'I didn't feel depressed after giving birth. Instead I felt anger towards my husband and baby.'

From the outside looking in, Sue Faulkner's entry into motherhood was what most would consider smooth sailing. A healthy pregnancy, a planned C-section, and the arrival of a beautiful baby girl named Jesse. 

But from the moment she gave birth, Sue began to unravel.

"I couldn't connect with Jesse. I remember being in the hospital room on day two, and I felt like the walls were closing in on me," she says. 

Sue hoped things would improve at home, but Jesse experienced some difficulties adjusting to her new world. 

Watch: 60 Second Breathing Exercise for Anxiety. Article continues after the video.

"She was incredibly alert and developed colic, so my days were spent rocking her constantly. She rarely slept during the day and she hated everything — pram, car, carrier. It took its toll on me and my anxiety was increasing by the day," Sue says.

But then, when Jesse did start sleeping through the night at five weeks old, Sue still couldn't rest.

"I stopped sleeping, even though Jesse was sleeping through the night from five weeks old. I constantly felt my heart through my chest, and I was fixated on the baby monitor as I was so terrified of Jesse waking overnight even though she never did."

Sometimes, Sue felt like running away; the only thing keeping her from leaving was the fact that Jesse had refused the bottle, and therefore needed Sue to survive. 

"Every day I would cry to my husband that I hated being a mum and I wanted my old life back," she says.

But Sue wasn't just feeling sad. She didn't just feel depressed. Sue was angry; angry at her screaming baby, and at her husband.

And what Sue couldn't articulate at the time was that her anger was growing — fast, along with her resentment. Her anger was intensifying into something even more scary: pure rage. 

"I never thought it would happen to me," Sue says. 

"I was a successful career woman who had everything in control. Little did I know that I was a prime candidate for developing postnatal depression and anxiety — including postnatal rage."

"No one warns you."

"Postnatal rage is one of those things no one really warns you about, but so many women experience it," says Dr Ashleigh Moreland, NeuroBehavioural Specialist and founder of the Re-MIND Institute.

It's that overwhelming, bubbling-over feeling where everything suddenly feels like too much, and you might explode. 

"You might snap at your partner or your kids just for breathing too loudly, or find yourself shaking with anger after being touched or needed for the hundredth time that day," says Ashleigh. 

"It can be confusing, confronting, and full of shame, especially when no one talks about it, and it's not how we want to show up as mums, partners, or people."

There is a physiological reason behind it though. In fact, from a nervous system perspective, Ashleigh says post-natal rage makes perfect sense. 

"The post-partum period is incredibly demanding physically, emotionally, and hormonally. In our modern society, you're chronically sleep-deprived, often under-supported, and carrying a huge mental load, all while adjusting to a completely new identity and healing from a major physical trauma of childbirth. Even if the birth wasn't emotionally traumatic, that adds a whole other layer."

When there's a disproportionate influx of emotional, mental, physical and sensory information compared to the body's capacity to recover and process it, the body interprets it all as a threat.

"Rage is part of the 'fight' side of the fight-or-flight response. It's the body instinctively trying to protect itself when it feels overwhelmed or under siege," she says. 

"Mums often feel shock and shame because the rage seems so excessive for the situation, but just like a reflex pulling your hand away from a hot stove, survival instincts aren't driven by context or logic.

Rage, guilt, and shame. 

Maternal anger and rage has been given far less attention in the empirical literature than disorders of mood and anxiety, says Psychologist Alyesha-Leigh Fameli. 

That's because women are often taught that expressing anger is something to be ashamed of. There is no greater insult than the 'angry woman'.

"We are often made to feel shameful for expressing anger in any form. Women often express fears that they may lose their children if they experience postpartum rage, and this fear in particular prevents them from seeking help," says Alyesha-Leigh.

"However, anger is just an emotion, and emotional dysregulation in the postpartum period is very common," she says. 

"This is due to a combination of hormonal shifts, increased and changing expectations as we adjust to motherhood, changing relationship dynamics, high expectations of ourselves (that are often unattainable) and sleep deprivation."

While postnatal depression can be associated with increased irritability, it's more commonly characterised by low mood, difficulty engaging in daily tasks, negative thoughts, and difficulty connecting with others, which can include your baby. 

