'I asked my boyfriend why he wants sex so much more than me. His answer was surprising.'

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"My boyfriend just wants to have sex all the time," a girl I met at a party confided in me. "It's like he's a sex addict or something."

While the rest of the group — a gaggle of giggly gossipers — laughed and nodded with recognition, I found myself wondering if men really are as sex-obsessed as society assumes. Or if something deeper is going on.

Experts say true sex addiction is rare. It's less about frequency and more about compulsion.

As psychologist and sexologist Laura Lee puts it, "Wanting sex often isn't an addiction. It only becomes one when it's used to numb or escape emotion, rather than to connect."

I've seen the 'men have higher sex drives' stereotype play out more times than I can count. Men tell me their partner's libido is too low, sometimes even using it as an excuse to stray outside the relationship, without consent.

I've experienced it myself too: ex-boyfriends or lovers whining that we don't have sex often enough, prodding me with their semi-hard-on whenever we're in close proximity, just to remind me they're there, waiting, sexually-frustrated in this relationship of supposed libido imbalance.

I feel it in my own relationship, too. My boyfriend could probably have sex every day, while three times a week is my sweet spot. There have been moments where his body language says he wants it, but he doesn't say it out loud, and that unspoken expectation can make it hard for me to get in the mood.

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It's not really coming from him though, it's a broader societal pressure to be validated — one that plays out differently for men and women. In my opinion, the system wasn't set up in our favour. Our narratives are opposing.

I asked my boyfriend about this, after the party girl's admission. 

"You want to have sex more often than me," I started, "but is that simply due to your sex drive, or are there other reasons?" I asked.

He thought about it for a sec. "I don't think it's just about my sex drive…" he said.

"Sometimes, in moments of insecurity I think that sex — or physical affection of some kind — will eliminate that feeling." 

I think we're all familiar with that feeling. If only he'd kiss me, cuddle me after sex, come and pick me up when I text him late at night… I could relax into the comfort of knowing that he cares, I can feel validated.

I've been there many times. I've taken physical affection as proof of someone's feelings. It's made me feel good because, even for a few minutes, I felt chosen — and being chosen felt like success. 

But I understand the feeling. I think that men experience it differently than women. 

For many women, I don't think validation sits entirely within the act of sex. It's often in the moments around it: the closeness, the care, the feeling of being wanted beyond the physical.

But for many men, the power of being able to have sex is validation. Sex becomes proof — of masculinity, desirability, virility. The ability to get hard, to make someone else feel good, to be inside someone: these things have long been equated with what it means to be a man.

Breed and be powerful. Conquer and be in control.

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It's a narrative that's centuries old, built on the idea that dominance equals masculinity. But that story has a cost. When sex becomes the main way men are taught to access connection, it leaves very little room for emotional language, within themselves or with others.

They end up using sex to communicate feelings they don't have words for — need, fear, insecurity, love — and then wonder why it's not turning us on. 

"For a lot of men, sex is one of the few socially acceptable ways to express vulnerability and seek closeness," said Lee.

"Culturally, they're often taught to link physical intimacy with emotional safety, so sex becomes a way to connect, to be close, and to communicate — even non-verbally — emotional wants and needs."

That's the paradox: the same act that offers men validation and emotional safety can leave women feeling pressured or emotionally distant. Both partners might be reaching for the same emotional outcome, but without a shared language for it, they end up misreading each other's needs.

"Healthy desire feels mutual, playful, and connected," Lee explained.

"It's flexible and can tolerate rejection. When sex is driven by validation, it often feels anxious, like you're chasing reassurance or trying to prove something. The difference isn't how often you want sex, but why."

It makes sense then, that in moments where my boyfriend might feel off or unsure of himself, he reaches for me. Sex will solve this! He — and most other men — think.

And then we see them as 'typical' men with insatiable sex drives. But maybe in those moments, what they really need isn't sex at all.

"Try to get curious about what your partner is really desiring," Lee suggested.

"Ask what sex represents for them — intimacy, reassurance, rupture repair, feeling wanted? Once you both know that, it becomes possible to meet those emotional needs outside of sex."

So next time a partner complains about mismatched sex drives, don't just fall for the cliché. Try asking what sex represents for them, not how often they want it. You might find that you're not mismatched at all, just trying to meet the same need in different ways.

Feature Image: @lauraroscioli Instagram.