Breaking news: I know why Madonna ran three hours late to her Melbourne concert.
She wasn’t engaging in any untoward behaviour. She’s not an alcoholic, and she’s not on the verge of a breakdown. It wasn’t sex, it wasn’t drugs, and it wasn’t rock’n’roll.
She was just having a nap.
Because she’s really goddamn tired.
How do I know, you ask? Well, I did a workout with her personal trainer, and it was the single most exhausting thing that has ever happened to me.
I’ll admit, I had low hopes going in. The thing is, Madonna and I aren’t really on the same page when it comes to fitness.
And by that, I mean that Madonna is often photographed for the fitness pages of magazines, and I sometimes eat cake and drop crumbs onto the pages of those magazines.
Because Madonna has such an iconic body, it’s safe to assume her workouts are outrageously difficult.
But it turns out that there’s a difference between thinking about Madonna working out, which is quite fun while you’re eating cake, and actually doing Madonna’s workout, which does not mix well with a full stomach of cake.
A lesson I learned the hard way by vomiting twice inside my mouth during the session.
Madonna’s workout, I learned on arrival, is comprised of dance-y, aerobic-y, cardio type things (not the technical term).
It is done at full volume to songs like Kelis’ Milkshake. Everyone at the session was super hyped up and the instructors, the lovely Craig Smith and Maryln Oritz, encouraged everyone to scream and whoop at regular intervals.