'I thought all new mums snapped sometimes. Then 7 words from my son stopped me cold.'

When Caitlin returned from a holiday in Western Australia, she noticed a change in her children.

Her five-month-old had become extremely unsettled at bed time, and getting her to sleep was a nightly chore.

As the baby began to demand more of Caitlin's attention, her other son, two, grew clingy and protective of his mum. 

"He came more aware of her presence, and the fact she could steal his toys and wasn't just an inanimate object," the mum-of-two told Mamamia.

The toddler started acting out, hitting his younger sister and pushing her over.

Caitlin's husband, meanwhile, had just started a new job as a doctor and was dealing with a demanding work schedule. 

"He's training to be a gastroenterologist at a hospital over an hour away," Caitlin explained. "So he'd be gone the majority of the time, and he had to work seven days straight every third week."

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"I really struggled to cope with the competing demands of the two [kids] largely on my own," she continued. "I was doing  almost every bedtime by myself."

As the weeks went on, Caitlin fought to regulate her emotions.

"I had a lot of outbursts of screaming, shouting, swearing at my children," she said. "At one point I threw the TV remote at the wall and it broke."

The rage was at its worst during bedtime. She would ask her toddler to wait outside the nursery as she got her baby to sleep, but he would enter the room anyway.

"I would just feel so overwhelmed and extremely irritated," she said. "Particularly the sound of [my baby] crying really triggered me."

The emotion became "uncontrollable," and Caitlin felt an "overwhelming desire to escape."

"I'd have thoughts of, 'I literally want to walk out the door and just leave my kids in in the house.'"

From there, things only worsened.

"It really came to a head when I started to have thoughts of wanting to throw my baby across the room when she was taking ages to settle to sleep," Caitlin said. 

"I never intentionally wanted to hurt, but it was like my brain was trying to figure out this way to escape."

The mother-of-two knew she needed help when her toddler started commenting on her outbursts.

"He would say things like, 'I get scared when mummy gets angry. Mummy, you're not angry, are you? Mummy, are you happy?'" Caitlin recalled.

"It's like he'd constantly seek reassurance from me that I was emotionally stable and I wasn't going to get angry at him."

Witnessing how her son was affected by her emotions led Caitlin into a "spiral of guilt."

It her the hardest when her kids were both asleep, and the mother was left alone with her thoughts.

"I had more time to reflect on how the day went and how I wasn't able to control my emotions," she said. "I would have really low moods and become teary."

In these moments, Caitlin would be faced with a self-loathing internal monologue: I'm a crap mum; I'm causing my kids emotional damage that can't be undone. I'm a burden.

Caitlin knew these thoughts weren't helpful, so she decided to researched her symptoms.

That's when she came across a term called peri-natal (or post-natal) rage. Instantly, she knew it was exactly what she was experiencing.

"Perinatal rage is an overwhelming surge of anger that can occur during pregnancy or in the first year after birth," PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia) CEO and Clinical Psychologist Julie Borninkhof told Mamamia.

"It's far more intense than day-to-day frustration. Parents describe it as heat in the body, a sense of losing control, or reacting in ways that feel completely out of character. It can show up as yelling, crying, or an internal storm that leaves parents feeling ashamed or frightened."

According to Borninkhof, perinatal rage is often an indicator that "someone is carrying far more emotional or practical load than they can manage."

"It's a signal of distress, not a personal failing," said the CEO. " This distress can lead to anger, rage and thoughts of, urges or actions to yell at or hurt their baby or other children (this differs from intrusive thoughts)."

After reading about perinatal rage, Caitlin decided to see a GP. But following through wasn't easy.

"I kept booking an appointment, but then I'd cancel it, convincing myself, 'Oh, I'm just overreacting. Everything's okay.'"

Mother-of-two Caitlin candidly speaks about her experience with perinatal rage. Image: Supplied

This became a cycle for Caitlin, until she eventually decided that getting help was the best thing she could do for her children.

"Support begins with helping people express what they are feeling, but in a safe and supported way, without judgement," said PANDA's Borninkhof.

"Speaking with a GP, midwife or mental health professional can open access to the supports available."

During Caitlin's appointment, her GP gave her a mental health plan and prescribed her appropriate medication. 

The mother-of-two now sees a psychologist every few weeks, who helps her to regulate her emotions through widening her "window of tolerance."

"I've learned that anger is an emotion in response to a threat," she said. "Things that will shrink your window of tolerance are things like sleep deprivation and lack of practical support."

To widen her window of tolerance, Caitlin will do things like exercise and spend time with friends.

"I learned  how essential self-care is to being a mother," she said. "It's not selfish at all. It's actually critical because anger is a sign that something is out of balance."

Borninkhof echoes this, and highlights the importance of "practical support" for new parents.

"[This includes] sharing the parenting load with your partner, family and friends, considering how you can rest and get sleep, and creating a community of people and services you can talk to."

Of course, there are moments when Caitlin feels rage. But she has ways to deal with it now.

"When you get that overwhelming sense of anger rising, I learnt this thing called a drop anchor technique where you tense all your muscles in your body for a few seconds, and that gets all the energy out of you."

While we've heard about postnatal depression manifesting in emotions like sadness, Caitlin pointed out that the concept of "rage" can be a harder pill to swallow.

"I think anger is a very taboo emotion, particularly in the context of mums and looking after kids."

"And admitting that you have trouble with anger makes you feel very vulnerable and exposed."

For this reason, some parents suffer in silence

"Many people assume depression, anxiety and other mental health challenges might look like sadness or stereotypical symptoms, but not rage," Borninkhof told Mamamia. "Anger is rarely spoken about openly in pregnancy or early parenthood, and many parents feel ashamed to name it."

The CEO said that "PANDA's National Helpline offers a non-judgemental place to explore triggers, unpack emotions and plan next steps.

"In Victoria, Northern Territory and Queensland, our additional counselling programs ensure families are well supported and show how targeted investment can make a meaningful difference."

Caitlin put it best when she said: "The more we can speak about it, the more people will seek help. And it's really critical that people feel comfortable to come forward."

If you or anyone you know needs to speak with an expert, please contact the PANDA Helpline (1300 726 306) — the Post and Antenatal Depression Association.

Feature Image: Supplied