'It wasn't what I expected.' 15 women share their postpartum sex experiences.

I know that there are a lot of downsides to social media. I don’t think I need to list them all here, we all know about Trump and Kanye and bullying and trolling and the million other things that are problematic about it. 

But one upside about social media, that I will always be grateful for, is that it existed when I had my babies. 

I’m aware this sounds quite counter-intuitive. There’s so much 'perfect Mum' and 'perfect pregnancy' performativity on Instagram – which can make you feel like you’re getting everything wrong. But alongside these influencer images of perfection are women openly sharing their struggles and difficulties with fertility, or breastfeeding, or postnatal depression, or post-baby body image. And instead of shaming the honest sharers, a collective of other mothers cry out, 'Me too, I experienced this as well' and thank the original posters for their honesty and insights.  

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This phenomenon of parenthood sharing helped me so much during pregnancy and the early days with both my babies. It helped me realise I wasn’t alone in my motherhood struggles, that my husband and I weren’t stuffing it all up, that pregnancy and new babies and everything that goes with it is hard. Other people’s generous sharing also led me to explore and write about and share my struggles as a mother which I hope has helped others. 

I realised recently though that there are some topics that are never discussed.

A girlfriend, who is pregnant with her second child, recently told me and some other close friends about her concerns about postpartum sex. She had quite a complex and exhausting birth with her first baby, and other than planned sex to conceive their second baby, she and her husband had not had sex for pleasure since about six months into her first pregnancy four years earlier, because quite honestly, she didn’t want to.  

Words spilled out of everyone’s mouths as we all discussed, explored, and validated our own postpartum sex experiences, and I realised this is a topic that is rarely discussed but that many women were desperate to talk about. 

So, I went to my networks and asked if they would share their postpartum sex experiences and the responses flooded in. 

1. "I had a third-degree tear which left a very painful skin tag near my perineum. It really impeded us having sex again, and I also felt like everything internally had been tilted, so nothing felt the same anymore. My husband was great and there was no pressure from him at all. It’s three years later now, and we have learnt what works."

2. "We started having sex again four weeks after each birth – I don’t remember a six-week check-up, but I assume I had one. There was no pressure from my partner, and no issues."

3. "My ex was horrendous about 'getting back' to having sex after I had my first with him. A week after I gave birth, he was asking when we’d be having sex again, and when I said I wasn’t ready and wouldn’t be for a few weeks, he said he wanted blow jobs from me or he’d look elsewhere. Yeah, there’s a reason I left him. I have re-partnered and my current partner was an absolute beacon of support, patience and kindness (as he should’ve been) when I had my second with him. I can’t actually remember when we started having sex again. It just happened when I was ready and we were both keen."

4. "Our sex life has only gone back to what I suppose we’d consider 'normal' eight years are having our first, and 18 months after our third. My libido only really came back with more sleep, and I think birth control really suppressed things for me, so I saw a big change once my husband had a vasectomy."

5. "It’s been about a year and a half since I had our son and we’ve just started to have a sex life again. To be honest, my feelings about it are up and down. My partner is a woman, and I unexpectedly felt a lot of resentment towards her that she didn’t have to go through all the body changes and discomfort I did. We had always both been really fit and into exercise and it took me 12 months to be able to run again, which really annoyed me. I didn’t feel attractive, and I didn’t really want her touching my body, particularly my boobs. I’m still funny about boobs as I only recently stopped breastfeeding."

6. "My partner is FIFO, and he was due to head back to work just before my six-week check-up, so I moved it to five-weeks and we got back to business after I got the all clear. Fortunately, it felt like normal. There was zero pressure from my partner, but we both needed that level of intimacy before he went away again for a month."

7. "It’s my husband who is funny about sex now, which is so hard. It’s six months since I had our twins and I would love for us to be intimate again, but even though we cuddle and kiss a bit, he always says he’s too tired, or has things he needs to catch up on when we start to get a bit steamier. I’ve tried to talk to him about it to no avail. I’m quite worried he doesn’t find me attractive anymore or only thinks of me as a mother. He’s promised there is no one else, and I’ve said I think we need to see a counsellor soon."

8. "I’m currently four months postpartum and yet to get 'back on the horse'. It’s so much worse than I expected. My male obstetrician told my husband after two weeks postpartum to make sure we were using condoms. He didn’t mention that sex now might be painful, or it may take me quite a while to be emotionally ready. I so wish there was more warning about what a big deal this would be." 

9. "I had a c-section but was still terrified about having sex after birth. We had sex basically as soon as we got home from the six-week check-up. I’m not sure if it was my fear, or the fact that I had a pap smear at the check-up, but the sex was very painful. But after that first time, it’s been great. I felt no pressure from my partner, but I know he was very excited to be intimate again, as was I. We don’t have sex nearly as much as we did pre-baby, but when we do it feels more special, and I love it."

10. "It’s been five years since I had my last child and to be honest, I couldn’t care less if we ever have sex again. I’ve never been that into sex and since having my babies, it’s like any drive I ever had has gone. Plus, we’re just so busy, there are so many other things I’d rather do with my time. My husband and I are still all good as a partnership, we parent well together, we cuddle in bed and watch shows together, we hold hands when we go out together, but sex is just not a priority. We’ve talked about it and he’s not worried, so neither am I."

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11. "We had sex three-weeks postpartum driven by me – I mean, it took me about two seconds to convince my partner. I checked with my midwife, and she explained that the stitches had dissolved, so if I felt comfortable and we used lube, we could go for it. We started making time for sex every Tuesday night from then on. I really looked forward to it. It helped me with my insecurities about my post-baby body, and supported us staying connected as a couple, which is not easy with little people around!"

12. "My husband I had sex again about six months postpartum after months of feeling disconnected from each other. The pain of birth, a tear, the exhaustion of feeding the baby and a bladder prolapse meant that sex was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I was petrified of it. He was incredibly respectful of this - I think he knew I would suggest it when I was ready. But we also kept an open dialogue about it and made jokes so that it wouldn’t become taboo. Sex has often been painful for me, but I was pleasantly surprised that our first time was pain free."

13. "I had my son 22 years ago, and the advice was to wait six weeks. My husband always had a high sex drive and six weeks was too long for him, so I felt very pressured – I didn’t want to do anything. He said we could do other things, but it always led to wanting penis in vagina sex. I gave in at around four weeks. It was painful; and I hated it. I think this was one of the reasons that ultimately led me to ending our marriage when my son was around nine months old."

14. "I tore severely during birth so it took a bit longer than six weeks for me to feel ready for sex again. I struggled mentally with the thought of it, worried it would cause pain, and it took me more than a few goes to get into the swing of things again. I was also breastfeeding and felt like my body wasn’t my own, and my boobs did not feel sexual anymore – if they were touched, it totally weirded me out. We’re back to normal now, but it took a while."

15. "I’m four months postpartum and still too scared to have sex. My partner brought it up with me recently but between the baby, breastfeeding, sleep deprivation, and how different my body feels it is just not on the cards for me yet. I think I am a bit traumatised by the birth and not ready to think about more children. I was basically chasing my partner around throughout my pregnancy and he was barely interested, so he can wait until I’m ready now – we’ll find an equilibrium again." 

Feature Image: Getty