The 'let them' theory has changed more than 2 million people's lives.

I was feeling particularly sorry for myself one lonely night at 11:30pm, doom-scrolling on TikTok. At the time, I was dealing with this feverishly guttural feeling that I was about to be broken up with.

Things just felt... off. He was taking longer to reply to my messages, he was cancelling on me at the last minute, my requests to see each other were met with "I'll let you know"s and "I'm not sure"s.

As I was scrolling, my algorithm picked up on my sad-girl behaviour and fed me a poignant video.

It was a recitation of a poem titled Let Them, by Cassie Phillips.

It felt like this poem was written for me:

Just let them.

If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.

If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.

If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM…

Watch Looking at Life with Dee reciting the full 'Let Them' poem, by Cassie Phillips. Post continues below.

That poem, which first went viral in 2022, became my first introduction to what would later be known as the 'Let Them' theory.

But it wasn't until Mel Robbins got hold of it in 2023 that this concept absolutely exploded, becoming everyone's favourite way to deal with, well, pretty much everything.

Her TikTok video about the concept has been viewed more than 19 million times, and has more than 2 million likes.

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

♬ original sound - Mel Robbins

The theory is ridiculously simple. When people show you who they are or what they want to do, just... let them. Revolutionary, right?

If he doesn't commit to plans… let him.

If your friends don't invite you to drinks… let them.

If your coworkers talk over you in a meeting… let them. But wait, there's actually two parts to this whole thing (because of course there are).

There's the "let them" bit— where you accept other people's choices and behaviours — and then there's the "let me" part, which is all about owning your power to choose what's worth your time and energy.

The best thing about this theory is that it works everywhere — in your relationships (like my situation with Mr "I'll let you know"), at work (yes, even with that colleague whose ego is through the roof), with family (Christmas lunch drama vibes), and especially in friendships (every time you feel left out or have FOMO).

And here's why it actually works (because I know you're wondering): it's basically giving you permission to drop that massive weight of responsibility for things you literally can't control.

Listen to The Quicky discuss the 'Let Them' theory. Post continues below.

It's like finally putting down that heavy emotional baggage you've been lugging around. It's not only brilliant for reducing stress and anxiety, it also gives you a lil' self-esteem boost.

I know what you're thinking — no, it's not about letting people walk all over you. It's about acknowledging that you can't control other people's behaviour (shocking, I know), but you can absolutely control how you respond to it.

For example, if your besties decide to go to brunch without you (the audacity!), instead of spiralling into a pit of FOMO and resentment, just… let them. And then choose to do something just for yourself instead. Maybe that's finally reading that book you've been putting off, or treating yourself to a massage. The power move is in your internal response to an unfavourable external behaviour.

But let's be honest, this isn't some magical fix that will instantly make everything better. It won't completely erase the hurt when someone's being inconsiderate of your feelings (ie. being an a**hole).

What it will do is give you back your sense of control and stop you from exhausting yourself trying to micromanage everyone else's choices.

So next time you find yourself getting worked up about someone else's choices or behaviour, take a deep breath and repeat after me: "Let them." And then go do whatever the hell makes YOU happy.

Because at the end of the day, the only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. And honestly? If you're anything like me, that's more than enough to worry about.

P.S. That guy I was dating? I let him be exactly who he was showing me he was. And then I let myself move on to better things.

If you want more from Emily Vernem, you can follow her on Instagram @emilyvernem.

Feature image: Canva.