Your emotional support water bottle tells me everything I need to know about you.

I can’t remember ever owning a water bottle as a child.

In fact, I can’t remember ever really…drinking water. 

Sure, there were water-adjacent drinks like cordial and milk. 

And there was juice. So much bloody juice. 

I chugged that stuff down by the gallon because my parents’ generation were told fruit was good for us in any form - even if it was concentrated down to pure sugar. 

I can still taste those Golden Pash poppas now. 

But somewhere along the line - perhaps because we’d surreptitiously denied ourselves of H20 for the first half of our lives - most millennials became obsessed with being hydrated. 

Enter the emotional support water bottle.

Drink bottles are now more than a means of staying hydrated. 

They’re a fashion statement. 

They’re a prized possession. 

They’re a security blanket for meetings, shopping trips and hot girl walks. 

I once even had a friend lug her two-litre monstrosities to a bar - a place famous for providing fluids in any form you like - and plonking it right there on the table next to…you guessed it…the jug of water provided at said bar.

And I am convinced that the vessel you use to drink your water says a lot more about you than you probably realise.

My thoughts are final…

Stanley Cup.

Image: Stanley

You love keeping up with the latest trends and aren't afraid to literally go big or go home. 

You’re also a Type A perfectionist who thought carrying around enough water to keep you alive for a month would be your key to happiness. And it is to a certain extent, but it also makes you pee every 20 minutes. 

You spend most of your free time on TikTok. 

You also love true crime podcasts and chose this bottle because it could double as a weapon if the situation ever called for it. 

Frank Green.

Image: Frank Green.

You treat your water bottle with the same love and care as you would a designer bag. 

But it must be known there are two distinct types of Frank Green owners.

People who were gifted one, and people who spent at least an hour deciding which colour they wanted and are still planning on buying another one because the one they have doesn’t match all their outfits. You know who you are. 

You use Girl Math to justify every purchase you make. 

You’d also be susceptible to joining a cult if they caught you at the right moment. 

A promotional bottle you were given by your bank or gym. 

You have never thrown out a single free thing you’ve been given in your entire life. 

You likely have a draw full of old iPhone boxes you’re keeping “just in case”. 

You’re not fussed about how people view you and are a busy woman who doesn’t have time to waste choosing a drink bottle that matches your aesthetic…but you do have a Frank Green bottle on your Christmas wish list.

A Kmart dupe.

Image: Kmart

You keep up with the trends but you’re a thrifty girly. 

You get a hit of dopamine every time you tell someone what a bargain your water bottle was. 

You are also extremely forgetful and don’t trust yourself to keep track of a $60 water vessel - which is completely valid. 

A plastic bottle you bought at the shop a few weeks ago and keep refilling.

I can practically hear the crunchiness of your bottle just thinking about it.  

You prefer using a disposable bottle because then you don’t have to go through the faff of cleaning it. 

Your home is immaculate, but your work desk is a complete disaster.  

Consider this your intervention and your sign to invest in one of the bottles above - stat! 

A random glass that you take back and forth from the kitchen.

Hydration is not your passion. 

Nor is commitment. 

You can’t decide on an outfit in the morning let alone what drink bottle could define your entire personality.

You’re also probably deeply dehydrated.

Yeti.

Image: YETI 

You like your water really cold. Like, basically frozen. 

And you tell everyone who will listen that your water is still cold at the end of the day. 

You also plan on going on more hikes and taking up running…but that hasn’t happened yet and if you’re really honest with yourself, never will. Because you like being indoors too much. 

(Note: I have one of these on my Christmas wishlist and plan to be this exact person.) 

Feature Image: Stanley/Frank Green.