What really happens when you grow up in a family that doesn’t talk about feelings.

Thanks to our brand partner, Medibank

Some families just don't do feelings.

You know the type — where "How was your day?" gets answered with "Fine", and that's the end of it. Where tears are quickly wiped away and big emotions are met with "You're okay" or "Don't be silly".

Maybe you grew up in one of these families, where conversations rarely moved beyond logistics — what time dinner was, who needed picking up from where, whether homework was done.

Or maybe you're raising your own children now and recognising that you're unconsciously following the same patterns, keeping emotions at arm's length because that's simply what feels normal.

Whether you lived this experience or you're perpetuating it, the long-term effects of growing up without emotional expression run deeper than many families realise.

"Unfortunately, it's almost a legacy that gets carried through intergenerationally," Medibank Group Medical Director Dr Shona Sundaraj explained.

"We tend to be products of how our parents have raised us and the situations that they've carried through their lives as well."

However, if we have role models who teach us how to express and deal with emotions in a healthy way, it can have a positive impact on our mental health and wellbeing, coping skills and relationships. 

It's why tools like Medibank's Family Roast card game exist — designed to help families move beyond the logistics and start having meaningful conversations, in a way that feels safe and manageable rather than overwhelming.

Watch: Cristina & Judy: I Never Told You This. Post continues after video.

Why families stay silent.

If you're wondering why your family never talked about feelings, you're not alone.

There are some deeply rooted reasons families avoid emotional conversations — and they often have nothing to do with not caring.

For many, it's generational.

"I think there used to be a generation of men in particular that would not speak to their sons as though they were raising good men," Dr Sundaraj said.

"There used to be a culture of 'Well, you've got to be a man now, son'. Instead of letting boys cry, or instead of letting boys express their feelings — and that's how they were raised."

Sometimes it's about survival. Parents who experienced trauma might find it easier to avoid emotions altogether rather than risk opening old wounds, says Dr Sundaraj.

"It can be that those parents have had traumatic upbringings, so it's easier for them to not deal with the emotions that those traumatic upbringings have displayed in them. And so therefore, it's a culture of avoidance of talking about a certain topic."

Here's the thing though: communication is a learned skill.

"We don't necessarily know how to do that from the time that we become young teenagers or young adults," Dr Sundaraj said.

"And it takes practice — like any other coping mechanism or skill. And obviously, if that's something that your whole life you've never really known how to do — how to talk about your feelings — it takes work."

What happens when emotions have nowhere to go.

If you grew up learning to hide your feelings, you might relate to what Dr Sundaraj described: children who "push it down and they just pretend that it's all going to go away".

But emotions don't just disappear. They can show up in other ways — anger issues, friendship problems or what Dr Sundaraj called "emotional inability to control emotions in the classroom and overwhelm".

Think about your teenage years.

You were dealing with "pubertal hormones flying around, lots of pressures of wanting to fit in at school, but also not really understanding how you should be adequately talking about and dealing with the emotions that you're feeling because it hasn't really been demonstrated to them," Dr Sundaraj said.

And if you never learned those skills as a child? They don't magically appear in adulthood.

Maybe you recognise yourself in this: struggling to name what you're feeling, finding conflict overwhelming, or feeling disconnected from the people closest to you.

"At times, this inability to emotionally connect is going to display as anxiety or depression or panic, or other forms of diagnosed mental disorder," Dr Sundaraj said.

It can affect everything — your relationships, your ability to manage stress, how you handle conflict at work or at home.

"It's a learned skill to be able to communicate effectively with the people that are in your family or people within the workplace," Dr Sundaraj said.

Breaking the pattern.

So how do you start having the conversations you never learned to have?

Dr Sundaraj's advice is to start small and focus on connection rather than confrontation.

"We've got to think about conversation with children, and in relationships in families, as being bigger and broader than just logistics," she said.

Instead of just asking how the soccer game went, try: "How do you think you played? What was going through your mind when you scored that goal?"

Instead of managing a friendship issue with practical solutions, explore the emotions: "How did that make you feel when your friend said that?"

The key is "introducing topics beyond what is just the logistics and actually dealing with the emotion behind them, but starting slowly as well," Dr Sundaraj said.

Often breaking these patterns requires professional support — and that's okay.

"Sometimes it requires the help of some counselling to get there, to break down their feelings from 'I don't know what to say' to recognise it first of all," Dr Sundaraj said.

Starting with your GP can be a good first step, potentially leading to counselling to "learn how to have those smaller conversations about emotions".

Even if you didn't talk about feelings as a child, it's never too late to start.

Get the conversation started with Medibank's Family Roast game — available to play online.

This information is general in nature and does not replace the advice of a healthcare professional. As with any medical condition, always seek health advice from a qualified healthcare professional.

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact your GP or in Australia, contact Lifeline (13 11 14), Kids Helpline (1800 55 1800) or Beyond Blue (1300 22 4636), all of which provide trained counsellors you can talk with 24/7.

Feature Image: Getty.

Medibank is committed to improving the mental health of all Australians. Visit medibank.com.au/mental-health for information, support options and tips to have more meaningful mental health conversations.