DIARY OF A BIRTH: 'When I found out I was pregnant again, I couldn't stop sobbing.'

Ever found yourself replaying a traumatic experience over and over in your mind? For mum Rikki, those hospital beeps, the panic, and the pain of not being able to hold her newborn haunted her for years after an emergency caesarean at just 28 weeks.

But this isn't just another scary birth story. This is about healing. About taking back control and finding your purpose.

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Picture this: You're only 28 weeks pregnant when suddenly, your waters break. For Rikki, what followed was every mum's nightmare.

"They explained that he is very likely to not be breathing when he comes out, that I wouldn't be able to hold him, that I would not be able to see him straight away," she told Mamamia's Diary of a Birth.

Instead of those precious first cuddles, little Henry was whisked away to NICU. And the nightmare wasn't over.

"We also found out the next day that we'd nearly lost him on the first night," Rikki said. "It was confronting."

While Henry grew into what she now describes as an "incredibly healthy, strong boy," the emotional scars lingered. Because that's what birth trauma does — it stays with you.

Rikki and Henry with little Lilly. Image: Supplied.

The fear that follows.

Five years later, two lines on a pregnancy test appeared and changed everything.

"That anxiety carries with you if you're ever thinking about having more children," Rikki said.

When she found out she was pregnant with her new partner, Rikki broke down sobbing. Her mind raced with worries as she was filled with a mix of emotions.

"I wasn't prepared to have another one at that point," she said.

Rikki's past trauma crept its way to the front of her mind, and she couldn't help but wonder, "What if there are complications like the last one?"

"I still hear all the beeps from NICU, and I still remember everything that I'd gone through with Henry, so you absolutely replay it all over in your head again."

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Instead of letting her fear win, Rikki decided to take back control.

"I decided to really educate myself more so this time about what I wanted my birth to look like and just have something to aspire to," she said.

With her husband's incredible support came the game-changer: a doula named Nadine.

"My now husband and I, when we fell pregnant and we were talking about, you know, my fears around that birth, he said to me, 'Let's hire a doula'," she recalled.

Having Nadine by her side felt like "having a sister in your corner as well as your partner." And honestly, who doesn't need that kind of backup when you're facing your biggest fear?

Rikki's healing birth.

This time, Rikki was determined to pursue a vaginal birth after caesarean (VBAC). When her waters broke at just over 37 weeks, the pressure was on to book another C-section. However, with Nadine's encouragement, she decided to wait and see if labour would begin naturally.

"I was willing to pivot my plan, but I wanted to know that I'd walked away giving it everything I could," Rikki said.

Clock ticking, she found herself at a crossroads.

"I had till 6pm that night to have my baby, or they were booking me in for a cesarean," she said. "Nothing. I had absolutely no contractions."

But sometimes, the universe delivers exactly what you need. In walked an obstetrician who believed in her VBAC dream just as much as she did. With a gentle induction, everything changed.

"He really wanted me to have that VBAC, just as much as I did," she said.

"When I had the oxytocin, I realised that it was happening so quickly... it was fast and furious from the moment that drip went in."

Rikki and her husband. Image: Supplied.

And then, in just three and a half hours, magic happened. Little Lilly was born.

"When she came out, I got to catch her... and I was just so happy. It was amazing. It was the best experience. I'd do it again," Rikki recalled.

The VBAC was more than just a birth experience for Rikki; it was a deeply healing and transformative event.

"I really wanted to be able to see if my body could do it," she said. "I feel like I've carried that with me all the way through now. It's changed me as a person. It's made me realise I can really do anything."

Rikki in hospital with newborn Lilly. Image: Supplied.

Turning pain into purpose.

Lilly's birth gave Rikki a new purpose. She became a doula herself, opening The Doula Pod, focusing especially on supporting women through the postpartum period.

"My part of wanting to become a doula wasn't just around the birth, it was actually around supporting mothers in their postpartum," she explained.

What she discovered was heartbreaking but not surprising: so many women are carrying birth trauma in silence.

"I've had many clients who've had first-time traumatic births, and I think it's really important to really talk about it," she said.

"They hold it in and they carry it and it's like a dead weight on their body. It's something that needs to come out, whether that's with therapy, whether that's with your partner. You can even hire people like a doula who will just do birth debriefs."

Through knowledge, support, and the courage to advocate for her own choices, Rikki didn't just have another baby — she reclaimed her power. And she wants every woman to have that same chance, no matter how they wish to give birth.

For more Diary of a Birth stories, visit here.

Feature image: Supplied.