14 sex tips we reeeeeally don’t recommend following.

I used to love the sealed sections in magazines. They just provided the most handy tips (lol puns) for every inexperienced teen out there of what to expect when you finally became old enough to be doing the deed. It’s only when you grow up a little that you realise the advice you’re being given is probably not all that… correct. It can get a little weird. Oh who are we kidding, it can get really f*cking bizarre.

As one male has told me, any sex advice you read in Cosmo… “Seriously, just don’t f*cking do it.”

For your enjoyment, here’s some of the weirder (or just plain stupid) sex tips that have made their way into our conscious.

1) “Lift his arm and lick the bottom part of his armpit, where it connects with his chest.”

2) “Slip on cashmere gloves and stroke his member.”

Oh yeah no worries, now that we are partially or fully naked, let me just whip out my beautiful cashmere gloves I keep handy (no pun intended this time) and start stroking, because we can all afford cashmere gloves and obviously the sole purpose of them is to stroke a penis with them.

3) “Softly bite the skin of his scrotum.”

I’m sorry, I just feel 99.9 per cent of the time any sentence that uses the word bite and scrotum will just end badly.

4) “Give a hand job, like you’re shaking hands with the President.” 

So what, firm, sweaty and pump it up and down enthusiastically? Or if you imagine shaking hands with our PM Tony Abbott, maybe with an extremely tight grip and a semi-crazed look in your eyes that says ‘Yes, I’m trying to hurt you.’

5) “Hum and sing while giving him oral. The vibrations will send him crazy.”

Any song suggestions? A bit of 1D? Pony by Ginuwine? Want me to also do a dance at the same time because doing all those things at once is so possible?

6) “If you hair is long enough, lightly drag it over his penis and testicles, all the way up his chest and back down.” 

Me and my long hair are coming for ya.

7) “Rub a warm washcloth over his package, then swaddle his testicles in it.”

SWADDLE? Are his testicles a baby now?!

8) “Tell him ‘I’m excited.’”

9) “Heat up a water bottle, and roll it back and forth over his mound.” 

Yeah and after that, how about you heat up my straightener and insert it for some more hot pleasure.

10) “Put his penis under your arm to get him hard.”

IT’S THE ONLY WAY, LADIES.

11) “Dip your breasts in edible body paint, and use them to ‘sponge paint’ his entire body. Then lick it off.”

Because trying to paint an entire body with your boobs would be super easy and not look stupid.

12) “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue.”

Didn’t you hear the latest trend is nip-jazzling? Your man totally won’t think it’s weird if he whips your bra off and your two nipples surrounded by fake rhinestones, pop out.

13) “Give him a beer facial – the combination of the egg white and yeast hydrates and improves skin elasticity.”

‘Hey babe, now that we’re in the mood, let me go whip up some egg whites and beer and pour it on your face, BRB.’

14) “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other…like you’re volleying a tennis ball.”

Forget just using your hand… add a tennis racquet for extra pleasure to get him really excited.

Tahlia Pritchard is a freelance writer and social media addict. When she’s not writing copy for designer handbags she’ll never be able to afford, she’s working away at her blog BULLSH!T. You can follow her on twitter here for more inane ramblings.