Once you read this, you'll never want to take your phone into the toilet again.

Over-sharing alert: I find using a public toilet to be a traumatic experience.

The minute I walk in I am in a weakened emotional state. I don’t want to have to touch the seat, I don’t like to have to smell the person who has gone before me and I certainly don’t want to hear other people doing their business. I prefers to do my business with a home ground advantage. ‘Away pooing’ terrifies me.

Today I was forced to use a public toilet, I held on for as long as medical advised. My bladder was threatening to take a restraining order out against me if I didn’t relieve it.

As I sat down and began the ritual of rolling out a meter of toilet paper to muffle the sound of my weeing (why do we do that ladies?! Why? I do it. You probably do it. Why is the thought of other people hearing our urine stream so terrifying?!)
I noticed there was an intense conversation happening next door. The lady in the stall next to me was ON HER PHONE and going to turd town at the same time! How could I possibly know that? Lets just say every third word was elongated and slightly higher than the rest.

Friends, let me make one thing clear: you do not need to take your phone into the toilet.

Take some alone time y’all, three minutes, five if you need more fibre in your diet. Surely you can be without Twitter, Facebook, Instagram and flappy bird for that short amount of time?!

Location: Air force One

“Sir please don’t go anywhere, we may need the nuclear launch codes.”

“But I really need to go to the toilet, I mean it, I’m touching cloth here.”

“Mr President! Ok, take this phone with you into the toilet. If we need you, we’ll call.”

I did some intense poosearch, and what I found was disturbing. Yes, even more disturbing that fusing the words poo and research. Say it with me friends: FECAL MATTER. Yep, 16% of all phones already have poo particles on them. That number increases if you actually take them in there with you.

Also, it is just not practical to hold a phone and wipe your bum. How do you even manage that toilet talkers?! I bet you have lost at least one phone down in the white porcelain abyss.

Back to the public toilet talkers. If you are in a stall next to me, on the phone, I don’t want there to be the potential for a third party to hear my back end business! Who are you people?! WHO?

I can’t even.

Just put it away please.

In summary: No just no all the no, no.

We have two questions for you. 1) How do you feel about public toilets? 2) What’s your toilet-phone policy?