It started innocently enough.
A Saturday morning lie-in seemed worth the price of a little screen time. Pry open eyeball, hand over iPad, let children scrap over a harmless cartoon search so you can steal an extra hour’s doze.
You start with Peppa Pig, Charlie and Lola. Maybe a little light Thomas The Tank Engine. Move on to Dinotrux, perhaps.
But little fingers soon find the Suggestions bar and one day you stumble out of bed to see two children glued to the sight of a whispering woman slooooowly peeling the wrapper off a pristine Kinder egg.
Her nails are tantalisingly sparkly. Her voice is like dripping caramel. Her improbable enthusiasm for the tiny plastic tatt discovered inside - “Oooh,” she breathes, “It’s a pooooodle. I’ll just click it together like this,” – seems… unusual.
“What the hell’s that?” You ask your child, reasonably. It’s still only 7am, after all.
“Unwrapping shows,” she answers, matter-of-fact.
And the rabbit hole yawns open.
Before you know it, you are aware of a bottomless list of YouTube clips where faceless Americans who must spend their life savings at WalMart are piling up endless boxes of Shopkins, Zelfs and Puppies In Your Pocket.
Suddenly, your kid knows all this mysterious new language: Blind bags, tear strips, Ultra Rare.
Your children fall obediently into their gender lines: Your son likes to watch the small boys who unwrap dinosaur toys and then make them fight each other, in bathtubs, in snowstorms, in their parents’ crowded kitchens.