'As a mum of neurodivergent kids the biggest challenge isn't society. It's much closer to home.'

When Kara Lambert's daughter was diagnosed as neurodivergent at the age of three, she believed she was well-prepared. With a psychology degree under her belt, and a keen interest in neurodiversity, Kara believed she understood what the diagnosis meant. 

But as the years passed, it became clear that her child's form of neurodivergence, known as 'giftedness', wasn't just about high intelligence, it was about facing challenges that few people could comprehend, let alone accept.

By the time her son was diagnosed as gifted and dysgraphic aged eleven, Kara had already been battling misconceptions about her daughter's diagnosis for almost a decade. 

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Ultimately, though, Kara says the biggest challenges didn't come from educators, peers, or even the system — they came from within her own family. 

So, what is 'giftedness'? Like most forms of neurodivergence, being 'gifted' is not well understood. It's sometimes perceived as a life advantage that comes with automatic academic success, but that's not usually the case.

According to Kara, what many people don't realise, is that giftedness is a form of neurodiversity that comes with sensory sensitivities, emotional intensity, and in many cases, additional learning disorders. 

Despite her academic background, Kara wasn't prepared for just how ill-equipped schools were to support children who didn't fit the standard mould. 

"Both of my kids preferred to help others rather than do their own work. This meant that they 'rushed' their work and didn't achieve the grades teachers expected," Kara said. 

"My kids would be bored by the content, and often talked in class. This had teachers questioning if they were indeed gifted, (but also) disruptive and lazy."

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Sensitivities such as difficulty sitting still, aversions to certain textures and a need for quiet spaces were perceived as bad manners, while their responses to these sensitivities were further deemed as bad behaviour. 

"My kids have sensory issues and have trouble sitting still, sitting 'properly,' eating foods of certain textures, etc. These overexcitabilities meant that (many people) saw them (as) having bad manners, impatient, naughty, and spoilt," she added.

The consequences were heartbreaking. Both children faced bullying and isolation at school. Kara's son even developed suicidal ideation, while her daughter developed perfectionism and was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

With much of society so often misunderstanding neurodivergence, finding acceptance at home is critical. For some children though, home is anything but the safe refuge it's supposed to be.

When her mother-in-law moved into their family home, Kara claims that, rather than offer an extended support system, she introduced an additional layer of tension and judgment.

"My mother-in-law would make faces and snide comments about my children, for not eating food or sitting differently at dinner, any time their behaviour matched their overexcitability," Kara said. 

"She often said they were rude and we were spoiling them by allowing them to participate in conversations she didn't think they should be involved in."

According to Kara, her attitude towards the children often left them feeling rejected, which only made matters worse. 

"She once invited them to watch a movie in her part of the house and kicked our son out because he wasn't sitting still. She then complained to us that he was badly behaved, rude, and spoilt," she said.

"Her constant complaining about (them) made our son distant and our daughter wanted to move out."

The atmosphere in the home became suffocating, Kara recalled. The final straw came when family life became unbearable. Even though they'd purpose-built the house to cater for Kara's mother-in-law, Kara said she knew she had to put her children first.

"It became so stressful. I suggested to my husband that the kids and I would live with my mum whilst she moved out," Kara said.

Eventually, Kara's mother-in-law did move out of the family home, and the difference in the household was immediate. Kara's children finally began to feel accepted for who they were. 

"My kids were much happier. They no longer spoke of 'walking on eggshells'," she added.

"My kids are learning that the right people accept them for who they are, and they are happy in their chosen career paths. We have not spoken to that side of the family since 2023."

As young adults, Kara's children are now flourishing in ways she believes would have been impossible under the scrutiny of family members who didn't understand them, or didn't want to.

According to Dr Nivedita Nayak, a psychologist specialising in neurodiversity, many parents find themselves facing resistance from family members who struggle to accept a diagnosis, sometimes even the other parent. 

"Many parents feel a sense of relief when they finally get an explanation for their child's struggles, only to find themselves in the difficult position of trying to convince others that the diagnosis is real," Dr Nayak said.

"Partners, grandparents, and close relatives often dismiss the diagnosis, believing the child will grow out of it or just needs more discipline.

"Others reject it because accepting it means adjusting their expectations, which can be difficult for some to process."

According to Dr Nayak, this can have a detrimental impact on the child's emotional well-being, and in turn, the overall family dynamic. 

"For the child, this lack of acceptance can have lasting effects," she said. 

"Children are incredibly perceptive. They notice when a grandparent treats them differently, when a relative avoids engaging with them, or when their struggles are brushed aside as bad behaviour. 

"When a child senses they are not fully accepted, they often start masking their behaviours to fit in. This effort to suppress their natural tendencies can lead to anxiety, emotional exhaustion, and low self-esteem. 

"Over time, they may begin to feel like something is wrong with them, not because of their neurodiversity, but because of how others respond to it."

For parents, the emotional toll can be overwhelming. Instead of focusing on helping their child, they often find themselves trying to educate, convince, or even defend the diagnosis to family members who refuse to accept it. 

"Many mothers describe feeling exhausted, not just from advocating for their child in school and medical settings, but from trying to get their own loved ones to acknowledge what they already know to be true," she said.

"This strain can also create tension within marriages, especially when one parent fully supports the diagnosis while the other remains in denial. Some parents feel caught between wanting to maintain peace within the family and protecting their child's emotional well-being."

Dr Nayak recommends shifting focus from trying to change others' opinions to ensuring your child feels accepted and valued at home. 

"A child who grows up in a home where they feel fully accepted will develop resilience, even if some extended family members refuse to see them for who they are," she said.

"Parents who consistently validate and support their children send a powerful message that neurodiversity is not something to be hidden or fixed, but something to be understood and embraced."

Feature image: Supplied.