What do you call a penis?

BY KATIE ‘MONTY’ DIMOND

I have never had to deal with the male anatomy on a daily basis. However five months ago that all changed when I bore my first baby boy. Obviously he was born with boy ‘bits’ and until he can attend to them himself, they are my responsibility. This leads straight to the question my boyfriend and I are currently pondering. What should we refer to his ‘bits’ as?

There are two sides of the fence with this topic, one being to refer to the body parts in their clinical term, eg Penis and Vagina. The other side being to give them a cutsie name eg: ‘Binky Wanga-Wang’ and ‘Woo Woo’. To be honest, I’m perched right on top of the pickets when it comes to naming the thing that resides in my child’s nappy. I don’t want to sound like a Biology Teacher when potty training him, but nor do I want him to think he has a Disney character living in his undies.

If anyone were to hack into my computer, my recent Google history could quite possibly have me sent straight to the slammer. My searches include ‘baby penis names’, ‘cute names for genitals’ and ‘what should you call a babies penis?’ Why didn’t Tizzy Hall tackle this important topic?

After extensive research on parenting forums, and a very interesting conversation with my mother friends, I have compiled a list of some of the more commonly used names to refer to a baby boy’s genitalia.

Winky Tinky- Isn’t this a Telly Tubby??

‘Wee Wee’- If my son happens to make friends with a lovely French girl at school this could get awkward.

‘Wing Wang’- I’m familiar with calling a Penis a ‘Wang’, but have never heard ‘Wing’ added to the front of it. This sounds like it could be a Superheroes’ name complete with a bold ‘WW’ written across his chest.

‘Weenie Peenie’- I’m not sure if any male, even a five month old, wants the word ‘Weenie’ anywhere near his penis.  This would be sure to create a complex later in life.

Doodie – This sounds like something you step in on an American holiday.

Mr Noodle – I’m not sure who Mr Noodle is but I don’t want him any wear near my son at bath time.

Little Johnson – Yuk!

Pecker- A ‘Pecker’ is a technical term for a bird’s bill.  How did something so innocent and non-phallic make its way into a child’s pants?

Dicky Bird – This makes me think of Richard Wilkins.

Ding-a-ling – My sister and I used this term to refer to my brother’s ‘bits’ when he was a baby. He is now 21 and may never speak to me again. If his band mates or footy coach happen to read this, I am very sorry.

After saying each out loud several times, (which I whole heartedly invite you to do…in private!) I just don’t think I can bring myself to say any of them seriously. I don’t want to crack up in my child face every time I change his nappy or give him a bath, the little thing will grow up needing therapy from it.

So after much contemplation I have come to my decision. Drum Roll Please….. The winner is…Penis! Simple, straight to the point, and although it makes me giggle a little, I’m sure the novelty will soon wear off.

Katie “Monty” Dimond is a broadcaster and media personality. She has appeared on Channel Ten, Channel Nine, and Nova FM. She is currently busy being a full time Mum and loving it! You can (and should) follow her on Twitter here. You should also like her Facebook page which you can find here.

What do you call a penis? Do you have different names for adult ones and children’s one?