‘It’s given me an outlet for my grief.’ Hannah’s powerful response to losing her brother.

This post mentions suicide and could be triggering for some readers.

I will never forget that day. It was a Monday. It was my day off from work and I was about to settle in for the day and watch a movie while my partner Travis was at work. My phone rang, it was Mum. “Ahoy,” I said, being stupid. But it wasn’t mum it was her neighbour. “You need to come over, your brother has had an accident,” she said. My brother Sam was living with my parents at the time. “Is he okay?” I asked, knowing in my heart he had done something. “Just come over,” she said.

I rang Trav when I was about 10 minutes away, still holding on to the hope that Sam was okay, and mum had found him before it was too late. I asked Trav to meet me out the front. When I pulled up there was an ambulance and three cop cars, with another one just pulling up. The look on Trav’s face said everything I needed to know. I jumped out of the car falling into his arms, screaming. 

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We walked down the driveway together and the thought crossed my mind to just run back to the car and drive away. If I ran away now, it wouldn’t be real, right? “I can’t do this; I can’t go in there,” I said to Travis. “You have to,” he said, “They need you.” I felt from that moment I was going to have to be the strong one.

My brother Sam was two years younger than me. He was about six feet and pretty lanky. He had dirty blonde hair and bright blue eyes. We would always play together when we were kids and ride our motorbikes and go-karts, doing laps around the paddock until the sun went down. 

As we became teenagers we drifted apart and we didn’t see each other that often when we both moved out of home. He eventually got an apprenticeship at the same place my partner, Travis, worked and I would see him every day. They both eventually ended up getting jobs together. 

Travis and Sam were like brothers. We’d all hang out pretty much every weekend, either fishing or Sam would cook up a massive feed of pork ribs or brisket in his smoker. “In case you couldn’t tell, I love food,” he would always say. 

Sam was passionate about the environment, nature and animals. He was caring and honest, sometimes a little brutally honest, and he always had an opinion on something and stayed up to date with all the world's issues and politics. He fought hard for what he believed in and would always try to make everyone laugh.

Hannah and Sam when they were kids. Image: supplied.

One of the hardest parts for all of us was that we were all there the night before, for dinner. Sam had had a few drinks and was picking fights with everyone. We all argued back with him. The very last time we spoke we were arguing. It’s been hard living with that. I had the feeling that I should check up on him, but I didn’t want to continue arguing. Neither did Mum. We both thought he’ll be over it by the morning. I will always regret that I never went to check on him. 

His best friend Tom later said that Sam had been going through a bit of a rough patch around Christmas but thought he was doing better. Although, in my heart, I knew what had happened to Sam when I received the phone call that day, I never expected it. I never saw that side of him. And he knew what my partner Travis and I went through when we lost Travis’ sister to suicide in October of 2014.

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In the weeks and months that followed I made sure I was a rock for my parents. I didn’t really give myself time to grieve. I started going to a psychologist a year later, which has had a great impact on my life although it’s very challenging. I have questioned why I blamed myself so much for Sam’s death, and it has helped me recognise my triggers and keep a mental note on keeping my cup full.

I first saw the Push-Up Challenge advertised on Facebook a few months after Sam’s death in 2021. The challenge involved doing 3,139 push-ups in one month to raise money for Lifeline, a 24-hour crisis support and suicide prevention service.

When I signed up, I thought, yeah Mum will probably donate $50 and that will be it. A few days into the challenge I was talking to my best friend Dan and he could hear how passionate I was about it. Not only did he support me, but he took it bigger and further than I ever imagined. He organised with several local businesses to donate $1 per sale. It was in the local papers and on the community radio station. I had people stopping me in the street telling me how brave I was. I received so many beautiful messages from people. I ended up raising just over $8,600 for Lifeline.

This year, the push-up target is the 2021 suicide statistic ­– 3,144 – over the month of June. This year, the number includes Sam. 

To tackle the target, I usually break up my push-ups throughout the day and incorporate them into my workouts at the gym. When the push-ups start getting harder, I think about what each one represents. 

On average, 135 people are impacted by each suicide. Not only does one push-up represent a life lost, it also represents the families and loved ones left behind. It represents the emergency service personnel that have to attend each one. It represents a future that someone will now never have. It’s empty seats at Christmas tables and family functions. It’s knowing that someone is always missing. And they are always going to be missed.

Hannah, Sam and Travis celebrating their last Christmas together in 2020. Image: Supplied.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about Sam. Whether it’s a happy memory, a song, or I break down in tears. I miss him. I will always miss him. It’s hard being surrounded by so many memories of him. But at the same time, I feel very blessed. To have the support and beautiful people in my life who have been with me at my lowest and helped hold my hand as I come out a different person. People tell me how strong I am all the time. I don’t feel like I am. I am just holding on to life and trying to make my way through it the best I can. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with someone who has taken their own life.

The Push-Up Challenge is now something I look forward to doing every year. It has given me an outlet for my grief while doing something so positive. Hopefully, it’s creating a conversation with someone who is struggling with their mental health as well as raising much-needed funds for Lifeline. I plan to do this challenge every year until I can’t physically do it anymore. And even if it just saves one person, then it will be worth it. 

Hannah Tuckett, 31, lost her younger brother Sam to suicide in 2021. He is one of the 3,144 people represented in this year’s Push-Up Challenge goal, which can be completed from June 1 to 23. You can support Hannah’s Push-Up Challenge here or follow her journey on Instagram here. Find out more about the Push-Up Challenge here.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636. 

Feature image: McPherson Media Group + Supplied.

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