'I thought my dating life was normal, until I learnt about the floodlighting theory.'

I was just one drink in when he started telling me about his childhood trauma. We'd been at the bar for about an hour. And although he was seated across from me, I doubt this man could have picked me out of a line-up.

You see, he hadn't asked me a single question yet, but I sure knew a lot about him. He'd told me his breakfast of choice, his least favourite colleague, and all about his extensive knowledge of the stock market.

Just when I thought this man had finally run out of breath, he proceeded to tell me about his complicated relationship with his mother.

Don't get me wrong, I was sympathetic. I made all the appropriate noises in all the appropriate places. But to be honest, I think I could have left the venue without him missing a beat in his monologue.

My friends have experienced similar situations when it comes to dating; men asking very few questions and monopolising the conversation.

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"They just loooove the sound of their own voices," a friend once said.

I figured it was a result of the male loneliness epidemic, and that some men find it emasculating to share their feelings with other men.

"Do men ever brunch?" a friend once asked me over coffee.

After a sweep of the room, we counted families, couples, and plenty of women, but no men catching up over a bagel.

Sure, they go out for a beer or golf, but do they yap as we do?

It's a generalisation, but until recently I figured the answer was no. I mean, it would explain why they let it all out on dates.

However, I recently discovered a new word. A word that could explain everything. Floodlighting.

Originally coined by researcher Brené Brown, 'floodlighting' refers to overwhelming someone with vulnerability in a way that feels more like a test, rather than an attempt at genuine connection.

Essentially, it's emotional oversharing that occurs too quickly, and often serves as a shortcut to intimacy.

But as Brown explains, floodlighting isn't true vulnerability. Rather, it's a defence mechanism disguised as openness.

According to a recent Forbes article, floodlighting has become the latest dating trend to make waves on TikTok, with countless people sharing stories of dates who dumped their entire emotional baggage before the appetisers arrived.

"You probably assume that a guy [who trauma dumps] on you early on is a sign of him being vulnerable. It's not. It's him rushing the dynamic by establishing a false sense of intimacy," wrote one TikTok user.

On the date I mentioned, once the curtain had closed on his soliloquy, I suggested that it was getting late, and we left the venue separately.

I was sure a mutual ghost would ensue. Then, the next day, I got a text: "Last night was so great, I feel like we really connected. When can I see you next?"

'The only thing I had connected with was the third glass of Pinot Grigio, but he had a great time?' I thought.

Then it hit me; no s**t he had a great time. I'd be chuffed if I got a free therapy session, too.

My friend received a similar text after a near-identical date that read: "I feel like we really understand each other."

"Guaranteed he has no idea what I do for work," my friend said.

These "connection" messages are known as false intimacy claims (aka, the assumption that sharing equals connection, regardless of reciprocity).

"I haven't felt this comfortable with someone in a long time," the date said.

May I suggest a therapist's office? The chairs are pretty comfy there! Better yet, they are professionals who are paid to hear you trauma dump.

According to relationship experts, floodlighting isn't just annoying, it can be manipulative.

Jessica Alderson, co-founder of dating app So Synced, told Vice that floodlighting is "about using vulnerability as a high-intensity spotlight" to test the waters, speed up intimacy, or see if the other person can "handle" these parts of you.

The problem is that real intimacy doesn't work this way. As Brown points out, true vulnerability develops gradually as trust is built. It's a mutual exchange that unfolds naturally over time, not something you force in the first hour of meeting someone.

I'm not trying to dog-pile on men, or claim that women are always victims of the trend.

In fact, I've been reflecting on whether I've ever floodlighted someone.

I'm definitely a talker; I can chat endlessly about things I'm passionate about. But I also make a real effort not to monopolise the conversation, and to get to know the person I'm speaking to. I also tend to keep my cards close to my chest on the first date. This approach probably has its own problems, I admit, but I'd rather save the trauma for the third date, at least.

The truth is, those who floodlight probably aren't doing it maliciously. Many genuinely believe they're being open and vulnerable, qualities we all want in partners. But there's a vast difference between healthy vulnerability that develops as part of a mutual connection and premature oversharing.

Real connection requires reciprocity, patience, and the understanding that true intimacy isn't built in a single night. It's about more than just offloading your baggage; it's about making space for someone else's stories too.

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