Hush now.
Zoë Foster Blake is here and she’s wearing a pilgrim collar circa 1620 and excuse me while I purchase one immediately.
It's a Wednesday evening and I have things to do. There are dishes in my sink and a dog demanding dinner but none of that matters because Zoë is ready to show us all her face routine at this very moment and goodness I want a face routine.
Her voice is like velvet and her skin is like dewy grass on a cold morning and how do I be like that? Is the secret buried in the bottle of her new product? I think.... yes.
"I'm Zoë and I'm the creator of Go-To," she begins and yes sweetie we know.
It's at this point I ask myself why I'm here. I don't understand skin care or makeup but I'm turning the volume up and summoning my twin sister because something important is happening inside my phone.
Zoë Foster Blake on how her makeup routine has changed since having kids. Post continues below.
"It's Zoë," I whisper. "She's here to share her face routine with us." My sister knows, implicitly, that she must sit down.
Zoë begins with something called Marc Jacobs Youthful Look Long Wear foundation that I'm pretty sure costs more than my Kmart coffee table but it would appear I need it immediately.
"I have really veiny eyelids," she explains and yes me too my eyelids are the colour of an angry thunderstorm.
She then whips out IT Cosmetics Bye Bye Undereye and I yell at my sister, "DO WE OWN THAT YET" and she says "NO" and I say "OK WELL GET ONLINE WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO MUCK ABOUT."
Zoë then applies the concealer to only the inner corners of her eyes not in that triangle shape all the Youtubers tell me to do and we look at each other in shock but also awe.
That's when it's time for the BLUSH. She says, "I've learned that for me it's more flattering to put on a colour that's more akin to what my actual flush would be, whereas for years I went for really bright, corals and pinks," and excuse me while I burn and then travel to the tip and then stomp on the coral blush someone gave me for free once. I shan't be using you anymore. Zoë says use something more burgundy do you understand.
But, hang on.
She's doing what she describes as a 'Nike swoosh' starting on her upper cheek bones (I don't know the names of face... parts... the bit like under your eye with the bone where the sun hits) and then moves inwards and it's like a tick.
OK so she calls that part of your face the 'temple' which might be more precise.
I thought I was meant to just put blush on the middle of my cheek like the demon from Saw and no I can't remember who told me that but really it explains everything.
"I love nice fresh cheeks" she says, flashing her perfectly white, straight teeth and YES SO DO I NOW HOW GOOD ARE FRESH CHEEKS.
We then move on to eyes and she whips out the Trinny shadow in 'Fortune' which is "lovely, shimmery, tope, bronzey..." and I don't know what 'tope' means but I'll allow it. I'm not even 100 per cent that's the word she used, but Merriam Webster defines tope as "a small slender cosmopolitan shark" so it sounds right.
She puts it above the crease and then gets some Laura Mercier shadow in a "light shimmery colour" and puts that on her eyelids and in the corners which "opens up [her eyes] a little bit more" and yes she's right. Give this woman an Order of Australia medal ffs.
Then she moves on to mascara but doesn't tell us the brand. WHAT MASCARA ARE YOU USING TELL US IMMEDIATELY DON'T HOLD OUT ON US ZOË.
Now it's time for brows and she brushes them up before whipping out her Hourglass brow pencil and I OWN that product do you hear me. I wear the same product as Zoë on my eyebrows and THAT'S why we look so alike (we don't).
"If this was a more full on application I'd do brow soap and powder and all that stuff..." she casually remarks and, pause.
What. The. F*ck. Is. Brow. Soap.
I've only just started using a pencil that doesn't at all match my brow colour and look I don't make the rules but today I need me some soap for my brows.
Zoë finishes with the NARS Velvet matte lip pencil in Melody and looks better than I've ever looked and it took her maybe five minutes.
But we're not done yet.
It's time for Zoë to wash it all off with her brand new product, Fancy Face, an oil based cleanser which sounds like the kind of thing I need to own.
"It's very good for dry skin," she explains. "I find that I need a bit more nourishment from cleanser these days" and WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOUR SKIN GLOWS LIKE THE SUN.
Listen to In Her Bag with Jesinta Franklin. Post continues below.
I decide to bury the memory of washing my skin not half an hour ago with something appalling that I bought from the supermarket because it was 50 per cent off.
Zoë wouldn't like that, no she would not.
Did it make my skin feel tight and dry? You fckn bet. Did it get all my makeup off? Hell no. I've still got eyeliner on my cheek. Did it irritate my eyes? I can barely watch this video because they're full of gunk and are red and raw from irresponsibly pouring chemicals in them.
But Zoë's oil cleanser thing goes on dry skin with dry hands (HUH) and takes off all eye makeup/foundation/sunscreen and I know she's telling the truth because I'm watching her out of one stinging eye.
She explains that some people, especially with mature skin, would stop here. So "that might be the end of your cleansing and you would move on to your toner and your serums and your face oil and your creams".
Yes. Serums.
I don't have any of those products so just splash more water on my face because I feel as though Zoë would like that.
What I learned tonight is that I care more about Zoë Foster Blake's face routine than I care about my family. And with $1000, some different genetics, a pilgrim collar and a can-do attitude, I too can have glowy, juicy, dewy skin.
For more from Jessie Stephens, follow her on Instagram @jessiestephens90
You can read a review of Go-To's new Fancy Face Cleansing Oil, right here.
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