These cool foods taste like rubbish and it's time someone said so.

If you’re not familiar with Hans Christian Andersen‘s The Emperor’s New Clothes, here’s are really quick reminder:

Two weavers promise the Emperor a new suit that is invisible to those who are stupid, or incompetent and, therefore, unfit for their positions. When the Emperor moseys on down the street in a big parade before his subjects, no one dares to point out that he is, in fact, starkers, until one child cries out, “But he isn’t wearing anything at all!”

For the purposes of this article, we are that kid, the one calling bullshit on those “amazing” and oh-so-bloody-trendy superfoods and overpriced goodies.

For example:

Goats cheese

I personally call bullshit on this mouldy cheese delicacy. Goats cheese is exactly how I imagine dirty foot tastes. Everyone out there who is pretending it tastes good on their pizzas, or squeals with delight when they find it buried in their salad must either have a) lost their sense of taste or b) be lying.

Quince paste

Honestly, I just find it all a bit wanky ... quince paste is pretty much just glorified jam. And jam has no place on my cheese board.

Almond milk

I once heard a lady order an almond milk latte and then return it because it tasted too 'almond-y'. She, and people like her, are why we can't have nice things.

Blue vein cheese

This abomination is the most overrated cheese in the world. It tastes and smells like vomit. People are just pretending to like it because if you don't you look unsophisticated.

Kale

Jim Gaffigan describes Kale best. "Kale is a superfood and it's superpower is tasting bad". (Post continues after video)

Oysters

Oysters are disgusting and everybody secretly knows that.

“But oysters are an aphrodisiac!" I hear you cry. Wrong.

Oysters have a high level of zinc, which only staves off impotence. Know what else is high in zinc? Cooked mung beans. But you never hear about anyone getting it on after a big bowl of those babies, do you?

Tuna

Or, as it's should be known, cat food.

This stinks up more office communal kitchens than boiled eggs. It's okay people - you don't have to stop eating it for your health, but you can stop pretending to enjoy it.

Green smoothies

Come on... everyone knows a green smoothie pretty much tastes like fresh grass clippings peppered with petrified dog turd. No one is doubting these are good for you, but stop pretending they're delicious.

Caviar

Fish eggs. Roe. Whatever you want to call it, that's what you're (over) spending your hard earned cash on. I mean, have you guys even tasted garlic bread? Obviously not, because if you had you wouldn't even bother with this 'dish'.

Folks, this isn't an attack on healthy foods. It is an attack on pretension. Time to get real: most of these foods taste like the inside of a garbage can. They don't make you look cool or sophisticated.

How about you? Are there any foods you'd like to call out? Come on, this is a safe space.

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