We've got relationship 'red flags' all wrong.

What's your first instinct when you discover a red flag in a potential partner? Run? Block them? Even ghost? That's what the memes, media articles and TikTok clips usually advise.

But is that the best approach?

According to behavioural psychologist Dr Ali Fenwick, the answer is often no. He argues that our determination to dodge bad relationships means we risk losing vital social skills that can help us form successful ones.

Speaking to Mamamia's No Filter podcast, Dr Fenwick, who is a professor of organisational behaviour and innovation at the Hult International Business School, said, "When something doesn't go right with a person that we're dating at the moment, we get rid of them. 'Oh it's too much drama, so I'll just move on to somebody else.' I think that's one of the major reasons why people are finding it much harder to date in today's world."

He believes that by running away from challenging relationship situations, we end up in a vicious cycle.

"Eventually you get so used to switching partners that it's much harder to build more sustainable relationships," he said.

So where has this phenomenon come from, and what's the solution?

A "scary development".

In recent years there's been a boom in content on traditional and social media about red flags in relationships and how to avoid them. You will likely have seen headlines like, "10 things that happen on a first date that are red flags", or "Dating red flags older adults ignored when they were younger". Even this recent one: "Olivia Rodrigo says men wanting to go to space is a red flag."

According to Dr Fenwick, the proliferation of content about red flags has emerged hand-in-hand with online dating. And little wonder. Those websites and apps are built on quick decision-making. Swipe left, swipe right. Not 100 per cent sure about your match? Never mind, there are hundreds of others waiting. 

When interactions are that fleeting and superficial, a simple checklist to weed out the duds can feel reassuring. 

Watch: Relationship red flags. Post continues after video.

"Since then, it's gone from the dating world into other social domains. For example, work life, family and friends, romance and marriage," Dr Fenwick said. "And people very much enjoy that; again, just because they want to have quick and easy answers to the dilemmas that they deal with in their lives."

Handy, sure. Problematic? Absolutely, Dr Fenwick argues. After all, we all carry some red flags within us. If we can't develop an ability to look deeper, to think more critically about them, then we risk isolating ourselves even further.

"We're so much more focused on the pleasure and not on the completeness of being with somebody else. And then when that comes out — and it eventually does in every relationship — then people get afraid and they don't know what to do, and then again that pushes them away."

Dr Fenwick describes it as a "scary development".

"People are so easy to let go of people nowadays," he said, "and human relationships are the cornerstone of our health, of our mental wellbeing, of our success in life."

That's why his book, "Red Flags, Green Flags: Modern Psychology for Everyday Drama", calls for a more considered approach to dealing with such traits and behaviours. It offers examples of 24 common red flags in relationships (with family, friends, lovers and coworkers) and a blueprint for engaging with people who wave them — think parents who meddle in their children's lives, micro-managing bosses and people who only date younger partners.

Of course, it's important to stress that there are clear-cut red flags, ones that signal danger — for example, any behaviour involving abuse, violence, harassment, or neglect. In those instances, it's typically advisable to remove yourself from the relationship as soon as you can safely do so. Lean on trusted family and friends, formal support services and/or the authorities to guide you.

Otherwise, Dr Fenwick writes in his book, "red flags come in various shades of red", so it's worth taking the time to interpret them well. He suggests thinking of "red" as an acronym. Reflect. Engage. Decide.

If you take a moment to pause and interrogate the behaviour, you may realise that it's negatively impacting your well-being and it's time to distance yourself. Or you may realise it's not something you need to run away from after all. Perhaps your eagerness to see it as a red flag even reveals something important about yourself.

"You can start to engage with it to figure out either 'Is this truly a red flag that I'm seeing in somebody else?' or [ask yourself] 'Why am I getting so triggered about it? Why do I see this in this other person?'" Dr Fenwick said.

"If you really reflect and become more introspective, you might see that it might have to do with something from your past, or it's something that's inside of you and not in the other person."

One example he uses in his book is when a partner proposes an open relationship. 

There are scenarios where this can be a red flag. For example, if one partner pressures another into it, or if they ignore the agreements made about how the open relationship would operate. But it can also be a green flag. For example, if the partner refuses and they accept that refusal with understanding and respect. Or if the couple jointly decides to try it, and they do so with open communication and care for each others' needs.

Listen: When The 'Red Flag' Isn't About Them, It's About You. Post continues after podcast.

Dr Fenwick delves into the common motivations for proposing an open relationship, examples of when you should consider staying or leaving, and suggestions of what to say to your partner in each scenario.

"I'm trying to open up that conversation in a way that can help people to navigate that discussion and it not just be black and white," he said.

It is not a matter of excusing unhealthy traits or behaviour; it's about properly identifying them in someone or ourselves and dealing with them in a considered way. 

"I wanted to provide people with a process to slow down their thinking and to be more mindful and reflective on why they do the things they do, so that they can not only make the right decisions in the moment, but also can be more reflective about their behaviours and hopefully lead to better decision making in the process," he said.

It may sound like a lot of uncomfortable work — especially compared to following a red-flag checklist you screenshotted from social media. But Dr Fenwick argues that it will get easier with practice. It's a matter of training your brain to think differently. 

He writes, "The more you learn how to deal with red flags, the better you will be at recognising behaviours that need to be addressed and the more you will improve your abilities to deal with difficult situations effectively… before you know it, it becomes second nature."

It also provides a better foundation for the relationship to develop in a healthy way.

"I often like to say that when we fall in love, we should be mindful of not [only] falling in love with the good things about people, but we also need to fall in love with people's developmental spaces as well," he said. "Part of being in a long-term relationship is also helping each other to heal in that perspective, to build trust and to learn again."

Feature Image: Getty.