'I stayed with my husband after he had an affair. Four years later, I'm grateful to the other woman.'

This article was originally published on Medium.

Where am I now? I think the better question is, WHO am I now?

We're coming up on almost four years since I found out my husband was cheating with a much younger woman. It was the worst thing that I've ever experienced in my life, aside from losing my father to suicide.

Things aren't that much different. We are still married, living our normal lives as a "couple". I like to think that I am completely healed, but to be honest, I don't think you ever completely heal from a betrayal of this magnitude. I think I'm surviving though.

The bigger question is, DO I TRUST HIM again? No, not 100 per cent. But, I make a choice every day to continue working and rebuilding what was broken. The problem is that I'm always going to be sceptical. I'm always going to notice certain little things. The difference four years later is that I know myself better now. I know what my priorities are, and as long as I'm OK, all else will be OK.

Watch: More about signs that your partner might be cheating:

Living with a cheater is like living with a stranger. Their actions are unpredictable. I have an urge to sleep with one eye closed, and one open every night. My tendency is to look at him, searching for clues, naturally suspicious of his motives and behaviours.

It would be wonderful to completely erase the memories of the past. I would love to wipe my memory of every lie and tale he ever told me. I wish I could just not remember everything that happened. Unfortunately, or fortunately, whichever way we want to look at it, I'm hip to the reality of things.

The truth is that even though legally we're still bound, I know I am very much on my own when it comes to the emotional matters. My husband simply does not have the capacity to help me through those feelings of anger, hate, and confusion when they slowly creep out of nowhere. I still have triggers. The truth is that I feel rage at times. For example, when we're out somewhere and I see him looking at someone who looks like his ex-affair partner, even for a second. Or when we sit at a restaurant and our waitress is a young, pretty thing. That triggers me too. I know this is a me problem. But I've become a master of my emotions. I play it off and I make it a point to be nice, even when I'm burning up inside.

I'm not saying that he doesn't put an effort into our marriage. He does a lot. He works hard to provide for our family, he goes above and beyond for the kids, and he says yes to most of my wants. Some would say I'm a lucky bitch. I know I am. But there is something lacking, and that's trust.

My perspective now is that good people make really bad decisions sometimes. And bad people sometimes have the ability to confuse us with their generosity. That's just how it goes.

On a good note, I'm soaking in the good stuff. I appreciate his contributions. The whole affair thing really opened up my eyes to one fact, which is that nobody is obligated to be there for you or even stay with you, married or not. We all have a free will to decide the course of our lives. And so, there's a lot to be said about my husband. He has chosen to stay with me, and to continue to put in the effort, even when he may have been with someone who treated him better or validated him when I couldn't. He is trying hard to redeem himself. I'm not perfect. I have a lot of flaws and have made really big mistakes in our relationship as well.

For that reason, I'm actually appreciative for the other woman. He experienced something new, exciting and fun. He was made to feel valued, admired, and adored by someone other than his spouse. It also made me realise that I didn't appreciate him enough. She made me understand that he doesn't HAVE to stay with me, not for the vows he made on our wedding day, or even for the kids, the family we have built. That was a big blow to my ego. I like to call it a reality check.

It also made me realise that I too, can walk away at any time. I too, have a free will. I have a voice. I'm married, I'm not dead. Maybe I can look too. If he can, I can too, right? I guess that's a topic for another post.

For more from Marie Ela Quint, check out her Medium profile here.

Feature image: Getty.