'Sorry kids, but I might be an "eggshell parent".'

A few months ago as my eldest son was leaving for school, I started welling up with pride and emotion. He looked so grown up as he confidently strode out the door that his whole 12 years of life suddenly flashed through my mind. 

As he gave me a hug, he noticed the tears and asked me why I was crying. I stumbled through a vague answer about feeling premenstrual and that I was fine and I loved him and off he went. Occasionally we laugh about the time Mum cried on that random Tuesday morning, but because my tears and emotions run close to the surface, he would not have been surprised by my outburst. 

As someone who leans towards sensitivity and emotion, I have learnt there's a term for this type of parenting, and while I don't fully relate, I might just have some of its qualities.

The clicky phrase 'eggshell parent' has over 297 million views on TikTok and counting. It stems from the saying 'walking on eggshells' around someone who is prone to emotional unpredictability and moodiness. 

Relatable, right?

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I love my boys deeply and always try hard to do the right thing by them, but my big feelings, especially at certain times in my monthly cycle, can surface. 

I might yell because of frustration that no one has put on their shoes after 20 minutes of gentle encouragement, and I might cry when looking at their baby photos or when we watch a sad Disney movie (hello, Up, Wall-E, Inside Out). 

I might even present as moody or stressed because life is busy and I am a human and a parent.

I know I am supposed to be authoritative but not authoritarian, involved but not a helicopter, gentle but not too soft and is it scrunchy, crunchy or silky? 

I forget.

And now I must make sure I don't go too eggshell, because the more I read about it, the more this seems to be code for being an asshole.

At the extreme end of the spectrum, having an emotionally unstable or abusive 'eggshell parent' can have very serious and lasting damage to a child's development.

Dr Kim Sage, a psychologist who has shared multiple TikToks with millions of views on this topic, says that there are many impacts having an eggshell parent can have on a kid's life. This includes a child becoming hypervigilant, prone to anxiety and a lack of trust and being easily upset or triggered.

@drkimsage Eggshell parenting and emotionally unpredictable, unsafe parenting often creates a lifetime of hypervigilance in us —and a deep belief that there’s no such thing as real safety in relationships.💔#eggshellparent #toxicparent #walkingoneggshells #emotionallyimmatureparents #narcissisticparent #drkimsage ♬ original sound - Dr. Kim🦋Psychologist

Dr Sage supports clients who experience trauma after being raised by narcissistic, borderline personality or 'eggshell parents'. Her advice on how to spot eggshell parents includes watching for these behaviours in yourself or your parent: 

1. Rollercoaster moods that include very high-highs followed by very low-lows.

2. Verbal abuse or punishment that includes yelling and makes you feel guilty or bad about yourself.

3. Accusatory behaviour, lying and intentional gaslighting.

4. Parentification where roles are reversed and you feel you must take care of your parent.

5. Isolating you from other supportive people and general inconsistency in all behaviour.

While my boys are used to seeing me cry, or get stressed, I don't think that I'm at the extreme borderline personality end of the 'eggshell parenting' spectrum or that I'm causing my boys harm by showing emotion when the situation calls for it.

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According to Dr Vanessa LoBue, writing for Psychology Today, becoming a parent changes your brain, making us more emotional in order to bond and connect with our kids.

A group of researchers collected brain scans using fMRI from mothers before and after they gave birth to see if their brains changed in any noticeable way. The researchers found that the structure of mothers’ brains did in fact undergo significant changes that were long-lasting, remaining for at least two years after the women gave birth.

"Importantly, the parts of their brains that changed most were the ones that were active when the mothers were looking at pictures of their own babies. The researchers think that these changes might help women to be extra attentive to the emotional needs of their newborns."

It sure explains all the crying at the front door when I waved my 'baby' goodbye.

While I need to stay vigilant with my moods and apologise when I overstep the line in order to avoid full-blown eggshell parenting, I hope that being vulnerable and showing emotion is not always a bad thing.

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Psychologist and mum-of-four Sarah Conway believes it is okay to express emotion and cry in front of our kids. 

"Research has shown that children who grow up in families where emotions are openly expressed are more likely to develop healthy emotional regulation skills and have better mental health outcomes as adults," Sarah writes.

"On the other hand, children who grow up in families where emotions are suppressed or ignored may struggle with emotional regulation and may be at higher risk for developing mental health issues later in life.

"Crying is a natural human response to intense emotions. We cry when we are sad, frustrated, disappointed, even joyful! Crying helps us release pent-up emotions and can help to reduce stress and promote emotional healing. When we try to suppress our tears, we may actually be doing ourselves more harm than good. So of course, we want to teach children that crying is a positive thing and that expressing emotions is healthy!"

She also writes that there are a few boundaries we 'eggshell parenting-adjacent' mums can consider in order to model appropriate emotional regulation.

"There are of course, times when it may not be appropriate to cry in front of our children. Expressing our emotions is not the same as making children responsible for managing them. And there is a difference between healthy emotional expression and emotional outbursts that might lead to confusion or fear for children."

Parenting can be a tough gig and sometimes labels are useful when it comes to understanding our own upbringings or ways we can improve our behaviour. Recognising eggshell parenting can help both kids and parents seek the professional support they need. 

However, watching some pop psychology TikToks and then feeling like a bad parent is absolutely not helpful. 

I may cry a bit too much and be prone to moodiness, but when it comes to consistency, my boys are loved, safe and not too worried about those eggshells. 

Laura Jackel is Mamamia's Family Writer. For links to her articles and to see photos of her outfits and kids, follow her on Instagram and TikTok.

Feature Image: Supplied.