Your response to 'bids' could make or break your relationship.

Do you look up from your phone when your partner walks into the room? 

Do you finish what you’re doing before saying hi?

When you ask them what they're thinking for dinner, do they respond, or simply shrug?

Do you ask them about their day, or tell them about the book you’re currently reading? Do they send you memes throughout the day, or touch your arm as they walk by? 

Your answers could determine the success or failure of your relationship, according to experts.

Watch: How To Deal With Toxic People. Post continues after the video.

These seemingly insignificant interactions are called relationship bids, and according to Drs John and Julie Gottman of the Gottman Institute, they are critical to forging — or destroying — meaningful connections.

But they can be difficult to spot, often hidden in the daily grind of life — in those mundane exchanges of dialogue which makes them easy to miss and consequently, ignore.

"They are foundational, so so important. They are code for: I want to connect," explains relationship counsellor Susan De Campo. 

For some, so caught up in the business of life, they forget to make bids altogether. But whether you fail to bid, or ignore your partner’s bid, you're essentially shutting down opportunities to connect, and according to the experts, that can be detrimental to your relationship. 

A Gottman Institute study examined the relationships of a group of couples six years after their weddings. On average, those that stayed married responded positively to relationship bids 86 per cent of the time. Couples that divorced turned towards their partner’s bids just 33 per cent of the time. 

What are relationship bids?

Essentially, a relationship bid is any attempt from one partner to another to achieve connection, attention, affirmation or affection. But they’re subtle and varied, making them difficult to spot. They could come in the form of a smile or hug. Or an attempt at conversation or request for advice. 

"A really easy one is when someone gets home from work and the other person asks, 'How was your day?'" explains De Campo.

"One guy said to me, 'I don't know why she asks that — she couldn't care less about what I did.'

"I had to explain that the question was code for: 'Hello, you're home, can we connect?'

"Another example is, 'What do you feel like for dinner?' This is code for: I'd like to share the mental load of simple decisions and give you the opportunity to contribute and have input, because it leads to us being relational.'

'Another example — 'Do you want to watch that taped episode of Muster Dogs?' That's code for, 'I know we both enjoy this show, the kids love it too, and when we chat about it at dinner tomorrow night. It's a point of connection/common ground for us all.'"

Listen to Jessie, Holly and Mia discuss bids on MMOL. Post continues after podcast.

Responding to bids. 

There are three ways you can respond to a relationship bid: turning towards, turning away, and turning against. 

Turning towards. 

Put simply, turning towards a bid is responding to it in a conscious and positive way. To do that though, you have to recognise it, and respond both to the bid itself, and the subtext behind the bid, says De Campo. 

For example, if your partner asks you what you feel like for dinner, you might say something like: "I'm not sure what I feel like. We haven't had salmon in a while, would you like me to pick it up on the way home and I could bake it with ginger and shallots, how does that sound."

"The message here is, 'You would like me to be included in some of the daily grind and I am happy to demonstrate my willingness to do that,'" explains De Campo.

Turning against. 

When you turn against a bid, you respond to it, but in a negative way.

"Some people get irritated by them and give a poor reaction," says De Campo, citing the previous example, where the male partner didn't understand why his partner was asking about his day. 

"He would snap back, 'You don't really give a sh*t about my day, so why would you ask?'

"Talk about a way to shut down connection, and the rest of the evening is then tainted."

Turning away. 

According to the Gottman Institute, turning away from a bid is the most damaging response. 

That's because you're effectively demonstrating indifference, which leaves no room to heal. Turning against, while unpleasant, provides an opportunity to engage and repair; however, missing a bid entirely can have a long-term impact, such as prompting the person to seek bids elsewhere.

De Campo says turning away from bids leads to not only a loss of connection, but a buildup of resentment.

"The relationship is not nurtured. When your average house plant is not nurtured, see what happens."

At the end of the day, De Campo says, it doesn't matter what the bid looks like — what matters is that a bid is made, and that it’s responded to.

"It's the message that bids give that's important: 'I want to connect with you,'" she says.

"I think couples who understand the importance of 'paying attention' to their relationship are quite natural at bidding and responding in a way that gives their partner the message that they have noticed the bid.

"Typically, they come from a family of origin where their own bidding for connection was noticed and met. If you did not experience this in your family of origin, then bidding is something you will need to be taught."

Feature image: Getty.