'I'm a relationship expert. Here's how to know if your "marital hatred" is normal.'

For many couples in long-term relationships, 'normal marital hatred' can occasionally surface, transforming what was once adoration into moments of genuine aversion toward a partner.

Renowned therapist Terry Real coined the term to describe those intense, fleeting moments in long-term relationships where one partner feels a strong aversion — even hatred — toward the other.

And according to relationship expert Nikki Goldstein, these feelings might be more normal than you think.

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What is marital hatred?

"Many of us get into a state of what feels like hatred towards our partner, and I wish we normalised this more," Goldstein told Mamamia. "It might not actually be hatred as such, but the anger and frustration we have towards them feels so similar that we label it hatred."

"But there is also a lot of guilt associated with this, and feelings of a relationship being broken if hatred is what's on your mind," Goldstein continued. "But it can be a normal part of a relationship, and just knowing that and even hearing others sharing this thought process can help get you through to the other side."

One of the biggest challenges couples face is determining whether their feelings are part of normal relationship fluctuations — or a sign of deeper issues.

"It's often hard to work out what is a normal level of hatred in a relationship, and what might signal the end. I believe there are two major factors to working out the difference: longevity and love," Goldstein advised.

Questions to ask yourself.

Before panicking, Goldstein recommends self-reflection:

"How long do you feel like you hate your partner for? Is it just a few days, is it periodically, or is it when they do something in particular that sets you off or when you are under extreme stress?" she said.

Temporary periods of negative feelings don't necessarily indicate a relationship is doomed, she noted.

"If there is an end to these periods of hatred, then it might just be that," she explained. "A period of time when, for some reason or another, you have extremely ill feelings towards your partner."

"Whether these periods are normal or destructive is another issue, but if it's not continual, then there is a chance it's either a trigger to something that's going on, a pattern you get into, or bringing outside stress and pressure into a relationship, and most likely can be overcome."

When hatred becomes a warning sign.

Persistent feelings of hatred, however, might require more attention.

"If the feeling of hatred is always there and never ending, then you might want to ask yourself why you want to stay in a relationship with someone you hate. The difficulty is, the length of time when 'enough becomes enough' can only be up to an individual to decide."

Goldstein believes in the complexity of relationships and how opposing emotions can exist simultaneously.

"I do also believe you can love and hate someone at the same time, but there are different types of love," she said. "If you have feelings of hatred towards someone, but you still love them — and love them so much you don't want to be without them — then maybe this hatred needs to be looked at as insight into yourself and/or your relationship, and not necessarily a deal-breaker."

However, she also cautioned about distinguishing between different types of love.

"But then there is the love/hate scenario where you might still love them, but it comes from a place of having history; a family connection or a type of love that is more like a tolerance for someone," she explained. "This is where having feelings of hatred might be a sign to let go."

The key takeaway.

The most important thing to remember is that these feelings are typically not concerning unless they become persistent. If they become frequent or constant, it may indicate deeper issues that require attention or professional help.

For more from Nikki Goldstein, you can follow her on Instagram here.

Feature Image: @drnikkig