265 dildos, a thousand women, and the biggest sex toy testing on record.

Big or small. Gaunt or girthy. Stunningly erect or flawlessly floppy. One sexologist has even gone so far as to describe them as “items of beauty”. 

But in a world where the sex toy market is predicted to smash $52.5 billion in 2023, what sets a good dildo apart from the rest?

Well, we went straight to the experts to find out. And by experts, we mean actual scientists who have crunched the numbers. 

Watch: Jessie Stephens test the Fifty Shades of Grey vagina balls. Post continues after video.

Using data from Lovehoney, the world’s largest online sexual wellness retailer, researchers from the University of Kent have analysed particular characteristics and dimensions against customer star rating and level of engagement to assess the popularity of *clears throat* phallus-shaped, vaginally insertable sex toys. 

Of the 265 dildos found online, 66 of them vibrated, 230 were made from realistic skin-like material and 96 even had a scrotum. (Hey, the industry certainly caters to all manner of tastes.)

“You can’t go shop a penis but you can go and shop different shapes and sizes of sex toys to find something that really suits you and your body, because all bodies are so different,” Alice Child, a Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex educator, told Mamamia.  

“Dildos are just another tool to have in your toolbox of ways to explore your sexuality, either alone or with a partner, and can be a very fun addition to anyone’s sex life.”

So, when it comes to shopping for your next 'Big O', what do you need to know?

Not all dildos are created equal. Image: Lovehoney.

Bigger isn’t better.

It’s a debate as old as time – does size really matter? When it comes to a woman’s self-guided pleasure, does Big D**k Energy carry any weight? 

The answer left even the scientists shook.

“Our results highlight that women may not be simply seeking a large phallus size, as could be assumed, given the sociocultural influences around this being a desirable trait,” they wrote. “We found that insertable toys of a larger girth were less popular, while length was non-significant.” 

“Large dildos can be quite intimidating,” Alice explained. “Especially if it’s a first-time sex toy buy, you’re far less likely to get the biggest one on the market.”

In a similar vein (no pun intended), Alice says couples looking to bring a dildo into the bedroom may find a slightly smaller product an easier introduction. 

“Especially if it’s a heterosexual partner,” she said. “If you’re bringing in a toy that’s significantly bigger than your partner’s penis, it may be more likely to lead to insecurity or worry.”

But when it comes to comparing dimensions, Alice says there is a clear winner.

“People always think big means length, but actually girth is more important for that feeling of fullness which a lot of women enjoy,” the sexologist explained. “That feeling of being stretched and full is far more about girth than length. So you can get that feeling of fullness from something which isn’t that long at all.”

To get you started, try the Lovehoney High Five G-Spot Silicone Suction Cup Dildo 5 Inch.

Alice Child is a Sydney based somatic sexologist and sex counsellor. Image: Vulva Dialogues.

Good vibes don’t mean good times.

These days it feels like any new toy on the market comes with all the bells and whistles. (Literally, I own a vibrator that gets you off to the beat of your favourite song. But I digress.)

Given what we know about the sheer power of clitoral stimulation, the researchers say they were “surprised” that women didn’t love dildos that vibrated. Instead, customers preferred standalone models and more straightforward penetrative toys. 

“The way the clitoris builds arousal is all through pressure, which is why vibration and air sucking is so amazing externally,” Alice told Mamamia. 

“Whereas internally it’s mostly about friction. So if you’re pressing the dildo against the pleasure centre, or sliding it in and out, you’d still be able to get that incredible build of arousal without a vibration internally.”

Create your magic with the njoy Pure Wand Stainless Steel Dildo.

Listen to The Quicky talk about the evolution of sex toys. Post continues after podcast.

Fewer woman want a dildo that looks like a willy.

At the end of the day, a quick Google search defines a dildo as “an object shaped like an erect penis used for sexual stimulation”. But it doesn’t mean women want their new sex toy to actually look like a realistic replica.

According to the study, consumers prefer sex toys which (although suitable for vaginal insertion) are “not a direct proxy of a penis”.

So, where did that come from?

"Historically, the sex toy market was funded by the porn industry so these products were very cheaply made and they were designed by men for women,” Alice explained. “And so they tended to be a lot veiner and more penis-like in how they looked.” 

Then boom, the Rabbit hit the 90s and our screens on Sex and the City, and the rest is history. 

“When the SexTech (technology designed to enhance sexuality and relationships) revolution started to happen, and these products started having a lot more investment put into them and female-based companies started to come out, toys were suddenly being designed by women for women,” Alice said, “and a big change was moving away from penis looking dildos.”

The researchers also pointed out that a preference for non-phallic-shaped sex toys also supports feminist views that women can “simultaneously reclaim penetrative sex without having this suggested symbol of patriarchal power in their possession”. 

AKA, no Big D**k Energy in sight.

Get outside the box with the Lovehoney Beaded Sensual Glass Dildo 7 Inch.

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A post shared by Alice Child, Somatic S*xologist (@vulvadialogues)

“Unlike a penis, which comes in whatever you get, sex toys have been designed to be as useful and pleasurable as possible for lots of different bodies, mobilities, accessibilities and vaginal lengths,” Alice told Mamamia.

“That’s why you have ones which are flexible, ones that are curved and ones which have a sort of bulb-end to be really specific for G-Spot stimulation. Designers of sex toys are now deliberately designing lots of different shapes so that you can hit different pleasure points internally.” 

It also helps that toys are now so *aesthetically pleasing* you’ll want to keep them on your nightstand.

“They’ve become items of real beauty,” the sexologist concluded. “They’ve been designed so beautifully over the last five to 10 years, there’s been a real shift. 

“That really appeals to people to have something which feels beautiful in your hand, which makes you feel more sensual and more sexy, and an object that you really want to pick up. 

“It’s sort of like a self-care object. It’s not just a sex toy.”

Image: Lovehoney/supplied.

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