'My dad is dying in front of me. No one warns you about this type of grief.'

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I've always hated rollercoasters, yet I've found myself on one I cannot get off.

It's the one I've always watched from the ground in pure terror. A drop tower where you're constantly waiting for the fall. Alert, on edge, and then lulled into a false sense of security for a moment of calm. Then BAM. The drop comes, not knowing how far or how fast you'll fall. We stop just before we hit the ground. Then it starts all over again.

My wonderful dad is sick. Terminal cancer that's spread from his oesophagus to his brain and lungs.

This ride has been going for over four years and the only thing that stops it is the unthinkable.

Except I've been thinking about it a lot. How can I not?

Two and a half years ago, we were told he had six to 12 months. By some miracle, he has defied those odds, though we've come close to saying goodbye several times. After another heart-in-mouth month, we got Christmas, but are now in palliative care.

I am so lucky. I am so grateful. I'm so angry. I'm so sad. I feel so guilty.

I didn't know you could grieve before you've lost something. I didn't know you could lose someone while they're still here.

It's lonely, in this waiting room of grief. The irony is that there are so many of us here. Living a double life, quietly grieving a loss we know is just around the corner. It's not death as we know it, but it is in kind.

And it has a proper term: anticipatory grief.

Watch: How to deal with loss or grief of loved ones. Post continues below.

What is anticipatory grief?

Meghan Gray, psychologist and Director of GrayMind Psychology, said anticipatory grief can be especially tricky to navigate.

"Anticipatory grief is an emotional grief response to an expected and impending loss before it actually occurs. Unlike traditional grief that follows a death, anticipatory grief happens in the waiting, when your loved one is still living," Gray explained.

"Anticipatory grief encompasses the same emotions you might experience after a loss: sadness, anger, anxiety, guilt, and despair. But it also has several more distinct challenges that differ from grief after death."

Carers and primary caregivers, in particular, can struggle with this type of grief.

"For carers, the experience of mourning and slowly saying goodbye to the person they love whilst they are still alive and needing to be cared for can be very confusing and overwhelming." Gray said.

"They can feel ashamed to be having these feelings when it hasn't 'officially happened'. It is a very important and distinct additional layer to their grief."

Rachel Samson, psychologist and Director with the Australian Association of Psychologists, said anticipatory grief can be felt in almost any situation where there's a sense of ending or loss; it's not just associated with terminal or progressive illnesses.

"Anticipatory grief can also be related to fertility, it could be related to retirement if people are ambivalent about retirement or they don't want to retire, or it could be knowing that you're going to lose a job or be made redundant," Samson said.

"It could also be divorce or a relationship breakdown. Imagined loss, so even just perceiving or thinking about it, can also trigger that anticipatory grief."

Acknowledging the 'guilt' of anticipatory grief.

A recurring theme in conversations around anticipatory grief is guilt.

The guilt of having big feelings while it's your loved one is who is facing the biggest challenge. Of longing for a time when this sadness didn't or doesn't dominate your life. Of grieving your person while they're still here, when you know so many people who would give anything for just one more hug, one more minute with their loved ones who have passed away.

In the limbo of waiting, it can feel like the imposter syndrome of grief.

Both Gray and Samson stress that if there's one thing they wish more people understood about this feeling is that it's human.

"Anticipatory grief is a biological attachment response. It's not a sign of weakness," Samson said.

"It's not a sign that you've already given up on the person which often comes up for people. Or this idea that if you grieve now, you've already done your grieving, things like that. It's not something that a person is choosing… it is a core part of human relationships."

Listen: In this episode, clinical psychologist Dr Anastasia Hronis and co-host Ashani Dante explore what healthy versus unhealthy grieving can look like. Post continues below.

Living with anticipatory grief.

Once my psychologist armed (and validated) me with the term 'anticipatory grief,' I desperately searched online for resources and forums. There, I could see my experience reflected or acknowledged from others in the same unfortunate boat.

One of those lifeboats of accounts was Grieve Leave, a global grief community and education support platform founded by Rebecca Feinglos after her own multi-layered experiences of loss.

"The average person doesn't know the word anticipatory grief. And I wish they did. Everyone is grieving something, even if they don't know it," Rebecca said. "If you can just get the vocabulary, it can help you feel better in ways that you didn't even realise you were potentially hurting.

"When we have a language for it, when we can name it as being grief, it makes it just a tiny bit easier to carry. It doesn't make it hurt less. When you know you're not alone in your grief, it's one of the only things that can make it lighter."

Feinglos wanted to make one thing clear when it comes to understanding grief, regardless of the form of it; there is no "right way" to feel.

