"At 25, I thought my vagina was 'broken'. Then I realised I was asexual."

Listen to this story being read by Isabella Ross, here.

When Caroline Elisabeth Cull was 25, a realisation hit her. It was something she had long wondered about but didn't have the terminology or understanding to fully grasp. 

After a late-night Google search, she realised that she was asexual.

"I think the first time I saw the word asexual was after a really bad date I had just experienced, which lead me to Google at three in the morning 'Why is sex so bad?' and 'What's wrong with me?'" Caroline said to Mamamia.

"For the first 25 years of my life I wondered if my vagina was broken. I initially dismissed it, but after watching the UK TV show Sex Education on Netflix it started to dawn on me. One of the characters in the second season is asexual and watching their character arc I was like 'Oh yeah that's 100 per cent me'. And that made me feel a little bit less alone in the world."

Caroline now identifies as gray-sexual and panromantic.

The gray-sexual aspect means Caroline is someone who can only feel sexual attraction towards people she is close and comfortable with – but that sexual attraction is incredibly rare. Caroline still dates. She just doesn't feel a level of sexual attraction, nor the motivation to have sex. 

Watch: Five asexual people explain what asexuality means to them. Post continues below.

As for the panromantic aspect, it means Caroline is emotionally attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. 

Most research suggests asexuals make up around 1.7 per cent of the population, and that asexuality itself exists on a spectrum. 

Caroline tells Mamamia that she was nervous to 'come out' to her family. 

"My family is very religious – one member is even a church pastor. They had also been having conversations around the same-sex gay marriage plebiscite, saying 'we're voting no'. So the ground was shaky," Caroline said.

"They're coming around to it because asexuality for them is an easier pill to swallow since it feeds into their idea that 'sex is a sin'. And given I'm not really bothered with sex, that's the only part of me they accept because it happens to suit their agenda in a way. It's a strange feeling."

In the three years since, 28-year-old Caroline has found acceptance in another capacity – through online communities and like-minded individuals. And that has made a world of difference.

"I kind of stick to a circle that will accept me. And to this day, it's swept under the rug in my family. In a way, I still have to water down what I'm doing and who I am with them."

Today, Caroline continues to challenge misconceptions and advocate for greater representation of asexuality in film and television. Because as the saying goes – 'it's hard to be what you can't see'. Just recently she was ecstatic to see that the Heartbreak High reboot on Netflix had asexual representation. And now that it's been renewed for a second season, Caroline is keen to see that storyline continue. 

"Consulting on film projects about this subject has been amazing. I just did a pilot in Sydney too and to see the actors willing to know more about it and portray it accurately was great. There are so many misconceptions out there that we need to address."

The questions Caroline often faces.

'You just haven't had the right sex.'

This is a statement Caroline is often on the receiving end of, and one she feels deeply uncomfortable with.

"A lot of people misunderstand what asexuality is and the spectrum it exists on. Some asexual people feel zero romantic and sexual connection. Others only feel a romantic attraction, but not at all sexual. And some continue to have sex with people, but they just aren't drawn to it or feel the urge."

Recently, Caroline received a DM that said: "I can change your mind. Will just need a few drinks first." Or messages via Tinder from people saying sex with them could be the 'golden answer'. Neither is true.

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A post shared by Caroline Elisabeth Cull (@click4caroline)

'So you don't have sex at all?'

"For me, sex is more of a self-focused thing. I use a really good app called Quinn that is more of audio/erotic platform, as that emotional aspect helps me find pleasure," Caroline said.

"Sometimes people mistake asexuality as the same as celibacy, which is different."

Celibacy is when someone does experience sexual attraction but chooses not to act on it. Whereas asexuality is someone who experiences no to little sexual attraction – and whether or not they choose to then have sex is up to the individual.

'When you meet the right person, you'll feel differently.'

"A lot of the time, people try and discount your identity and suggest that it's not valid. So perhaps they'll assume I have sexual trauma and that's the reason I am asexual. Or they'll say 'maybe you will change your mind down the track' or 'when you meet the right person you'll feel differently'," Caroline said.

"I guess they just want to make sure you're making the 'right' declaration if you will, but I think you should take what the individual says seriously and embrace rather than question them."

'What about having kids?'

This is a question so many of us face and are pressured to answer. And for Caroline, it's no different.

"Sometimes I get asked if I'll ever have a family or kids etc. Even my own loved ones used to ask me this a lot and worry about it, but they've started to slow down on the questions, realising it's up to me," Caroline explained.

There are many asexual people who choose to start a family, as well as many asexual people who form lasting relationships with a partner. As Caroline said: "It's completely varied and up to the individual."

The positive side of social media. 

For Caroline, the online world has been a place of comfort and acceptance for her. 

Not only did it help her realise a lot about herself – a path she is still navigating – but it also gave her the opportunity to help others who are feeling alone.

"Sometimes I get messages from people saying the content I post has helped them realise they're asexual. It's really nice to be able to make that difference, because there's such little information out there. There's a big sex culture in Australia, so it can feel isolating when you don't fit into that box."

The last week of October is Asexual Awareness Week. And to mark it, Caroline has been posting as usual on her socials, aiming to bring awareness and start a conversation. 

"Being able to uncover who I am, what asexuality means to me and connect with others is amazing."

You can follow Caroline on Instagram here, and her asexual Instagram blog here. If you would like to support one of her latest film ventures focusing on asexual representation - Girl Riot - you can do so here. 

Feature Image: Instagram @click4caroline. 

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