'I couldn't co-parent with my toxic ex, until I found out about "parallel parenting".'

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It's almost 10pm on a Sunday night when Melissa*'s phone buzzes. It's a message from her ex-partner, David*.

"Emily* says you make her brush her teeth twice a day. That's too much. Once is fine," he wrote. Their daughter, Emily, is about to head back to her dad's house for the week, and Melissa knows what's coming next: another seven days of different rules, clashing routines, and a child caught in the middle.

"This is my life," Melissa said. "I'm raising my daughter with someone who does everything differently from me."

Watch: An expert explains what a healthy co-parenting relationship looks like. Post continues below.

Two houses, two rule books.

Since separating two years ago, Melissa and David have shared custody of Emily. Each week, Emily moves between their homes, and with each move, she switches between completely different parenting approaches.

"At my house, bedtime is 8:30. We do the same routine every night: bath, teeth, story, lights out. We eat dinner at the table, no phones, and homework comes first," Melissa said.

At David's, the rules are looser. Emily sometimes falls asleep on the couch watching Netflix, homework is optional, and sometimes they'll have cereal for dinner.

"He thinks I'm too strict," Melissa said. "And I think his house is chaos."

The result, she says, is a little girl forced to adapt to two different worlds.

"She comes home unsettled. Those first few days are always hard. She tests boundaries, and I hear 'But Daddy lets me…' on repeat," she said.

It's called Parallel Parenting.

When it comes to separated parents, we most often hear about co-parenting, but what Melissa describes is something else.

"Co-parenting relies on cooperation, shared decision-making and open communication," said Julie Sweet, a clinical psychotherapist at Seaway Counselling and Psychotherapy.

"Parallel parenting is the opposite," she said. "It reduces direct interaction and conflict by allowing each parent to manage their responsibilities independently during their time.

"The key difference is the level of collaboration: co-parenting emphasises joint effort, while parallel parenting seeks harmony through separation."

According to Sweet, parallel parenting is often the most practical — and sometimes the safest — option.

"It's recommended in high-conflict situations," she explained.

The goal, Sweet says, is to shield children from ongoing disputes.

"Parallel parenting minimises exposure to conflict and gives children a more stable environment. Consistent routines in each household provide predictability and reduce emotional stress."

But it's not without challenges. Differing rules across households can confuse children, and limited communication between parents means they don't model healthy conflict resolution.

"Some children adjust well, but others may struggle with emotional or behavioural difficulties when moving between environments," Sweet said.

"I can be the safe space."

Melissa knows this all too well. Parenting with David often feels like a war fought silently through clipped text messages and awkward handovers. "I've suggested therapy, mediation, even parenting classes," she said.

"He just tells me I'm overthinking it. But resilience doesn't mean Emily should have to adapt to completely different rules every week."

Sweet says this tension is common.

"Parents often feel guilty choosing parallel parenting, as if it's a failure. But it isn't. It's a protective choice," she explained. "When ongoing conflict or controlling behaviour is affecting the child's well-being, minimising contact is often the best option."

Melissa has slowly stopped trying to change what happens in David's home. "I can't make him enforce bedtimes or limit screen time," she admitted.

"But I can control my own house. I can be consistent, I can be loving, and I can be the safe place she comes back to."

Sweet says this shift in focus is vital.

"Even with minimal cooperation, parents can maintain consistency through clear parenting plans and predictable routines. The emphasis is on structure and boundaries that protect children from conflict, rather than trying to create harmony between adults who can't communicate safely," she said.

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Technology can help. Co-parenting apps allow schedules, expenses, and messages to be tracked in one place, reducing the need for direct communication.

"These tools work best when combined with detailed agreements and, ideally, professional support from mediators or lawyers," Sweet added.

And while Melissa hasn't given up all structure, she's learned to soften the edges of her rigid routines.

"Emily tells me stories about spontaneous ice cream trips and late-night pillow forts. And while I still believe kids thrive on rules, I've learned to be flexible," she said. "We have Saturday morning pancakes now. Sometimes bedtime stretches for an extra chapter."

*Names have been changed to protect identities.

Feature Image: Getty.