'I never thought I'd escape my depression. Then something unexpected saved my life.'

By the end of 2022, I was barely alive.

I struggled to get out of bed each morning. Most days my kids would come in and out of the room, taking turns at trying to get me up until eventually I'd drag myself to the shower. 

On the outside, I looked just fine. My body was physically present and going through the motions required of it each day. But, like many at this point in time, my mental health was in tatters. 

Lockdowns. Schooling from home. Constantly changing restrictions. An ever-increasing workload. And the never-ending demands of motherhood, intensified by this 'unprecedented' time.

While I'd had episodes of mental illness in the past, this had undoubtedly been the worst of the lot. During that period, there were many times I figured I wouldn't be missed if I were no longer around.

However, for once, my stubborn nature came in handy. I clung to the idea that maybe the metaphorical clouds would eventually part, and the sun would shine again. And so, I promised myself I was going to find a way out of the deep, dark hole I was languishing at the bottom of. If not for myself, then at least for my kids and husband.

To find my way back to myself and to feel alive again, I knew I needed to reconnect with what made me happy

Watch: Does social media negatively impact teen mental health? Post continues below.

Meeting this trio of needs, particularly in a way that fit within my life as a working mother, was found in the surprising form of a ballet class. Yes, you read that correctly: ballet.

See, I'd quit dancing almost 30 years prior at the end of my primary school years, largely due to the fact that I wasn't very good, and I was very frequently reminded of this fact by my teachers at the time. So, I'll admit, my choice to pursue a style of dance that is stereotypically synonymous with youth and perfection at almost 40 does sound vaguely self-punishing.

However, it's been what's saved me.

Of course, I was nervous taking my first class. However, I was lucky that by joining a newly established, adult-specific class, everyone was just as nervous. As I refamiliarised myself with pliés and port de bras alongside other women of a similar age and life stage, I was filled with a sense of lightness I'd been missing.

As one of my teachers, Helen — a former professional dancer and principal of Simply Ballet — said, "It's like mindfulness, in a way, because you have to focus on what you're doing, and so it allows you to let go of the rest of life."

And letting go is exactly what I'd needed to begin my ascent from the dark hole.

Yonna Taylor performing. Image: Supplied.

Of course, my neurodivergent self doesn't know how to do things by halves, and it was only a matter of weeks before I was borrowing every book in the library and deep-diving on the internet for all things adult ballet, reading and watching every piece of content I could get my hands on.

And as it turns out, the psychological benefits of dance, particularly for middle-aged and older adults, is a growing area of research interest globally.

Working with a group of researchers from Australian universities, Dr Alycia Fong Yan, from the University of Sydney, found early evidence that dance may actually be more effective than other forms of physical activity in improving psychological wellbeing and cognitive capacity.

"Dance has far-reaching health benefits," said Dr Fong Yan. "The social connectedness and psychological effects of dance alleviate the symptoms of mental health conditions.

"Ultimately, this reduces the burden of these conditions on the health sector."

Ballet shoes at the ready! Image: Supplied.

The benefits of dance are something Helen knows well on a personal level.

"You are using both sides of your brain, which is not common in many other forms of exercise," she said.

"There is also the relaxation effect of the good endorphins — it's just good for you in so many ways."

As a notorious exercise-hater, I've tried so many different sports in an attempt to find something I don't dislike, and don't completely suck at! So, while I'm certainly not a 'natural' when it comes to ballet, it has taught me to persist in the face of imperfection — an important lesson for a recovering perfectionist. This sense of grit and determination has been essential to me not throwing something away just because I'm not great at it, especially when I otherwise enjoy it.

As Helen pointed out, "If you start running at 40, you're not going to be Usain Bolt, so why would ballet be any different? You just expect to get fit and enjoy doing what you do."

The enjoyment has definitely been an important factor in maintaining my commitment, showing up to class even when the easier (and more comfortable) choice would be to stay at home on the couch with a glass of wine and a block of chocolate.

It's also liberating, particularly as a woman approaching middle-age, to do something with no expectation or demand placed upon it from any other external source.

In fact, it's been life-saving.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Yonna Taylor is a writer based in regional South Australia. Find her at fromheretoher.co

Feature Image: Supplied.