'I thought ghosting was bad until I experienced "banksying." Here's why it's worse.'

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"When he broke up with me, it felt like it came out of nowhere..."

"I felt blindsided, but when I thought about it retrospectively, the signs were there. He was sabotaging the relationship."

Priya's* words capture a reality that's becoming increasingly common in modern dating and relationships.

The cruel confusion of thinking everything was fine, only to realise you've been living through the slow, deliberate death of your relationship without even knowing it.

What Priya experienced has now been given a name by relationship experts:

Banksying.

It's a toxic trend making ghosting look like child's play, leaving a trail of confused, hurt partners in its wake.

Watch: Toxic relationships explained on But Are You Happy? Post continues below.

What is Banksying?

Named after the British street artist Banksy, who's famous for creating artworks that appear unexpectedly and sometimes self-destruct (one being a painting that shredded itself right after being auctioned), banksying describes when one partner slowly and emotionally withdraws from a relationship without clear communication.

Unlike ghosting, where someone simply vanishes without explanation, banksying is an emotional withdrawal that happens behind the scenes.

The withdrawing partner sabotages the relationship from within, creating unnecessary arguments, becoming distant and gradually checking out, before delivering the final blow of an "unexpected" breakup.

The cruel choreography of emotional withdrawal.

The insidious nature of banksying lies in its gradual escalation.

What starts as subtle distance evolves into active sabotage, leaving the other partner scrambling to understand what's happening.

"In the last month of the relationship, he started to pull away. I wasn't conscious of it at the time, I just remember feeling clingy and insecure," Priya told Mamamia, highlighting how victims often blame themselves for the shift in dynamics.

"He would also create fights and arguments in front of people out of nowhere. I'd never seen this behaviour, and we didn't really fight or argue before that, so it was a new dynamic in the relationship. I remember feeling really confused."

This confusion is precisely the point.

The person doing the banksying creates chaos and conflict to justify their eventual exit, all while maintaining plausible deniability about their true intentions.

Why it's worse than ghosting.

Relationship expert Nikki Goldstein explained that while both behaviours feel awful for the person on the receiving end, banksying represents "one step up from ghosting."

"With ghosting the other person is not even trying to give you a clue or a hint, they simply disappear. With this, they are trying to find ways to end the relationship or kill it naturally to give you a moment to also see things might not be right. The issue is when you see things different to them," she said.

The cruel twist?

While the person doing the banksying feels relieved — having emotionally checked out much earlier — their partner is left feeling shocked, confused and emotionally hurt by what appears to be a sudden breakup.

"In the final weeks, his communication became more sparse and the pull away was really obvious in hindsight, but at the time it seemed to come out of nowhere and I felt so anxious," Priya explained, capturing the gaslighting effect of this behaviour.

The psychology behind the behaviour.

What makes banksying particularly insidious is that it represents a passive avoidance of accountability.

The person doing it gets to avoid the discomfort of an honest conversation while their partner is left questioning their own perception of reality.

"The slow death is them trying to make the other person see that the relationship is not working or, in a way, making the relationship not work because they want out," Goldstein said.

But here's where it gets complicated. Goldstein noted that the behaviour often stems from emotional immaturity rather than malicious intent.

"The thing is, with dating terms like this and even ghosting, we tend to see them in such a negative light and, yes, they don't feel great for the person at the receiving end, but often the person responsible for these behaviours is clueless as to how to actually end a relationship or dating situation," she explained.

"They might also be scared of confrontation, hurting someone's feelings by saying 'it's over' or just simply too lazy to actually end it."

The lasting impact.

The emotional toll of banksying extends far beyond the initial heartbreak.

It leaves victims questioning their judgment, their reality and their ability to read relationship cues accurately.

"It felt really awful and really cruel, and I would recognise it earlier if it happened again and communicate more clearly and directly. I don't want to experience that slow death end again," Priya said.

What to do if you think it's happening to you.

If Priya's story sounds familiar, Goldstein's advice is clear.

Don't try to regain power through games or manipulation. Instead, take control through direct communication.

"The power will come when you gain clarity and answers. No one wants their time wasted, so if you feel you are in this situation, then maybe it's time to ask the awkward, difficult and hard questions and do what they are not able to," she said.

"And if you have gotten the warning signs wrong and do ask the hard questions, and they do not want to end it, then you also might get some clarity about their intent for wanting to be in the relationship," Goldstein added.

The key is recognising that you deserve honest communication in any relationship.

If someone is emotionally withdrawing, creating unnecessary conflict, or making you feel like you're walking on eggshells, it's time to have that difficult conversation.

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, it probably is. Don't let someone else's inability to communicate honestly rob you of your peace of mind or your time.

Feature Image: Getty

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

For more from Nikki Goldstein, you can follow her on Instagram here.