This is why we fight.

"I feel like he is ashamed of me, embarrassed of me. I feel like I'm good enough for him, but not for his public image. And that really hurts and it makes me feel really insecure."

Jess's voice cracks as she says these words. And while we can't see him, we can feel her partner, David, shifting uncomfortably in his seat across the room. 

This is where This Is Why We Fight begins — in the quiet, gut-punch moments that we never normally get to hear couples say out loud. 

Perth couple Jess and David have been together for years. They both have children from previous relationships, and they love each other deeply. Yet here they are, sitting in front of a therapist for the third time. 

Their first therapist told them, within minutes, that they shouldn't be together. Their second attempt ended with Jess walking out, so triggered by something David had said that she couldn't stay in the room. 

Now, they're trying again. And this time, the session is being recorded — not for TV drama, but for something far more confronting and real: a podcast about real people, real problems and real therapy. 

Listen to the first episode of Mamamia's brand new podcast, This Is Why We Fight. Post continues below.

Hosted by clinical psychotherapist Sarah Bays, Mamamia's new podcast invites listeners to sit in on genuine therapy sessions between couples, friends and families who are brave enough to let us hear what healing really sounds like. 

It's voyeuristic in the most human way: not because we're nosy, but because we recognise ourselves in their voices.

Why conflict is unavoidable.

Sarah has spent more than a decade helping people navigate communication, trauma and emotional connection — work she said grew from her own experience of being helped. 

"I don't think we can ever avoid conflict," she told Mamamia. 

"Even with the most harmonious of relationships, there will be moments of tension or disappointment or frustration. That doesn't have to mean it's a full-blown fight — but there will always be forms of conflict."

Conflict, she said, isn't a sign that something is broken. It doesn't mean you've failed. It's just an inevitable part of being human. 

"When you've got more than one person in anything, you've got two whole words — world views, perspectives, needs, wants, emotions, baggage — that are contending with each other," she said.

Why small fights become big ones.

According to Sarah, the difference between a fight that helps you grow and one that threatens to tear a relationship apart comes down to three things: safety, trust and regulation. 

"Where conflict becomes more of a problem is when there's not enough safety and trust for conversations to happen in a non-toxic way. Or when people have taken a 'you versus me' position instead of 'us versus the problem'," she said. 

The shift from partnership to opposition is what can send couples into gridlock.

"If I can't trust that either I can keep myself regulated, or that my partner can stay regulated, I'm going to come into that conversation already anxious or defensive," Sarah added.

"And when I'm dysregulated, I can't hear you, I can't think properly and I can't say what I need to say."

Psychotherapist and host of This Is Why We Fight, Sarah Bays. Image: Supplied.

It's a pattern nearly every couple knows: we stop listening and start reacting, and suddenly the argument isn't about the original problem anymore. It's about survival. 

When Sarah pulls back the curtain on why people fight, she returns to an idea from renowned psychotherapist, Esther Perel: almost every argument can be traced back to one of three things.

Care and closeness. Respect and recognition. Power and control. 

"Those are the roots. It's rarely about the dishes or the text messages," Sarah said.

"The content is a distraction; the root cause is what we try to get to."

So when Jess tells David she feels like he's ashamed of her, what she's really fighting for is recognition. And when David gets defensive, he's fighting for respect. The love between them is still there, it's just tangled and buried beneath all the noise. 

Why we get stuck in cycles of conflict.

Many of the couples who appear on This Is Why We Fight have been trying to solve the same issues for years. So, why do people keep repeating the same cycles?

Sarah said, in these situations, timing and emotional capacity matter more than people realise. 

"If other things in life are stressful — work, kids, health — it diminishes people's capacity to show up in relationships like they probably want to," she said.

"And sometimes, it's just not the right therapist. It's really common for people to try therapy once and say, 'Oh, it wasn't for me'. But I always say, please try someone else. If I got a haircut that looked terrible, I wouldn't decide hairdressers aren't for me — I'd just go to a different one."

Watch the trailer for Mamamia's newest podcast, This Is Why We Fight. Post continues below.

In This Is Why We Fight, Sarah's role isn't to pick sides, but instead to hold space. 

"I am neutral," she explained, "but neutral doesn't mean I don't call things out."

"My job is to observe, to reflect back what I am seeing, because when you are in it, people miss a lot. Sometimes your partner actually says what you've been wanting to hear, but you're so defensive that you don't even hear it."

Just having a third party present, she said, changes the temperature of the room. 

"People listen better. They regulate more. They behave differently — in a good way."

What people may find surprising, and a thing that surprises even Sarah, is how they react when moving through the episodes. 

"I think most people will go, 'Oh, that's me'," she said. 

"You don't have to have had the exact same problems or fights, but the feelings are universal. 

"Everyone has felt dismissed. Everyone has felt shame, or not cared for."

That, she said, is the heart of This Is Why We Fight: "You hear these couples and you think, 'That's me, that's us', and then maybe you learn something about yourself, too."

How to fight better.

So what can we actually do when we're in the middle of a fight that seems to be spiralling out of control?

Your best friend, Sarah said, is a pause. It might be a breath. A sip of water. A few seconds of silence before you say something you might regret.

"It sounds simple, but it really works. Once your nervous system gets activated, it takes a long time to come back down," she said. 

"It's a circuit breaker. It helps you reset and think clearly about what you're actually trying to do here."

And if you can learn to recognise what dysregulation feels like in your body — like the tight chest, the clenched jaw, the rising heat — you'll notice it earlier next time.

"If I'm not connected to my body and how I respond to stress, I won't even know I need to take a pause. I'll already be yelling before I realise it's gone too far."

For Sarah, This Is Why We Fight isn't about proving that love can conquer all. It's about showing what love really looks like when it's trying to survive. 

"There's a misconception that couples therapy is about helping people stay together," she said. 

"That's not my job. My job is to help them get clear on what's happening — and if they decide to end things, to do it respectfully."

Resolution doesn't always mean reconciliation, she said. Sometimes, it just means understanding and not feeling so alone.

"I think people can feel really lonely in their relationship problems," Sarah added.

"They don't want friends or family to think badly of their partner, so they don't share. I hope this podcast lets people think, 'Okay, I'm not the only one. There are other people going through this, too.'"

That's the quiet power of This Is Why We Fight. It doesn't necessarily promise happy endings. But it does promise honesty, and a reminder that the way we love and the way we fight are often two sides of the same thing.

Feature image: Supplied.