'I'm pregnant for the first time and I really, truly didn’t expect these 10 things to happen.'

In case you missed me talking about it on You Beauty podcast every three seconds, I'm having a wee baby! It's all happening in just a couple of months, and I'm sure it'll be a total walk in the park. I jest, I jest.

Watch: Speaking babies and parenting — I had better brush up on my lunchboxes. What type of lunchbox parent are you? Post continues below.

Of course, I have to admit I've been incredibly lucky. Along with my lovely, attentive husband, I have a cavalry of wonderful people around me who've helped make my pregnancy journey pretty smooth sailing so far.

But goodness, there's so much I didn't expect. Like, SO much haha (help) ha.

Want to know exactly what I've been doing and how it's been going and all the things I wish I knew about pregnancy beforehand? I'm just going to arrogantly assume you do.

So, here's what I've learnt so far:

1. The ham ban.

Listen. NO LISTEN. Nine months is a very long time to not eat deli meat. I had no idea pregnant women were spending this long without eating delicious meats?? Insane stuff. I'll be throwing down an entire Subway Footlong post-birth. Just watch me. (Please don't x).

2. How much you'll miss retinol. (A LOT).

As a beauty editor, pretty much the only thing I really knew about being pregnant was that topical vitamin A would be off the cards. But sweet mercy — my skin MISSES it. Nothing works the same. And no matter how many brands will tell you, an ingredient is a "retinol alternative" that's "just as good if not better" — it's all fluff and there's nothing quite as good as the real stuff.

3. Learning to sleep on your side.

No, but it is just incredibly uncomfy learning to sleep on your side after 33 years of sleeping on your stomach. I am now a human rotisserie chicken, rotating every 20 minutes while my five maternity pillows do approximately nothing. And I get very minimal sleep. And don't get me started on the helpful souls who keep saying, "it's just preparing you for never sleeping again!".

Sir/madam, you're not helping.

(Also, baby, please. Sleep through the night. I beg you).

4. Your shoes suddenly don't fit.

Okay, but none of my shoes fit anymore? At all? Not a single pair. Is it the Sydney humidity making everything swollen? Have my feet randomly grown three sizes sizes? HARD TO SAY. But Birkenstocks are literally all that fit me right now, and they really don't look great with absolutely everything. Also, they offer zero support, and a pair of classic Easy Steps has honestly never looked more attractive.

5. The (lack of) ankles.

One day, I came home from work and noticed my ankle bones were gone, and they're currently still missing. It's concerning because I quite like them, and they tend to make my legs look like legs instead of columns, but in the meantime, I'll just keep propping them up and freaking out over the gross restricting feeling of compression socks.

6. The snack situation.

The other day, my husband went to Woolworths at 10pm to buy me a box of Monster Maxibons and chocolate milk. Yesterday, he picked me up from work with a packet of Nerds Clusters that I needed right then and there. Today, it's an entire Viennetta cake. The cravings have hit hard. Really keeps me on my (swollen) toes.

My most recent message.

7. Babies are expensive.

Ha! A budget? Eh, we'll work it out, I thought. And then we started paying for our appointments and our ultrasounds and blood tests, and it suddenly turns out approximately nothing is covered by Medicare and things get really expensive?? And I'm actually not that great at maths and numbers, but by my calculations, I'm pretty sure we'll be broke before we have a child??

8. You'll spend all of your free time doing baby stuff.

Being pregnant and planning for the arrival of a baby is like a second job. And I'm spending a disgusting amount of time inhaling a whole load of content on how to carry one/birth one/raise one.

Because it's so fun and pervy seeing what other people do (and don't do!). The birth plans! The expensive cots! To swaddle or not to swaddle! The best and most scientific way to burp! ALL the details.

But then, I'll find myself scrolling on my phone at 12:30pm, insatiably researching the best baby sock specifically made for the left foot, and look, it's becoming an issue.

9. You need to sign your foetus up for a daycare.

PSA: Apparently you need to sign your baby up for daycare before it's even fully formed — and I was acutely unaware of it.

Shout out to my lovely (also pregnant) colleague Gemma Bath for telling me she'd already applied for multiple centres at three months pregnant and had to wait 15 months to get in and… s**t. Don't worry, I'm not panicking! (I am).

10. Dressing yourself is hard.

Every morning I face the challenge of clothing myself and it's becoming a tricky dance. It was all going fine and then I "popped" and my boobs have gone up 17 sizes, my waist looks different (it's… gone) and nothing fits. Should the trousers go over the bump? Or under the bump? And if they go under, is it acceptable to show your tummy in an office? Because it's poking through my shirt.

I want to make sure I'm comfortable, but I also want to make sure I don't look like a bridge troll, and look — I'm finding it way more challenging than I thought. Mostly because it feels like there's not a lot going on when it comes to maternity wear if you're not into floral and flowy dresses or those jeans with stretchy waistbands. Also, I don't want to spend a bomb on a new wardrobe I'll only wear for five minutes.

So I've adopted a new strategy: If it fits and kind of works, wear it every day for three weeks straight.

But hey, while I'm living in the same three outfits, at least this baby has 300 adorable little outfits and tiny shoes it can't even walk in.

Thoughts? Feelings? Any advice? Share with me in the comment section below.

Feature image: Supplied.