'Interpretating' art and a dark, dark secret: This week's Bachelor recap.

By ROSIE WATERLAND

OMG you guys we are so lucky – this week’s episode not only opens with Tim jogging/thinking about life on the beach but ALSO with him shaving AND picking out a shirt. He’s so versatile.

And now he’s standing on the balcony looking out to the horizon. We know he’s thinking about love and relationships because there’s water in the background. Oh wait! A voice-over is telling us what he’s thinking. Sounds like he’s working through some complex Osher-level maths:

“Now that there are five girls left, it’s so different from when there were 25.”

Mmmm. Yes, that’s true. Different numbers ARE different. Wait! More insight is coming: “There’s five girls. And I’ve got only four roses to hand out.”

That means a certain number of girls are going home but we’ll wait for Osher to solve that riddle.

Katherine is worried that she’ll be the one going home because she hasn’t spent enough time with him. Everyone else is worried that they’re losing their minds because they have no idea who she is.

The girls are just trying to figure out a way to kick this strange woman out of the house when Osher arrives. He confirms the maths Tim was struggling with: We started with 25 girls. There’s 5 girls left. That means 20 have gone. There’s only 4 roses tonight. That means… 1 GIRL WILL GO TONIGHT.

Apparently the single date tonight is really important, so everyone is a little confused when it goes to Katherine, the strange woman nobody has seen before. She insists she’s been on a one-on-one with him, but I’m not convinced Ali hasn’t possessed the body of some poor random off the street so she can double her chances at the prize. That, or Penny sold her cats, got some serious plastic surgery and snuck back in.

Tim picks her up in a limo. This is confusing. Where is the sea plane and/or helicopter? They had better be driving to a catamaran or I just don’t know who he is anymore. Katherine starts talking about the time Tim took her back to ‘his’ house and cooked her dinner. Hold on… We’re getting a flashback…

Oh holy Jus. Katherine is the jus girl! I may not remember her but I definitely remember the great jus incident of episode four. Maybe she didn’t sneak in after all. Jus. Jus jus jus.

Sigh this is boring. No wonder the editors have cut her out of the entire show so far. Words words words Tim wants to get to know her words words. She just seems shocked that she’s even there.

They arrive in a dark paddock in the middle of nowhere. Hmmm – a dark paddock, nobody around and a getaway car? Does anyone else feel like this has Ali written all over it?

Tim walks Katherine over to a switch and tells her it will turn something on. Cute – he understands switches!

Annnnd it’s an amusement park. An empty amusement park. In the middle of a paddock. Because ROMANCE.

Something about dodgem cars fills Katherine with overwhelming love: “I felt so special that Tim had gone to all that effort,” she says. Yeah – he was definitely was out there all day assembling each ride with an allen key he got from IKEA.

A cutaway to Tim reveals this bombshell: “Are my feelings growing stronger? I’m not sure at this moment.”

Yeah she’s a goner. Can we just cut back to the house and follow Ali around for the next 30 minutes?

Nope – Tim’s still got a few questions to ask. Like who she is and if they’ve ever met before. They snuggle up on his magic two-seater (a hay-version this evening) and we’re subjected to more words from this Katherine person. The only entertaining part of this conversation is watching Tim’s face as he tries to silently figure out if they’ve kissed and/or met before.

He doesn’t give her the rose, but doesn’t want to send her home empty handed so gives her a giant stuffed elephant and donkey instead. Because DIGNITY.

This week’s group date is at an art gallery. Tim does a good job of reading the intern-written date-related pun: “I want to see deeper into what has sculpted their personalities.”

“Tim said we were going to be interpretating art,” Danni says. That was not a typo.

Osher’s here! That means something is happening that has too many words for Tim to be able to explain. Apparently there’s a surprise upstairs and Tim has to take each of the girls up one by one to see it. I really want the ‘surprise’ to be some kind of sex thing. Making ‘art’ on a bed maybe?

Booooo. That’s not it. It’s just a room filled with stuff from their childhoods. Giggle giggle giggle how embarrassment giggle giggle.

I guess with only a few weeks left the best way for Tim to really get to know the girls is to stuff a lifetime of memories into one room so he can assess them in under ten minutes.

Tim’s satisfied with everybody’s past until we get to Rochelle. Turns out she has a really, really dark past. She’s hidden something from him and he’s just not sure if he can forgive her. How could he not have noticed such an awful person in his midst?

“It feels like she’s hidden this whole side of herself. Like she’s got a secret life. And I started wondering what other surprises there might be,” he says.

Jesus. Did she kill someone? Was she part of an elaborate crime-ring? Did she grow up – gulp – in a family that didn’t like boats?

WORSE. She was in pageants, you guys. Pageants. HOW VERY DARE SHE?

The date comes to an abrupt end. Tim just feels too betrayed by all of Rochelle’s lies. Because HOW COULD SHE?

He needs to do some serious balcony thinking.

At the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, Rochelle is finally figuring out how the game works. “It’s really tense at the rose ceremony tonight,” she says. “Everyone knows somebody’s going home. And no one really know who it is.”

Tim arrives and decides to talk to each of the five girls on his two-seater – job interview style.

First up is Ali. Tim basically says that he’s worried she’s too obsessed with him. She replies by continuing to be obsessed with him. He asks her to name one thing that’s wrong with him. Her brain malfunctions and blood slowly seeps out of one of her ears, as she tries to say the words ‘Tim’ and ‘Imperfection’ in the same sentence.

He brings Katherine out. Still looks confused about who she is.

Finally it’s Rochelle’s turn. He needs more information about this whole ‘beauty pageant’ thing. Did it, or did it not, involve murder? How can he ever trust anything she ever says about anything ever again ever?

She tells him she suffered from anxiety and the pageants just helped her with her confidence.
Cut to Tim. He thinks he can deal with the pageant thing but…

“She’s been through anxiety. And I wonder if there’s still a lot of unresolved issues there and whether that could affect a future relationship between us.”

Wow. I have no joke here: What a douche.

Osher’s back. He explains where the game is at. Either Anna, Ali, Rochelle, Danni or random lady Katherine will be going home.

Random lady goes home. Shocker. He takes her out for a chat to ‘explain’. And by ‘explain’ he means he’s going to tell her something other than “The only reason you got this far is because I thought you were one of the producers.”

She cries.

This episode felt short. And boring. I guess that’s what happens when the whole thing is based around Karen. I mean Carol. I mean… Gah.

Next week will be better: Tim meets all the parents and hilarity ensues! We’re closing in on the finish line, you guys…

Who do you think has it in the bag?

Missed a recap? Here they are:

Week 9

Week 8

Week 7

Week 6

Week 5

Week 4

Week 3

Week 2

Week 1

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