'My entire childhood, I dreamed of playing Glinda in Wicked. Then I got the part.'

Listen to this episode of Little Love Stories on This Glorious Mess. Post continues below.

Dearest, darlingest, younger me,

I wish I had kept a diary to encapsulate the dream I had that I now have objectively fulfilled. Mainly to show you that the "dream" alters in its meaning.

I want to tell you that you did it, if there is really such a thing. The theatre seat you sit in is now the one you will glance up at as you fly in by bubble in Wicked. The stage door you waited eagerly at is now the one you exit to sign programmes.

Looking back, maybe you should have thought about what your signature would be when you made it up in grade 5.

The dress ups didn't end, and you still get to wear a tiara and carry not only a wand, but also an entire show.

Watch: Courtney Monsoma shares a video of a full circle moment where she first saw Wicked at school and now plays Glinda in Wicked Australia. Post continues after video.

I wish I could visit you and tell you all of this because I know you wouldn't believe me, though I also believe you would, because at this young age the sky is the limit.

If I told you the bubble wasn't mechanical, and it was actually pure magic, you would most definitely accept that truth in your older selves' abilities.

***

Have I made it? Do you ever? There isn't a day when I don't get to do what I love; that I'm not deeply grateful for the opportunities and experiences I get to have.

I used to believe the dream was a big job (which still is a dream). But I have now learnt the dream is to be gifted this outlet to express and heal pain, in both myself and others. The rehearsals, the challenges, the auditioning, rejection and even the personal heart break whilst getting to channel that into a creative outlet.

I watched Wicked in the balcony stalls of QPAC on a school excursion and waited at the stage door just to glimpse someone walking out. To have that full circle moment is something that feels like a movie sometimes. I guess I didn't predict or understand the challenges of navigating all of it and how tough and lonely it can be, especially with the dedication required for the job (something that is worth the sacrifice).

Sheridan Adams as 'Elphaba' and Courtney Monsoma as 'Glinda' at the Wicked Australia press tour. Image: Supplied.

I was an anxious child, always the nervous kid before the performance who would come down with a sickness just before, almost as a way to excuse myself if I wasn't quite perfect.

I was also a sensitive little girl, with undiagnosed neurodivergence.

Getting diagnosed with ADHD in my early adulthood helped me understand myself and my brain and I had to work every day to cater to that in the environments I found myself in. I spent a lot of time shaming myself for the traits before understanding the why and I wish I had that understanding earlier. With ADHD comes many things, perfectionism being one of them. 

One of my purest memories growing up in dance class was from my seventh birthday. I was at ballet class, wearing a leotard and a flower headband. I remember looking in the mirror, and seeing my belly looking really full and round and thinking, "I'm so proud I ate my dinner so well". So I probably stuck my tummy out further, causing my back to arch, which is just the correct posture for ballet. I was so proud of it.

This sadly changed as I grew older. I have never spoken about this publicly, but now that I am healed, I feel it a duty to inspire others similarly, especially those in this industry. I developed an eating disorder and this followed me throughout my professional career.

When you're in that place you almost cannot imagine a time when you won't be, but I'm here to tell both my younger self and anyone listening, that day will come. Being able to have good brain function on stage to remember lines is worth fuelling your body for, trust me. Healing is possible, and it is worth it, and so are you. In fact, it is the reason you can put your best foot forward to do the jobs and live the life you deserve.  

***

So, my younger self, I am very proud of you. For all of your achievements but also for your dedication. Thank you for always being the little voice in me that keeps me dreaming and reminds me that I love to do.

Courtney Monsoma plays 'Glinda' in Wicked Australia. Image: Supplied.

Your vulnerability is your superpower. It's the magic that connects you with others. It's the thing beneath self, beneath ego, it's the being.

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Feature image: Supplied.