"Why do I need a printer?!" 10 things I did not expect about motherhood.

Listen to this story being read by Laura Jackel, here.

Before I had my four-month-old son Patrick, certain social media accounts and stories led me to believe that motherhood is a walk in the park. A year off work where you go to baby yoga classes and drink lattes with girlfriends. 

Other stories made it seem like that beach scene from Saving Private Ryan: literal hell. You will never sleep again, you’ll never have time to even brush your hair, and you will constantly feel you’ve been hit by a bus. 

I can’t say that was entirely inaccurate, but genuinely, I really did not know what to expect. 

These are the 10 things that caught me most by surprise about new motherhood.

1. How much TV I would be watching.

Fueled by first time mum anxiety that my usual go-to’s of Law and Order SVU and Criminal Minds would warp my newborn’s brain and turn him into a serial killer, I sought something more baby friendly for endless late night feeds. 

Somewhere in the programming department of a certain channel is a new parent who had my back. Enter continual real estate content! I expect my son will be demolishing and re-building his Lego in Scandi-neutral tones in no time.

Watch: Parenting 101. Post continues below. 

2. The increased contact with government agencies.

This was hands down the worst part of motherhood. 3am wake ups? Eh, I have coffee. Baby threw up in my mouth? Gross, but not the end of the world. On hold to Centrelink? WHY HAVE I MADE THESE LIFE CHOICES. 

Pre-baby, I was fortunate to have very limited contact with the Federal Government and their various "help" lines. Post baby, and I was suddenly spending literal *days* listening to hold music before an infuriating mechanical voice declared my problem solved, said "goodbye", and hung up on me.

3. How often I need a printer.

Millennials don’t have printers. It is known. We don’t need them and if we do; we use the one at work. It turns out the only millennials who do need printers are millennial parents, at the exact moment they lose access to their work ones. 

For reasons that utterly escape me, my son’s swimming lesson forms had to be printed. On paper. And filled in. By hand. With a pen. Like an Amish person. Thankfully mum is a Boomer and has a printer, but it took me an alarmingly long time to locate a pen in my house.

4. That I would miss work.

I truly did not see this one coming. When I went on maternity leave, I was *so* ready to go. I would have floated out of the front door on a cloud had I not been weighed down by a baby bump the size of a small elephant. 

About six weeks into maternity leave, I was ready to call the office and ask if they had something I could do whilst baby napped. My husband suggested I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and should instead investigate reprogramming options.

5. That onesies are ugly.

There are exactly two things all mums agree on. 

Get one of those car capsules that you can take out and attach to the pram, and onesies are the best. So why are they so ugly?! Is this some kind of giant troll on us all? Because I am yet to meet a parent who thinks that the fish from every 2010 guy’s Tinder pic is a cute pattern for a baby outfit. How do I get a job putting rainbows and cute baby animals on these?

6. You can write whatever you want on the birth certificate.

Specifically, your occupation. I put my actual occupation, but no one asked for any sort of proof and now there is a significant part of me that regrets not writing "Ninja" or "Princess of the United Kingdom".

7. How hilarious my baby would find me.

Turns out the only thing I needed to do to get a captive and appreciative audience for my various comedic performances was to grow one with no frame of reference for what else is funny.

8. How utterly bonkers mum Facebook groups are.

My favourite was someone asking for advice on how to "fight" a diagnosis of pre-eclampsia because she had done her research and knew more about the subject than her obstetrician.

9. How obsessed I would become with the snot sucker.

Maybe I was primed for this already, as a person whose YouTube algorithm serves up exclusively pimple popping videos. Maybe it’s a reaction to no longer having measurable goals at work. But OH MY GOD GETTING A BOOGER OUT OF HIS NOSE IS THE MOST SATISFYING THING EVER. I actually took a picture of my biggest prize and sent it to my husband.

10. How much I would struggle with my post-baby body.

I really hate this one. Intellectually, I know my body did this incredible thing. I know it grew another human and is now nourishing that human. I know it took nine months to change shape and so expecting that I would be back to "normal" in a couple of months is utterly ridiculous and probably impossible. I know I am exercising and eating reasonably well and I know that, and the fact I have a beautiful healthy baby, are the most important things. 

But I am still really struggling not recognising the person in the mirror. I am having a really hard time with zips that won’t do up and dresses that don’t sit the way they used to. I know it’s not politically correct to feel this way; I know it’s probably the fault of the patriarchy and I know eventually it will pass, but that doesn’t make it easier in the moment.

There are many unexpected things about becoming a mum, but hands down the best part of motherhood so far is Patrick's little giggle. It’s magic. 

Elizabeth Olds is a full-time lawyer and part-time Christmas movie reviewer (not really, but if you build it they will come, right?). She's currently also a tiny person's snack bitch.

Feature Image: Supplied. 

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