Would you actually want to know if your teens are having sex?

Warning: AJLT spoilers ahead!

In the latest episode of And Just Like That the unconfirmed hook-up between Miranda's son Brady and Charlotte's daughter Lily really got me thinking about how we deal with our kids transitioning into adulthood and all that comes with it.

Charlotte and Miranda's initial shock gives way to some humorous and highly relatable exchanges between the friends about their kids' sex lives that I lapped up as a mum to an almost teenage boy. 

On the one hand, there's this huge sense of disbelief that your kids are having sex at all, as defined by Carrie's classic quote: "It's like hearing that two of my stuffed animals are having sex." To which Miranda responds with, "How do you think we feel!" 

And on the other, there is the knowledge of what we were up to at the same age that leads Charlotte to the conclusion it's better to not know too much in the way of details.

"I had a lot of sex that my mother did not know about," Charlotte says to Miranda.

"And everything worked out. So, no - I don't want to know."

I loved this storyline because not only was it relatable and funny; it showed the nuance of coming to terms with a fact of life - our beautiful little kids will one day become sexually active adults and this is as it should be. 

But that doesn't mean it is easy to deal with.

As a parent, we often have such a fine line to walk between wanting to keep our kids safe, while also giving them the space to make mistakes. As I see my son's teenage years stretch before me, I know I will have to tread very carefully indeed - especially when it comes to the delicate subject of sex and relationships.

According to recent research from La Trobe University, the average age for Aussie teens to first have sex is about 16 years old, and the good news is that most of the rest of the data shows very normal outcomes for sexually active teenagers.

Of those having sex, 76 per cent were having sex in their homes, 65 per cent were in a relationship, and 86 per cent were with a partner about the same age as them.

They also reported mostly responsible behaviours. This included 81 per cent of them discussing having sex beforehand and 77 per cent who said they are protecting their health with some form of contraception.

In short, the La Trobe research concluded that teens in Australia are mostly doing pretty well in relation to sex, and while this is great news, it doesn't always mean us parents feel as comfortable or relaxed about 'not knowing details' as Miranda and Charlotte.

Especially when it comes to the logistics.

So, where do teens have sex?

Single mum of two 16-year-old teenagers Lauren* says that while she has always been open with her kids about safety and respect in sexual relationships, she's not sure how she feels about everyone having sex in their small city apartment.

"I'm all about supporting my kids to have healthy sex lives and sorting contraception at the doctors, but I am still not sure I feel comfortable about me knowing or worse - hearing - my kids are having sex in our home!"

"We are going to have to come up with some boundaries as I am currently dating and I expect my kids will feel the same about me. 

"It's hard because where do teenagers have sex if not in their own bedrooms? And I would rather they felt safe to bring someone home and I want to be welcoming. But my house is small and I care about who is allowed into it. So that means no strangers but long-term boyfriends or girlfriends will be okay if I get to know them a bit first."

Rebecca* a step mum of one 19-year-old son who is currently studying and living at home feels similarly about her personal space. 

"It's a tricky one as at first we had the big sex discussion about being safe and respectful and everything was very open and 'cool' but then he asked, well, can I bring girls back here, and I was honestly not sure!

"If he was in a relationship and we knew the girl, then that's okay but we have had to say 'no random dates please'. I just don't want awkward conversations over breakfast with someone I will never see again and also it's my home and space. It would feel weird. I know he brought a date here when we went away for a weekend and I was okay with that, but I made it clear there was to be no using our bed."

The generational divide.

Rebecca says when she was the same age, she had already moved out of her parent's place but that for her stepson's generation. with the cost-of-living crisis, it's much harder.

"One of my friends' kids was caught inviting his Tinder dates over for sex at the family home while everyone was at work or school because he had nowhere else to go. All hell broke loose when he was discovered, but you can kind of understand why - where else are they supposed to have sex? They can't afford to go to a hotel!

"At this stage, I am glad my stepson is open with us and he tells his dad everything. I figure we still have some boundaries and rules and it's better that he has sex at our place with a future girlfriend than behind some rubbish bins somewhere right?!"

Mum of one 18-year-old girl, Serena* has a more serious reason for wanting to know more about her daughter's sex life after a devastating assault and a toxic relationship.

"My interest is mostly about her safety and knowing that the sex she is having now and in her future is enjoyable. I want her to reclaim some of what she lost and I want to help her have more positive and meaningful sexual experiences in the future.

"We always said that we would rather she have sex at home where she was safe and comfortable as opposed to say in a car or someone else's house. But now I look back and think maybe if we had been stricter about that and pushed back, she might not have had sex with her most recent toxic partner who turned out to be very dismissive and selfish."

Serena says she is very open to talking details with her daughter and always has been and that she is happy that this generation is much less secretive about their sex lives and any associated shame.

"We've always been able to talk about things which is good and I took her to the doctors to chat about contraception as soon as she began to ask. 

"Sometimes however I get too much information and I remember the time she told me about two girls who had been caught having oral sex in the bathrooms at high school in year nine. 

"I probably didn't need to know that."

*While these women are known to Mamamia, their names have been changed for privacy reasons. 

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Senior Lifestyle Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Instagram @andjustlikethat / Canva.