The silent burden children face when a parent is grieving, and why it’s time we talk about it.

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When a parent is grieving, children learn to make themselves small. They often are unable to accurately communicate their own feelings while trying to understand what's happening in their family.

Suddenly, they're the ones checking if Mum's okay, wondering if it's safe to laugh at something funny or feeling guilty for having a good day when their parents are having a bad one.

Whether you remember being that child, or you're the parent trying to navigate grief while protecting your children, the dynamic is complex and often unspoken.

"Grief affects every individual that it touches, so there's a level of inconsistency — be it small or very large — that the parent is displaying towards that child," Medibank Group Medical Director Dr Shona Sundaraj said.

"The child then feels at a bit of a loss to actually understand what's going on. This is where that ongoing, open dialogue is very important."

It's where tools like Medibank's Family Roast card game can be useful. Designed to spark meaningful conversations about topics that often feel too heavy or overwhelming to bring up naturally, the game provides families with a structured way to start talking and connect more — without the pressure of knowing exactly what to say.

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There are different types of grief, and each changes how families react. A sudden death compared to a long term health battle — both are equally devastating, but the family response can be very different.

"The emotions that the parent is dealing with very much affect how the child is going to cope," Dr Sundaraj said.

"Sometimes grief will manifest as anger, sadness, withdrawal, emotional disconnection or emotional guardedness. And so the child is reacting to that situation. Ultimately, it's a situation of inconsistency in the emotion they're experiencing from their parent."

If you lived through this as a child, you might recognise that feeling of never quite knowing which version of your parent you'd encounter each day. If you're a parent navigating grief now, understanding this inconsistency can help you recognise why your children might seem confused or on edge.

Grief can also see the carer relationship reversed. Suddenly, it's the child taking care of Mum or Dad. While Dr Sundaraj said children naturally want to show they can look after someone who's upset, too much responsibility can be harmful.

"If it's a complete reversal of the parent–child relationship, then that can actually be quite damaging to the child," she said.

The silent burden.

Whether you remember being that child or you're watching your own children navigate this now, one thing remains consistent: children of grieving parents often carry their own feelings in silence.

But unspoken feelings don't just disappear — they can show up in unexpected ways.

For adults looking back, you might recognise how this silent burden showed up as confusion — not understanding why home felt different, or why normal family routines suddenly changed. The isolation can be profound too, feeling like you're the only one who notices Mum or Dad isn't really okay.

Children often struggle to process their own emotions during these times. They might feel sad about the loss, but guilty for not being sad enough — or angry about how grief has changed their family, but ashamed of that anger.

Dr Sundaraj said they can present as "small manifestations".

"Changes in their sleep, changes in their appetite, avoiding sitting with their friends, changes in their friendships," she said.

"But they don't necessarily speak up that they're struggling."

It might be acting out at school, emotional outbursts that seem to come from nowhere or grades suddenly slipping.

It's no secret that talking about feelings is hard — let alone when it's something as heavy as grief. Children might want to protect their parents out of fear of adding to their grief, or simply be at a loss as to where to start.

Beyond wanting to protect their grieving parent, children often feel uncertain about how to express their feelings simply because they don't have the words. Grief is complex — how do you explain feeling angry at someone who died, or frustrated that your parent seems like a different person?

There's also the fear of saying the wrong thing. Dr Sundaraj said children worry that bringing up their own sadness might make their parent more upset, or that asking questions about the person who died might be too painful.

Creating safe spaces for grief.

So, how do families start these conversations?

Dr Sundaraj's advice is simple but powerful: "Talk about it."

"How you talk about it is really on how you function as a family unit," she said.

It doesn't have to be a head-on, emotionally charged conversation. Instead, focus on "opening up the conversation to smaller ideas".

"For some people, that's walking the dog. For some people, it's the conversation on a long drive — not having the eye-to-eye contact over the dinner table.

"Sometimes it's just going out for an outing, being out in nature or experiencing the situation together.

"And then, by virtue of that connection, you start to have small conversations about things."

Tools like the Medibank Family Roast can provide a gentle framework to help you navigate those difficult but important conversations.

Starting conversations about grief doesn't require having all the answers. As Dr Sundaraj noted, talking is "the most important thing".

Get the conversation started with Medibank's Family Roast game — available to play online.

This information is general in nature and does not replace the advice of a healthcare professional. As with any medical condition, always seek health advice from a qualified healthcare professional.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact your GP or in Australia, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), all of which provide trained counsellors you can talk with 24/7.

Feature Image: Getty.

Medibank is committed to improving the mental health of all Australians. Visit medibank.com.au/mental-health for information, support options and tips to have more meaningful mental health conversations.