How to talk about postnatal depression, and why timing matters.

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At some stage, most new parents will hear the question, "How are you finding things?" — and they have to decide whether to give the real answer or the expected one.

Maybe you remember being that new parent — exhausted and overwhelmed, wondering if what you were feeling was normal or something more. Or maybe you're the friend, family member or partner watching someone you care about struggle, unsure whether to say something or worry you'll make things worse.

According to Medibank Group Medical Director Dr Shona Sundaraj, postnatal depression affects one in five mothers and up to one in ten fathers. But despite how common it is, knowing when and how to talk about it — whether you're experiencing it yourself or supporting someone who is — can feel impossibly difficult.

"I think the 'being scared to cause offence' thing needs to be dropped," Dr Sundaraj said. "If you know that person, you know how to approach them in the best way possible as well."

But timing matters. Approach the conversation too early and you might dismiss normal adjustment challenges as something more serious. Wait too long and what could have been manageable support becomes a much more complex situation.

It's why tools like Medibank's Family Roast card game can be valuable — providing gentle, non-intimidating ways for families to start conversations about mental health challenges, without feeling pressured to find the right words.

Watch: Narayne & Joana: I Never Told You This. Post continues after video.

It's easy to dismiss feelings of depression as the baby blues, but there's a clear difference.

Baby blues typically occur between day three and day ten after birth, but postnatal depression extends well beyond that window.

"Beyond that 10-day period we know that it's postnatal depression if there are ongoing feelings of low self-esteem, helplessness, inadequacy as a parent, feelings of guilt as a new parent," Dr Sundaraj said.

These feelings are often compounded by modern parenting realities.

"All of this is compounded by having these lifestyles where we don't necessarily have a community to raise our children anymore… the fact that babies aren't taught to sleep when they arrive in this world," Dr Sundaraj explained.

Timing is crucial when talking about postnatal depression.

"If postnatal depression isn't managed early it will get worse and that mother will spiral into more of a chronic state of postnatal depression which then becomes quite difficult for her to talk about or do anything about," Dr Sundaraj said.

There's also the impact on the parent-child relationship.

"There's a baby or multiple babies that are at risk of attachment to their mother and that attachment is very important," Dr Sundaraj explained.

"If someone has postnatal depression that is becoming worse the concern is that attachment becomes much more difficult between the mother and the baby."

Dr Sundaraj was careful to add: "I say this not to make any mother that's experienced postnatal depression feel guilty that they're not able to attach well to their child."

Without support, postnatal depression can become entrenched.

"Untreated postnatal depression will get worse and it becomes this point of being increasingly helpless in that new parenting role," Dr Sundaraj said.

"Those feelings of guilt, lack of self-worth and inadequacy just become very difficult for that person to deal with."

Breaking through the barriers.

So why don't more people reach out for help?

"I think it's a fear of being seen as a failure as a new parent and a fear that they don't want this," Dr Sundaraj said.

"They know that they're experiencing it, but if they say it out loud, it might actually just make it a little bit more real."

"Whereas if they do say it out loud, then there are lots of services and lots of people that can actually assist them."

There's also the social media effect.

"There's a taboo around postnatal depression because what you see on Instagram is this mother and baby who is coping perfectly well. They're matching outfits, they're walking along the beach, it's all sunshine and roses," Dr Sundaraj said.

"But for a lot of women, that's just simply not the case. You're lucky if you make it out of the house that day."

If someone in your life seems to be struggling, there are gentle ways to open the door to conversation.

Dr Sundaraj's advice is to start light but be direct enough to get a real response.

"A simple way of saying it is, 'It can be really hard having a new baby. How are you finding things?'. And just starting to open up a conversation."

From there, you can offer practical support.

"Is there anything I can do to help you? Would you like me to lend a hand? Tell me about how you're feeling. How are you managing it?"

The key is to listen to what they're saying and observe how they're engaging with their baby.

Dr Sundaraj said Australia's healthcare system is designed to catch postnatal depression early.

"We regularly do what's called the Edinburgh postnatal depression score when the woman has given birth and also at their antenatal checks," Dr Sundaraj said.

"It should be something that is regularly talked about in the outpatient setting, either with their midwife or with their general practitioner."

For families who have experienced postnatal depression before, Dr Sundaraj emphasised the importance of preparation.

"Ensure they've got a service that is set up and that you've got people around you during subsequent pregnancies and births," she said.

Postnatal depression is common, treatable and nothing to be ashamed of.

Whether you're experiencing it yourself or supporting someone who is, the most important thing is to start the conversation with empathy, understanding and practical support.

Get the conversation started with Medibank's Family Roast game — available to play online.

This information is general in nature and does not replace the advice of a healthcare professional. As with any medical condition, always seek health advice from a qualified healthcare professional.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact your GP or in Australia, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), all of which provide trained counsellors you can talk with 24/7.

Feature Image: Getty.

Medibank is committed to improving the mental health of all Australians. Visit medibank.com.au/mental-health for information, support options and tips to have more meaningful mental health conversations.