'Dear Bridezillas everywhere: I hear alarm bells, not wedding bells.'

Dear Bridezillas everywhere,

You’ve reached peak level hysteria, and we all think that’s enough, now.

Getting married is not a free pass to demand $1500 cash contributions from each guest, to ask people you’ve invited to pay for their own meals, to require your friends to compete for a spot in your bridal party, to lose your sh*t if someone announces their engagement or pregnancy within an entire year of your ‘big day’, or to dictate what your guests wear according to their weight.

These unreasonably high expectations are mean-spirited, childish, selfish, and goddamn ridiculous. (Although, also extremely entertaining to the rest of the world.)

It’s wholly ironic that an event which is supposed to be about love has become, thanks to you, all about highly conditional love and acceptance of the people in your life. And tantrums.

When I read about your demands, which go viral on a weekly basis, in direct proportion to how outrageous they are, I think you are narcissists incapable of compromise, and spoilt women who don’t care about whether their guests enjoy the occasion or not. I don’t feel, ‘Oh, wow, this chick knows what she wants, and her ideas will make for a beautiful testament to her enduring relationship’.

No, I don’t hear glorious wedding bells – I hear alarm bells.

I think, this cannot end well.

Let me tell you a story.

There was once a girl who was so low key about her wedding that the driver she hired to take her to the event did not know she was the bride, she was so relaxed. This chick was so laid back about it all, she just wanted to throw a huge party with her man for all their family and friends. So, they didn’t make an entrance, but were at the venue when the guests arrived. There was no bridal party. There was no choreographed wedding dance.

Not that having those things are bad – not at all – but the less details meant the woman was a bridechilla, not a bridezilla. And yes, she was me. (And no, this story is not just an excuse to talk about how awesome I am – that’s just a bonus.)

If the bride hasn’t specified your outfit colour already, can you wear white?

Now, don’t think for a second I didn’t have a beautiful wedding. I did. In fact, my wedding was so beautiful that if I were to ever get married again, I’d happily do it in the same venue, with the same band, in the same dress – (just please, not the same man). But definitely, definitely the same cake. (#croquembouche)

The only thing missing on my wonderful wedding day was a high stress level. That’s why I know what I’m talking about when I say weddings do not have to be a calamity of tears, unrealistic demands, and an event after which everyone involved needs counselling.

If you don’t trust that advice, and adjust your attitude, it’s gonna end in tears, girlfriend.

As with anything in life, you can’t control everything – and the more you try, the more things will mess up. That’s a guarantee. Because, and I can say this with 100 per cent certainty, something will go wrong – especially if your expectations are so high, they’re basically unachievable.

You’re creating an occasion that’s about conditional love; threatening everyone you hold dear that if they don’t comply, you’ll be angry with them. You’re focusing on the things that don’t really matter. And everyone pretty much hates you for it.

Already, even before the day, it’s ended in tears – of laughter from the world – do you really want it to end in your real tears when it’s over?

Because, if you don’t tone it down, what you’ll be left with is the exact opposite of the glorious day you’d envisaged and so desperately wanted, and the taste of disappointment on your tongue for years to come.

So, please, take my suggestion and try a little bit more bridechilla, and a little less bridezilla. I promise it will mean that you’ll love, and enjoy, your special day as much as possible.

Signed,

Over it.

(On behalf of the entire world.)

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