'From the outside I looked like a perfect mum. Inside, I was drinking myself numb.'

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If you had met me ten years ago, you probably would have thought I had it all together. Three beautiful kids, a home, a marriage, a busy life.

From the outside, it looked functional.

But inside the walls of that home, and inside me, things were slowly unravelling.

My drinking had always been part of my identity. I was the "big drinker" when I went out, the fun one, the one who could keep up with anyone. But after having my three kids, everything shifted. I was exhausted, overwhelmed, and in a marriage where I didn't feel emotionally supported.

Somewhere in the chaos of motherhood and a midlife slump, my drinking moved from social to something far more private and far more damaging.

Watch: Your Body After 1 Year Without Alcohol. Post continues after video.

Most nights followed a predictable pattern. I would come home from work, manage the after-school rush, dinner, homework, the constant carousel of teenage emotions and younger-child needs. The kids were always taken care of by me; fed, clean, safe. But after 6pm, I switched off. Wine became my off-duty button. I would retreat to the couch with a glass (or six), scroll, watch TV, and let the evening pass by in a blur. The kids stayed in their rooms until bedtime, while I disappeared into my own numbing routine.

My tolerance for alcohol grew, and so did the emotional distance. Not just from my marriage, but from myself. I was self-medicating the pain of feeling unseen, alone, and unsure of who I was anymore. Alcohol offered a short-lived escape, but it left me waking up with more shame, more disconnection, and a deeper sense that I was drifting further from the woman I wanted to be.

Despite all of this, a small voice inside me never fully went quiet. I knew, deep down, that I had a purpose and passion I wasn't fulfilling. I knew that if I kept drinking, I would never find out what that purpose was. And perhaps even more important: I wanted to be present for my kids. I wanted to be their safe place, not a mother who was drinking her life away.

My turning point wasn't one dramatic rock-bottom moment. Instead, it came quietly, after I separated from my husband. Suddenly, it was just me and the kids. No buffer. No pretending. No hiding behind the story that my drinking was simply how I coped with a decaying marriage, and stress.

I realised I had a choice: continue numbing myself, or build the life I knew I deserved.

Image: Supplied.

That clarity was enough. I poured every ounce of determination into quitting. I devoured every piece of "quit lit" I could get my hands on. I listened to podcasts while driving, folding washing, making dinner. And eventually, I joined This Naked Mind, a community that helped me shift my entire perspective on alcohol, and one that I now work for as a coach! Instead of seeing alcohol as something I was losing, I began to see my alcohol-free life as something I was gaining.

This New Year's Eve marks four years alcohol-free, and I can honestly say it's the best decision I have ever made.

I am a single mum to three kids — two adults, and one 16 — and I'm present for them in a way I never could have been while drinking. They know that no matter what time of day or night, they can come to me and I will be there — clear, grounded, and available. I also stepped fully into the purpose that had been whispering to me for years. Today, I am an Alcohol Recovery Coach and a Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach specialising in narcissistic abuse.

I also have two podcasts about freedom from alcohol "Not drinking alcohol today" and "Laughs without lager". The woman who once numbed her pain now teaches others how to feel, heal, and reclaim their own power.

Life is not magically easy. Teenagers still push boundaries. Bills still need paying. Challenges still pop up when I least expect them. But alcohol is so small and irrelevant now that I never even consider using it to cope. I have built a toolbox of healthy ways to regulate my nervous system, manage stress, and process emotions. I am clear. I am fulfilled. I am steady. And I am living the life I was destined, and deserve, to live.

If you're where I was — drinking more than you want to, feeling ashamed, telling yourself you "should" be able to control it — I want you to hear this: You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not the only one.

Your drinking is not a moral failure. It's a coping strategy that served a purpose until it didn't. And once you understand that, everything changes.

Here are a few things that helped me and may help you too:

Get curious, not critical.

Instead of asking "What's wrong with me?" start asking "What is alcohol doing for me… and what is it doing to me?" Curiosity opens the door to change.

Build support around you.

You don't have to do this alone. Podcasts, books, online groups like This Naked Mind, sober coaches, and alcohol-free communities can make all the difference.

Image: Supplied.

Notice how alcohol affects your family — not with shame, but with honesty.

My kids were loved and cared for, but they were also learning that Mum checked out every night. That awareness hurt and it motivated me more than anything.

Believe you deserve more.

Because you do. Every one of us deserves a life where we are awake, present, and connected.

Start small.

You don't have to quit forever. Start with one alcohol-free day. Then another. Then a week. Momentum builds.

Change how you socialise.

I now have no problem going out at night with people who drink and I can still out-party people, sing karaoke and just generally have a great time. But to start with I socialised during the day, brunches, walks, picnics you name it. I still love to do these!

Image: Supplied.

I didn't give up alcohol because I was an alcoholic I don't relate to that word at all. I gave it up because my life and my future were too important to keep disappearing from. I wanted to be awake for all of it: the messy, the beautiful, the boring, the extraordinary.

If you're reading this and wondering whether you should make the same choice… you probably already know the answer. And if you need someone to believe in you until you can believe in yourself, let me be that person.

You deserve a life that doesn't need numbing. You deserve clarity, peace, and purpose. You deserve to come home to yourself — just like I did.

Feature image: Supplied.