'At 25, I was diagnosed with an incurable STI. The shame nearly broke me.'

Sarah* will never forget the moment her life split in two: the time when she was blissfully unaware, and the "after", when shame threatened to consume her.

The 25-year-old was careful when it came to sex. Her method was simple: always use protection unless it was a partner she trusted, was exclusively dating and had "the talk" with.

But sometimes life has other plans.

After one sexual encounter, Sarah noticed her lymph nodes were swollen and she had a painful blister.

Anxiety ate away at her, but she hoped for the best as she booked a GP appointment.

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The doctor's response wasn't what she hoped for. An examination led to a swab test and days of anxiously waiting for a text. Instead, her phone rang.

"The test results are back, and they're positive for HSV-2."

Genital herpes.

"I hung up the phone and immediately fell to the floor, hysterical," she told Mamamia.

"It feels a bit dramatic looking back now, but in that moment, it felt as if my world had ended."

Sarah cancelled her plans and retreated to bed. Scrolling the websites her doctor suggested only sent her further into despair.

Incurable. Outbreaks. Sores. Contagious.

It was days before she told anyone, opening up only to her inner circle.

"They were really great and reassured me that it wasn't a big deal, but it still didn't make me feel any better," she said.

"I know they meant well, but it's really easy to say 'don't care' when you're not the one facing a lifetime of stigma."

Then there was the frustration of the "who". Sarah will never know who passed on the virus — this is the case with most herpes infections.

"My doctor explained that the first outbreak you have doesn't necessarily mean it came from your most recent partner," she said.

"The virus can actually be carried for years, so your past or even current partner might've had it for years without knowing."

It's something that can make acceptance incredibly difficult.

"I now have something that I have to declare to my future partners so they know the risk, but I never got the same chance," Sarah said.

"It felt so unfair."

Herpes doesn't discriminate.

Here's the thing about herpes: it's highly stigmatised but poorly understood.

"The nature of herpes means you can do everything right and still get it," Sarah explained.

"You can have sex and use a condom and still get herpes."

This is because viral shedding occurs during skin-to-skin contact in the entire genital area, not just the parts covered by latex.

In Australia, genital herpes is one of the most common sexually transmitted infections, affecting one in eight of us.

So, why don't doctors automatically test for it during a routine STI screening?

When you go for an STI check, you're usually being tested for chlamydia and gonorrhoea. They're common, frequently symptomless, can cause serious long-term damage like infertility, and, crucially, they're curable once detected.

Herpes is different. There is no cure, only management.

Then there's the testing itself. The most reliable way to diagnose herpes is by swabbing visible sores during an active outbreak.

But if you don't have symptoms, you're looking at a blood test — and that's where things get murky.

If you don't have visible symptoms, clinicians rely on blood tests, which have significant limitations — especially for HSV-2, where false positives are relatively common in low-risk asymptomatic people. Imagine the sheer, unnecessary distress of a stigmatised diagnosis when the test could be wrong.

HSV-1 tests are just as limited: they can confirm past infection, but they can't tell you where or when you got it. It could be a cold sore on your lip from 10 years ago, or it could be genital.

It's why many doctors don't include it in a routine check. Both tests are limited and can just add to the fear, shame and confusion so many people with herpes are already forced to carry.

'I thought it made me unlovable.'

For Sarah, the medical reality was easier to manage than the social one.

The shame began to worm its way into her self-worth.

"Herpes is the butt of so many jokes and so many people are misinformed about it that they think it's disgusting," she said.

"I really thought it made me unlovable."

Her worst fear was confirmed one day when a partner used her diagnosis against her.

"He referenced herpes as a reason he wasn't attracted to me anymore when we broke up and it destroyed me," she said.

It took her a long time to open up to someone again.

"Most guys I've dated since have been really kind about it and just want to be educated, but you still get the odd person who just gets freaked out," she said.

"I have a script I follow now, but I still feel sick with anxiety each time."

Sarah's friends eventually helped her see the truth: the right person won't care about a diagnosis that doesn't actually cause major health issues.

Recently, however, she was reminded of how far we have to go.

"I was at the pub with friends and a friend made a joke like, 'At least I don't have herpes' and everyone started laughing," Sarah said.

"They don't realise just how harmful those comments can be for someone. I still haven't told a lot of people because of that attitude and I probably won't ever."

Sarah wants that attitude to change, because the virus doesn't discriminate.

"Protect yourself and practice safe sex. But also know, herpes isn't the end of the world," she said.

"You can still have a fulfilling sex and love life. It's just a diagnosis — don't let it define you."

*Name changed for privacy reasons.

Feature image: Canva (Stock image for illustrative purposes).