Ahhh, remember how nice it was to have long hair? Aspire to this. (Source: Supplied.)
Dear Future Me,
If you are reading this letter, it means that the inevitable has happened. It’s an emergency. After a year and a half of growing out your hair, you are now tempted to cut it. Please give this letter to an aggressive person with a megaphone, and get them to shout the next two sentences to you:
DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR!
ARE YOU INSANE?!
All right, Future Me, now that you've had some sense knocked into you, sit down and read this.
I know you want to cut your hair. But the thing is, you shouldn't. Let me break it down for you.
1. You look better with longer hair. Just accept that and get over it.
2. Despite what everyone tells you, longer hair is easier to maintain. All you need to do is wash it. Why aren't you more grateful for your boring, straight, low-maintenance Asian hair? BE GRATEFUL! Stop wishing it was curly or kinky or Lara Worthington-y!
Look at what you can do with long hair: create an inside-out braid-bun! (Post continues after video.)
3. You feel better when you have longer hair. You feel like yourself. You feel more confident, womanly and alluring.
Okay, now that you've read through those comforting facts, allow me to explain why you should NEVER EVER cut your hair shorter than shoulder length again. Pay attention! STOP LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF LARA WORTHINGTON! Jeez.
1. It is so much more work than you remember. There's no such thing as "wash and wear" when it comes to your short hair, because if you did, your hair would just stick to your face like a limp, black garbage bag. You will be adding so many products to your hair and then using multiple heat styling tools on it, all to give you a "casual beach look" which is not casual in any way because you woke up 30 minutes earlier to achieve it.
You do not have time for that, as you have a small family, a job and a baby on the way. YOU ARE TOO BUSY FOR SUCH SHENANIGANS.
2. For some reason, your hair will look dirtier than it does when it is longer, and you will have to wash it more. Which is annoying and very boring.
3. Once you cut it, you'll hate it so much that you will then dye it a weird colour and look like a Muppet. Don't act like this hasn't happened before.
4. Ponytails, buns and braids? Yeah, you can forget about those fun styles once your hair's short.
5. Remember when your hair was really short in the '90s, back when you were 14 and skinny with no boobs? And remember how everyone thought you were a boy? Like, people would literally whisper, "Is that person a boy or a girl?" Now, imagine having the face and hair of a boy on top of a giant pregnant lady's body. Yeah, you don't want to go there.
6. Listen up: you are NOT Taylor Swift. You are a pregnant Asian mum in her 30s. Cutting your hair into Taylor Swift's style won't turn you into a glam pop star with a #girlsquad. Sorry to be blunt, but it's true.
7. Cutting your hair makes you crazy. It's like it unplugs a bizarre creative force within you. Remember when you wrote that 2000 word essay on your Taylor Swift haircut...and you didn't even like Taylor Swift that much? And then you submitted it to The Glow, with photos of you dressed up as Taylor Swift? Singing into a deodorant can with "1989" written onto it? THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT. IT MAKES YOU CRAZY.
8. Everyone will tell you that you should cut your hair short because you are having a baby soon. They will say that it's "easier to take care of". Do not listen to them. They do not have your hair, and have no idea how much effort it takes to make your short hair look good. Refer again to point 1. YOU DO NOT NEED TO GET A "MUM CUT". YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT. Kate Middleton didn't do it, and neither should you (especially as she is going to be mother-in-law to both of your children one day...even though you're a republican feminist).
You are henceforth BANNED from looking at photos of these celebrities:
Ruby Rose, Kate Mara, Lara Worthington, Alexa Chung, Jennifer Lawrence, Taylor Swift, Irene Kim, Khloe Kardashian.
These are the photos that you MAY look at:
Your entire Instagram feed of when you had luscious, long hair, which was mostly back in 2013. That's all.
DO NOT CUT YOUR HAIR.
You will not look fresh, cute, punk or anything with short hair. (Sorry.)
You look GREAT with long hair. Just accept that compliment, okay?
You are not a celebrity who has stylists to do their hair every day for shoots.
Could you pull off short hair? Take the test. (Post continues after gallery.)
Don't dress up again as a pop singer for work. It's weird.
Maybe get a short wig to wear around the house, to help you deal with your hair issues? I don't know.
DO NOT visit that hairdresser who looks like a Chinese Stevie Nicks, who laughed in your face when you said "I want to keep my hair long," and then proceeded to cut your hair into a short, ugly, shaggy 'do because she thought you needed a shorter haircut because you're a mum. She's nuts. Maybe write a Yelp review or something and delete her number from your phone.
Yours sternly,
Current Me.
P.S. If you are also thinking of getting a fringe, please open the envelope entitled, "DO NOT GET A FRINGE. YOU ARE NOT ZOOEY DESCHANEL. The fringe will get really sweaty and look like black spaghetti on your forehead. Read me pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase."
What letter would you write to your Future Self?