"When talking about 'rage' often people are describing short, sharp bursts of very heightened emotion that can be accompanied with other emotional and behavioural changes, for example yelling, being 'snappy' or irritable, feeling or behaving aggressively, feeling like you might 'explode' with emotion," says Alyesha-Leigh. 

"At times, maternal rage can occur because women are bottling new and intense emotions up, resulting in an explosive episode. Feelings of rage can lead to or exacerbate feelings of depression. Therefore, it is important to understand and recognise both."

It's also important to remember that rage and anger, though intense and sometimes frightening, can be helpful emotions.

"If we listen to anger as a message about our environment, as opposed to a damning message about our value as a woman and a mother, we may be able to identify actionable areas of change," says Alyesha-Leigh

"For instance, women often feel rage at partners, which can be an indication that communication has broken down in the intense period of transition that comes with having a new baby."

Sue experienced postnatal rage after having her daughter. Image: Supplied.

When to seek help.

It's important to understand that rage isn't random, and it doesn't make you a bad mum, according to Ashleigh. Rather, it's a signal that your system is under pressure and needs some kind of relief.

"Sometimes that means more rest, sometimes it means asking for help, saying no, or letting go of the pressure or expectations you or others are placing on yourself to keep it all together," she says.

"Leave the dishes for the night — the sun will still rise tomorrow. Eat baked beans and rice for a night, no one is going to die. Allow yourself to be late to school drop off if it means you can meet your needs and have peace, or prioritise five quiet minutes alone in the car before walking back into the chaos. These small acts of defiance against the pressure to be everything for everyone are sometimes exactly what your nervous system needs to start exhaling.

Sometimes, though, the triggers for postpartum rage run deeper than simply needing a break or a reset.

"That fight response can be fuelled by stuff your body is still holding onto, like grief, past trauma, resentment from unmet needs, or emotions that didn't get a chance to move through at the time, so we've stored instead," says Ashleigh.

"All of it gets louder when we're exhausted, raw, and stretched thin.

"The right kind of support, especially support that works with the body and the nervous system, not just the cognitive or logical brain, can help you feel safe again. And when that happens not just in your mind, but also in your body, things start to ease. The rage doesn't need to shout so loudly to protect you when the rest of you feels seen, supported, and safe."

"I was getting angrier by the day."

It wasn't long before Sue knew she needed help.

"I knew that the way I was feeling wasn't normal. And I also knew that three hours of sleep a night when Jesse was sleeping through was not sustainable, as I was getting angrier by the day," she says. 

She sought help from her GP, and while antidepressants helped, seeing a psychiatrist was the catalyst for meaningful change. 

"He put me on another medication in combination with my antidepressants. And the best part — I was still able to breastfeed. Fast-forward and I can honestly say that I am better than I was before I had Jesse which tells me that I had underlying anxiety before pregnancy."

But Sue's rage didn't vanish overnight.

"The rage unfortunately stayed on and off for several years after having Jesse. I would snap at the smallest thing. I would lose control and feel myself disappear in the moment.

"Unfortunately, my anger was directed at the people I love most — my husband and daughter."

ADHD: the missing piece.

Sue's daughter was diagnosed with ADHD a couple of years ago, which made her question her own mental health.

"I was diagnosed with ADHD a year after my daughter, which explained so much," she says. 

"Emotional dysregulation is very common with ADHD in girls and women, and when a huge change happens in life — like having a baby — anxiety and/or depression reach a point where there is no longer an ability to mask, and rage can rear its head. ADHD meds are not a perfect solution, but they have definitely helped.

"We do need to talk about this more.

"We have this wave of women who have always masked to fit in, always struggled but tried harder than others to then go on to build careers, get married, have babies etc… and then fall apart."

"Having a baby is a huge life change and control is out the window. This is when the anxiety reaches an unmanageable level, with rage that follows."

Feature image: Supplied.

If this story brought up anything for you, support is available:

PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) – 1300 726 306Support for expecting and new parents. Monday–Saturday.

Lifeline – 13 11 14 24/7 crisis support and suicide prevention.

Beyond Blue – 1300 22 4636 24/7 support for depression, anxiety and mental health.

Gidget Foundation Australia – 1300 851 758 Support for perinatal depression and anxiety.

ADHD Foundation Australia — 1300 393 919

Support for those who are experiencing ADHD.