'If you own a beach cabana, it tells me everything I need to know about you.'

I'm not a beach girly. I probably go to the beach a few times a year and when I do, I have at most— an okay-ish time. However, recently, that okay-ish time has turned into a horrible time.

Let me explain.

When I do go to the beach, my absolute favourite thing to do is to lie down on my towel, close my eyes and listen to the waves of the ocean. It's the most calming experience, and it's the one time that I truly find peace in my surroundings.

Spoilers: I'm at peace no more.

A few weeks ago, I was doing just that at the beach except there was more noise than usual. The sound of my calming waves was replaced by the loud slapping noise of fabric against the wind.

I could also hear a man yelling (YELLING), "Oi, we need more sand for the weights!"

I could hear a kid also yelling, "Can I help!?"

I could hear a girl around my age, again, yelling, "I reckon we'll fit into this spot!"

Annoyed (and curious), I opened my eyes to see what this sudden commotion was about. And that was my first experience with a gang… a gang of cabanas.

My worst nightmare in a photo.

I don't know when the cabana gang started, I don't know when it multiplied, and I'm scared that there won't be a "when" for its downfall. All I know is that cabana culture has ruined my life.

And I know what you're going to say, "We're just practising sun safety and being sensible." Yes, yes you are. But how much shade do you need?

What happened to the good ol' beach umbrella? I'm sure she's feeling super left out right now. I miss the days of holding down the metal or wooden pole because she couldn't hold herself up. When she decided that she wanted to be released from her bonds, she would Mary Poppins her way to some other unexpected beach goer.

We used to be a real nation who were equipped to deal with real beach problems, like making sure we didn't accidently drift away from the flags or the fish and chips shop running out of calamari.

Watch: What to do if you're caught in a rip. Post continues below.

I probably should protect myself here and say something along the lines of "not all cabana users…" but I'm certain that it is actually all of you.

If you're a cabana user, it tells me everything I need to know about you, especially when it comes to your social life.

I just want to say… we get it. You have friends. Congrats. Some of us are lonely beach-goers with our dusty microfibre beach towels taking up as little space as possible so we don't intrude on the regular beach-goers' turf.

The cabana gang? Couldn't be them.

They come in herds of two to 10 people, cabanas lined up side by side, shielding them, not only from the sun but also their view from the rest of us peasants and our sad towels. That cabana will also block the view of the ocean from the towel users as well.

We don't deserve such bliss, and we should thank our cabana overlords for gracing us with even better views of blue and white stripes (because we all love the Bananas in Pyjamas), questionable fluro geometric shapes and, if we're lucky… a rare floral print that has turned into a sun-bleached off-yellow mess. Wow, I love the beach.

I am not the only one who hates cabana culture, and I'm glad that I haven't experienced the worst of it. TikTok users are flooding the platform with videos of just how insane the cabanas have become. We're seeing more cabanas than beach, we're also questionably seeing more cabanas than people. The madness has to end!

@deannastannard

slip slop slap ladies and gents #noosa #noosamainbeach #coolcabana

♬ original sound - Guncle Diaries

Cabana culture has gotten so out of control that even our PM had to share his thoughts:

"Well that's not on."

Thank you Albo, you have my vote.

@sydneymorningherald

Australians have been calling out the practice of beachgoers setting up their 'cool cabanas', leaving the beach, then returning later in the day. Now, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has weighed in. #coolcabanas #beachcabana #sydneybeaches

♬ original sound - Sydney Morning Herald

Now, we have to talk about the real estate of cabanas.

Could you at least share the shade? It's so awkward if it's 3pm and your cabana shadow moves towards me. You give me a b**chy look like I stole your shade on purpose? What do you expect me to do? Draw sundials in the sand like a caveman to make sure I don't intrude on your precious cabana shade radius?

If the sun moves (which it tends to do), your cabana shade will also move. So does that mean you now own the space under your cabana as well as the shade that it has now created all the way over to the right? YOU'RE TAKING UP TOO MUCH SPACE.

I, however, am an optimist and fixer, and so I've come up with a solution. Every beach in Australia should have one big cabana that expands the length of every beach. There, everybody wins.

In all honesty, you can keep your cabanas, just don't make fun of me and my sad excuse of a beach towel when I place it next to you (I know you will).

* For safety purposes, this article was a joke (kinda, not really).

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Getty.