The rise of the 'Zombie Marriage' and why it's more damaging than divorce.

Lauren* clearly remembers the moment she checked out of her marriage. Not physically. She had no plans to leave. But emotionally, Lauren had exited the relationship. It wasn't one big moment or an intense argument, but a seemingly innocuous phone call.

Her husband called to say he'd taken a fall at work and couldn't collect the kids from childcare. His office was two minutes away from the centre. Hers was 45 minutes.

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"And instead of feeling worried, I felt rage," she said. "Because, yet again, it was going to fall on me. I had no empathy left. That's when I knew that something in me had shut off."

It hadn't happened overnight, but rather a drip-feed of moments that gradually erode trust, intimacy, and connection.

"I remember having our 18-month-old next to me on a potty while I was miscarrying," she said. "I called him at work to tell him and he asked if I needed him to leave. When I got out of emergency, a nurse was entertaining our toddler, and he was typing away on his laptop."

Each time something big happened, she says, she found herself feeling more alone, more disappointed, and more aware of how much she carried by herself.

"My sex drive was dead, and I'd always been the initiator. I wasn't fighting anymore. I just went silent."

Silence, for her, was a kind of freedom. Not asking for anything, not expecting anything, not hoping for anything to change.

"I had so much anger towards myself. I'd ignored red flags along the way because I believed in his potential rather than his actions."

On the outside, Lauren and her husband still looked like a normal couple with young kids.

Inside the house, though, they were living separate lives.

"I slept downstairs with the kids. I behaved like he wasn't there," she said. "Zero expectations of him joining us for dinner or helping with anything. His free time was spent running or on his phone."

They were still in the same home, still parenting, still showing up at events, but the connection was gone.

"If someone really watched us, they'd see we didn't touch, didn't talk. We were strangers sharing children."

And still, she stayed.

"I'd spent most of the marriage caring for kids. I had no income. I'd moved my whole life for him," Lauren. "Two small kids, no money… very scary. He was the provider. I thought keeping the kids in one home was worth my happiness."

The rise of the 'Zombie Marriage'.

It's been dubbed the "Zombie Marriage" and according to experts, it's becoming increasingly common.

Also known as "quiet quitting", relationship counsellor Susan De Campo says many women mentally leave their marriage internally years before anything changes externally, if it does at all.

"Women mentally leave a marriage as a coping strategy," she said. "If you shut off the feelings, you stop feeling the hurt, disappointment, and frustration."

So, why not just leave? According to De Campo, there are dozens of reasons, and almost all of them are grounded in fear, practicality, or love for the kids. Essentially, divorce feels harder than staying. For some women, it's cultural or family pressure, while for others it's the fear of hurting the kids, financial instability, or the sheer logistics of starting over.

"Fear of conflict, finances, hurting the children – these are huge. That's why couples stay stuck for so long."

When a woman has mentally left a marriage, De Campo says it's almost always visible in her behaviour, even if the partner misses it. Signs include:

• Little to no interest in connection.

• Conversation limited to logistics.

• Interactions that feel transactional, not relational.

• Zero fight left, not even resentment, just indifference.

"They're not invested enough to address annoyances. It becomes like housemates. And men often genuinely don't realise. If their basic needs are being met, they can believe nothing's wrong."

De Campo says she has both male and female clients choosing the Zombie Marriage, with some going as far as embarking on other relationships.

"One male client is currently living under the same roof while secretly in another relationship," she said. "He's waiting until house renovations are done before he leaves."

The common thread? No emotional investment, no partnership, just co-existence. De Campo says while some women cope with this type of marriage, especially those with financial independence, a rewarding career and strong friendships, those who feel trapped may pay a high psychological price.

"Chronic stress weakens the immune system. It increases the risk of heart disease, digestive problems, fatigue, headaches, lethargy."

Over the years, she says, "you can become a shell of a human."

"Pretending things are OK enough while feeling miserable is not OK," she says.

According to De Campo most women living in Zombie Marriages do eventually leave.

"It's like a lightbulb," De Campo says. "They say, 'Oh. I'm done.'"

For Lauren, that moment came in the form of an email threatening homelessness.

They were living in a rental when she asked him to stay at his brother's place for a while. Two weeks later, he emailed her a warning.

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"He said that if I wouldn't allow him back in to work on the marriage, he'd have to tell the real estate agent he no longer lived there and be removed from the lease," Lauren recalled.

"And then said, 'They will see you can't cover the lease financially and you and the kids will be forced to leave. I don't want you and the kids to be homeless, but that's what you're forcing me to do.'

"That's when it was clear," she says. "He would manipulate me and threaten our kids' housing. And I was done."

While De Campo never tells women to leave their marriages, she cautions that saying you're fine isn't the same as being fine. "Own the choice you're making, and know you can always choose differently later," she reassured.

*Names have been changed to protect privacy.

Feature Image: Getty.