Mamamia recaps Wife Swap: NO. THERE ARE SPIDERS EVERYWHERE.

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This episode starts as many a wonderful works of art do... "Hello, and welcome to my channel. Today we will be doing a pantry organisation video..." 

...It seems we have a mummy blogger in the mix. 

For someone who a) doesn't own a pantry and b) if I did it would be perfectly disorganised with rogue pieces of pasta and out of date mixed herbs (BECAUSE THAT'S THE RIGHT WAY TO LIFE), this content isn't really my jam.

But I will persist. Because I have to. It is literally my job to watch this mayhem. 

I am what I am, lady-wife-lady. This lady-wife-lady-blogger-vlogger-blogger reports she has not one, but two YouTube channels. One for instructional videos where she shames plebs for having feral pantries and another for 'daily vlogs' where she documents each and every moment of her children's lives. 

They actually filmed 1000 vlogs in 1000 days. 

If you're in need of a visual of what that looks like - along with evidence as to why this lady-wife-lady has impeccably toned arms - feast your peepers on this:

Weight lifting 101. 

Now we've met this family, we are jumping to the very obvious assumption that the brood they'll be switching with lives a rather off-grid existence.

Before we even have a chance to let that thought settle, we're greeted with this shot.

Fckn nailed it. 

Meet the offline, old-fashioned, country-lovin family who claim to live "like it's 100 years ago," while also doing wheelies on a quad bike. Vibes. 

The offline fam live off the land, growing their own veggies and chopping up their cows, etc. But they also refuse to use chemical cleaning products, which they explain, leads to an incredible amount of... spiders.

(Note to my boss: I did not sign up to recap I'm A Celeb and would very much like to resign now.)

That's a no x3 from me. 

SWAP TIME.

The lady-wife-ladies make some stunning observations about their new homes.

"It's very... farm-ey," says Online Mum.

"It's very... white," states Offline Mum. 

Online Mum is but seconds into her unchaperoned house tour when she spots her first spider. They do not make friends.

She retreats to another room, where she finds another spider. 

She then tries to cook dinner for the family. As she grabs a tea towel, perhaps the largest spider of them all launches for her. It seems the critters may have strategically planned an attack on this intruder, and this is an impressive level of organisation.

In an attempt to escape the spider-coup, Online Mum goes to milk the family cow. Despite having a little grumble about not being able to YouTube 'How To Milk A Cow Pls', Online Mum gives milking a red hot go - and actually gets some milk in her bucket. 

Sucess!

...but wait. There's a suspicious look in the cow's eye. She's brewing a plan. She's going to stage an attack. SHE'S IN CAHOOTS WITH THE SPIDERS.

And smack. 

It seems that nowhere is safe for Online Mum at Offline Farm. 

On the flip side, Offline Mum is off to take the smallest kid to a talent agency for an audition and the less-small child to a ballet class. It seems both kids aren't loving life, but Offline Mum tries to interrogate the less-small child to find out more.

However, she hits a stumbling block when the less-small child, just stares back at her giving away no information.

Oh you fool, Offline Mum. These kids have been media trained. They will tell you NOTHING. 

It's time for the lady-wife-ladies to switch up their rules.

On the agenda for Online Mum: Cleaning with chemicals, decluttering, chopping off the husband's beard (random, but okay) and bringing the internet to Offline Farm. 

Whereas Offline Mum brings in the following rules: Nada chemicals, nada ballet classes, nada TV, nada laptops, nada vlogging. 

As expected, the rules go down in the respective households like a lead balloon. 

Quick, have a listen of The Spill, where hosts Laura and Kee talk through the breakup story no one was expecting today... Post continues after podcast. 

Pre-beard chop, Online Mum tries to get her temporary husband to film a vlog on shearing a sheep. He is not down for this, and has a rant about his face becoming a cloud, and we're not quite sure if he understands any facets of internet...

But alas. He's doing the vlog and opens it with "G'Day" and then flicks a snot rocket out of his nose.

This is not, in fact, a good day. 

The Online Family are going farm and planting their own veggie garden. Online Dad is pretty gutted that he can't capture this moment on camera for his vlog. Which has us thinking...

...can he not see the entire crew of cameramen filming this very moment?!

Moving on. 

It's time for Offline Dad's rebrand. And we're not sure if they just chopped his beard off, or cast a completely different dude.

Like, who are you sir?

The lady-wife-ladies are prepping for their meeting (read: catfight), so in essence we're about to watch the online and offline world clash in real time. Can't wait. 

But wait... they're getting along. 

PARDON.

Offline Mum thanks Online Mum for shaving off Offline Dad's beard - because apparently she's been trying to cut that s**t off for 25 years. 

Did Offline Mum go on this show, sacrifice a week with her family and cover herself in cleaning chemicals, purely to snip off her husband's chin fluff?

Is this the moral takeaway from this Wife Swap episode? Good god. I think it is. 

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