'All I can think about is the Winter Olympics penis scandal.'

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I can't stop thinking about the Winter Olympics penis scandal. 

Which is definitely, maybe something I should speak to both my therapist and my editor about, but here we are. 

Because while the rest of the world is watching elite athletes defy gravity, physics and common sense by hurling themselves off icy ramps at alarming speeds, my brain has latched onto one singular, immovable thought: penis-gate. 

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If you've somehow managed to miss this, firstly, congratulations to you and your inner peace. Secondly, allow me to introduce you to the Great Winter Peen Panic of 2026, about which I have learnt completely against my will but also with some sick level of fascination.

At the Nordic World Ski Championships early last year, two Norwegian ski jumpers were caught with "illegally altered suits". Officials found that extra fabric had been sewn into the crotch, which apparently, serves to increase the surface area and create more lift in the air.

You see, in ski jumping, suits are made-to-measure using 3D body scans, with the crotch starting from the lowest point of the genitals. This measurement helps determine how big your suit can be, and the bigger the suit, the better the aerodynamics. It only stands to reason that if that measurement is… enhanced… the suit gets made to a bigger size. 

I'm no physicist, but apparently, bigger suits mean bigger jumps. In fact, a scientific journal, Frontiers, published a study late last year that claimed just two centimetres of extra suit could result in an extra 5.8 metres in the length of a jump. And that, my sports-loving friends, is a big difference when you're vying for Olympic glory. 

Men's ski jumping training at the Milano Cortina 2026 Winter Olympics. Image: Getty.

In the lead up to the Winter Olympics, there were even reports that some athletes may have been temporarily enlarging their genitals before scans, even going so far as using fillers like hyaluronic acid. It's become serious enough that the World Anti-Doping Agency has now said it would investigate whether this counts as performance enhancement.

Governing bodies have now introduced microchips in suits, stricter scans and new penalty systems in an effort to crack down on this unsportsmanlike crotch controversy.

And I cannot stop thinking about it.

Partly because I just love the Winter Olympics. There is something so deeply unhinged and beautiful about people dedicating their lives to flinging themselves off mountains, sliding head-first down ice tunnels and sweeping rocks with brooms like it's life or death.

There is always snow and drama and scarves and countries I cannot point to on a map that somehow, suddenly become my emotional support teams. But in 2026, I also get penis-related intrigue — and I am here for it.

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We already seem to have a weird, recurring relationship with Olympic peens. Remember when that French pole vaulter blamed his penis for ruining his medal chances? (Aka his "little pole" took out his big dream?) There was also that infamous "accidental erection" moment during a rowing medal ceremony back in 2012 (I sincerely hope he's doing okay).

This latest scandal is just another reminder that no Olympics is complete without at least one rogue crotch storyline. I mean, it's basically an Olympic tradition at this point.

Olympic athletes are no doubt extraordinary. They sacrifice everything, train for years in brutal conditions and find microscopic advantages because, in elite sport, every millimetre truly does matter. But they are still human, and extremely competitive. And they will always strive to find ways to outsmart rules written by committees in ways that involve spreadsheets, microchips and, apparently, strategic bulging.

At the end of the day, this is all literally… about dicks. And to me, despite how immature it may seem, that feels funny, fascinating, unhinged and also deeply on brand for an event where humans fly through snow and hope their crotch doesn't ruin everything.

And honestly, I'll be watching very closely. Respectfully.

Feature image: Getty.