Six things you only know if you work weekends.

It’s Saturday.

You know, the day that comes after the radio blasts “RNB Fridays” for approximately 19294950 hours.

The day universally elected for shopping days, parties, and beach trips.

The day that was, for all intents and purposes, designed to be a day off.

Well, it’s Saturday reader friends, and I’m AT WORK.

Again. 

Don’t get me wrong, I understand this is a first world problem. It’s not like I’m dying, or have run out of bobby pins. But there is a certain pain that comes with working weekends that only my fellow weekend warriors will understand.

Let me explain on behalf of us all.

Problem One: Sick days do not exist

Even if you have a bacterial plague, there is no such thing as a day off when you work weekends. There is NO. SUCH. THING.

Why? Because who on this godforsaken planet is going to put their hand up to cover a shift, when it’s the weekend?

Nobody, you poor miserable bugger. Nobody will cover your shift. Now get to work and try not to snot all over the place.

Problem two: The weather

For some ungodly reason, the weather is always better on Saturdays. Don’t fight me on this with your facts or statistics, because it seriously just is. I look out the window nearest to my desk every Saturday and see sun! children playing! rainbows! puppies! the faraway forest of Narnia!

Today, dearest reader friends, it’s bloody 28-freakin-degrees.

But by the time Monday rolls around?

Storms! Hail! Sad kids leaving for school looking like they’re gonna vomit! Total darkness indicating impending armageddon in the sky!

I almost exclusively spend my Mondays on the couch with a mug of packet soup dribbling down my chest. The extent of my physical activity is getting up to inhale some dark chocolate Maltesers, or doing a total of seven squats while I wait for aforementioned mug soup to heat up.

Problem three: Social media

Want to feel like the loneliest dork in DorkVille? Just log onto your Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat, on a Saturday or Sunday, friend!

There, you’ll find every single “mate” you’ve ever had hanging out together. I mean, the mates YOU introduced to each other.

Now they're at brunch! At wineries! At home baking cookies! Selfishly being happy while socialising and doing normal people Saturday things without you!

Those people are not mates, they are monsters. Unfriend them all immediately.

Problem four: Speaking of brunch...

The last time I ate brunch with friends was approximately three months ago.

I'm not joking. I miss avocado. And human contact. And having the will to live.

Problem five: Public transport

You know what, state governments? SOME OF US STILL WORK ON THE WEEKENDS. Your "weekend timetables" are as scant as women on business decision-making boards, and frankly I'm insulted.

Give us some buses, trains, and trams, please.

Problem six: Going out

Doing a full face of makeup for a night out is now a faint, distant memory.

Instead? I fly out of the office, spray some deodorant under my pits, add some dry shampoo to my hair, whack concealer on my purple under-eye bags, and head out looking like something you'd find deep in a drainpipe.

What's the worst thing about working weekends? Let us know in the comments below.