"I feel like we try to label grief as one feeling or another. You're either happy or you're sad. You're either angry or peaceful. The thing about grief is it's this whole big mess of feelings. It cannot be contained in a one-word label except under this umbrella of grief," Feinglos said.

"Give yourself permission to feel and name those feelings as grief. You are grieving. That is ok. Give yourself permission to feel it all. You are not a terrible person — you are just a human facing the real messiness of what grief is, rather than this neat, boxed up version that we've been taught."

I can only speak from my personal experience of anticipatory grief, but her sentiments ring true.

This is a taste: My dad is still here, although in many ways he's not.

I love him beyond words and am in awe of how he's endured his illness and treatment with stoicism and grit, but there's no way you experience something like that and remain the same.

Image: Supplied.

Cancer steals away a person cell by cell and it's beyond cruel and painful in every sense.

The experience has changed the dynamic of every relationship in my family. That's another layer to the grief; we've never been closer but it's come at an unfathomable cost.

I live every day as if it could happen tomorrow.

It's no longer catastrophising because it's a real possibility. It makes it extremely hard to plan or think too far ahead. I no longer feel the same excitement or security about holidays, making plans, career goals or big milestones. It won't always be like that, but it is the current reality.

Heading into a new year on the same rollercoaster has felt particularly challenging.

I do not yet share the pain of people who have lost a parent. But I can no longer relate to anyone who hasn't lost or is losing one. I am angry about the injustice of it all, while never wishing this on anyone.

The last few years have been the hardest of my life. A terminally ill parent, a blindsiding divorce, many house moves, a new job, a new life. But there have also been moments of immense joy and happiness. It feels strange that they can co-exist.

Cancer follows me around. It feels like it's in every book I read, TV show I watch, or film I put on to escape. I either feel numb or burst into tears if I'm watching alone, or watch with every muscle tensed as I look out the corner of your eye to see how Dad is reacting to what is unfolding on screen.

I'm angry our version doesn't look like this Hollywood version. There's no neat closure or perfect conversations. Sometimes we're irritable or impatient with each other, or distracted on our phones. We're just trying to make sure there are as few regrets as possible.

The part I've only recently dared to voice out loud is that only one thing stops the anticipatory grief. And if the pain of the waiting is hard, I cannot imagine the grief of an experience that never ends: life without him.

That time will come. I'm trying to accept that I can hate this part while knowing I will one day likely miss it.

How can you look after yourself in the midst of anticipatory grief?

The world doesn't stop when yours does. That is possibly the cruellest part of every form of grief.

You may still have to show up to work, pay bills, look after children or other family members, cook, clean, maintain a relationship, and nurture friendships.

So what can help?

1. Name what you're feeling.

"Knowing this is anticipatory grief can reduce shame and self blame," Gray said. "We know from research that if we're able to accept and make room for that experience, your ability to adapt and cope with what's going on is much, much higher."

2. Find someone you can talk to.

That could be someone who's trained, like a grief counsellor, a psychologist or a GP who specialises in grief, as well as online and in person grief support communities and forums.

Some ones I've found helpful include @grieveleave, @goodmourningpodcast and @refugeingrief.

3. Acknowledge the contradictions.

"Allow yourself to experience the love and the connection and the good times and things whilst also making room for the dread and the sorrow and the despair. It's okay for that to all be there at the same time," Samson said.

4. Make space for your grief.

From journaling and painting to songwriting and running, create space and carve out time to process your feelings.

Even if that means scheduling five to 10 minutes in your calendar to cry each day, Feinglos said.

"Listen to a particular song that you love or makes you feel all of the feelings. Hit play, turn your phone on 'do not disturb' and listen to that song and just cry. Give yourself permission to do a little amount of it every single day. Make some space to grieve."

5. Look after yourself.

All of the usual self-care strategies, like movement, rest and connection, are so important.

"Provide limits and boundaries for yourself, especially if in a carer's role, which can involve not being available and on 24/7 and ensuring you still have space in your day for time out, self-care, your usual daily activities and even a necessary distraction from the grief," Gray said.

I've had some of the most treasured memories with my family as well as the hardest throughout this period. I've never felt more isolated yet also connected when I've met people who understand or want to understand. I don't know what happens next or how I'll feel, no matter how much I've tried to prepare for it.

Grief isn't linear or tidy or skippable. It's an inevitability and the unfortunate price we pay for loving those around us.

So I'll count my riches and do the best I can. It's all we can do.

Brittany Stewart is a journalist and creator of award-nominated podcast, Beauty Island. She shares stories of beauty and heart on her newsletter of the same name. Find her on Instagram @brittanybeautybts.

Feature Image: Supplied.