"I have never had a relationship because I'm just too scared to go outside"

“I am almost 21 years old and lonely, but I won’t admit to anyone I know. It’s not that I’m far from people, I still live at home with Mum and Dad and the eldest of 4 kids, the youngest of which is 10. I am lonely in that I have never had a relationship. It’s one part of my life that I haven’t explored yet. And there is a reason why. Let me explain.

When I was in Year 5 just before my 11th birthday when I hadn’t left the house for the last 6 months apart from going to school, I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I had and still have severe panic attacks. I started with small things, I wouldn’t go to the shops, the movies, see friends or do sports (not that I could anyway). If I was offered to do anything that might be fun or new, I would start to feel sick.

Imagine being asked to go and see a movie with your friend. It’s something you are both eager to see. As soon as the offer is made, your palms start to get sweaty, your stomach becomes unsettled and you feel light-headed. You suddenly need to go to the bathroom to empty yourself at both ends. To any onlooker, you would be viewed as sick or drunk. You decline the movie offer and start to feel better. Within the hour, you physically feel better again but the worst kind of guilt builds inside you that you have let a friend down. The only way to get over it would have been to go and see the movie. When having an attack, believe me, it’s the last thing you want to do.

Having a panic attack is the most horrible experience you could possibly have. When you do something that gives you a panic attack, generally you will avoid doing that activity again if possible. So the more you have an attack, the more activities you will avoid doing because of panic. It gets to the point where you can no longer do anything without feeling anxious. I have been there; lots of times. I am still suffering from this disorder but am managing it slightly more successfully now. I am in my third year of university, have 2 jobs and love going to punk rock concerts with my friends (but not in the mosh, that would set me back again).

So back to my original point; I am lonely because I want to meet people and attempt to have a relationship but this is still one of the big things I panic over. I am shy to start with and usually don’t talk much or open up to people unless I know them really well. My first impression that I make on anyone would be the short, plain, boring girl sitting in the corner who looks like she has had too many. I look and feel a mess when having a panic attack.

So from this I have a few questions. Is there anyone else out there in the same position as me or has been in the same position? Does anyone know any good ways to meet people? Do I sound like an insane bitch who needs serious help? I want to be able to do things other people my age do. I find it a bit odd that I am only 20 and am already starting to stress out about finding someone to settle down with and taking too long that by the time I find someone I will be too old to have kids. I know it’s not all a fairy tale ending, but I pretty much missed out on my teen years with the dating and social life. I am worried that I am trying to catch up on it now. I just needed to get all this off my chest and out in the open. I hope other people begin to understand my point of view and maybe there is someone out there who is in the same position as me.”

Has an illness, or a fear every stopped you from doing something? How did you cope? What steps did you follow to get through it?