‘The single sad pillow on the double bed.’ Women share their ultimate sex icks.

I’ll say this now, once and for all. If I have to ask, “did you come?” the sex was not good. 

In fact, it was most likely very, very bad. Because there is nothing that turns me off quicker than a man who doesn’t make a SINGLE SOUND.

Take last month for example, when I was so desperate to get any kind of vocal response out of my mute date that I kept asking, “Does it feel good for you?” in the hope that he would tell me, “Yes, it’s good for me!” 

Watch Chantelle Otten's sex tips for couples. Post continues after video.

Heck, even a moan or two when he reached his peak would have given me a clue. 

Maybe it’s the Gemini in me, but communication in the bedroom is up there with one of the most important components of a relationship for me. Like how can you satisfy each other if you don’t even know if they’re enjoying it?!

And then it’s just like, WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?, because at least my vibrator’s motor makes a noise. 

So it got me thinking. When it comes to matters beneath the sheets, what are the biggest icks? And boy, did the Mamamia office deliver. 

Listen to Chantelle Otten answer all your sex questions. Post continues after podcast. 

When they can’t even adult.

“There’s no greater turn-off than a man who hasn’t got proper sheets on the bed. If any part of me touches any part of your stanky bare mattress, it’s over.”

When they don’t even own multiple pillows.

“THE SINGLE SAD PILLOW ON THE DOUBLE BED. BE BETTER.”

When they go too far with tongue. 

“Using too much tongue when kissing, not respecting tongue rhythm and just shoving it in. I called those boys ‘silver tongue fish boys’, because they darted around like those fish that clean shit off your feet.” 

When they can’t even be bothered to take all of their clothes off.

"Leaving socks on." 

When he wants oral sex in all conditions.

“Wanting a blowy at the end of the day without a shower first. Especially in summer. No thanks."

When they guide you down there. 

“When a guy pushes your head towards his crotch when he wants a blow job.”

When he won’t wear a condom.

One fed-up girlie dished out the excuses she’d been told. 

“I don’t like condoms.”

“I just got out of a long-term relationship and we didn’t wear condoms so I am not used to them.” 

“It just feels better without a condom.” 

It also feels better for me, that girlie replied, BUT STILL WEAR ONE YOU UTTER MORON.

When they skip foreplay.

“Just getting straight to it. No warming up and enjoying the lead-up. Just fumbling about, trying to put things in things. 

When they go too fast.

“Energiser bunny rhythm.”

When they go too far with dirty talk.

“My biggest ick is really unnatural dirty talk. Like they have no idea what is sexy.”

Another horrified girlie agreed. 

“I don’t mind a bit of dirty talk but when it goes too far.. I had an ex once say, in the throes of passion, ‘You like it when I f**k that c**t?’ Ah, no sir, I do not.” 

When they want to do nothing.

“When they think you’re responsible for all the work. I’m out here sweating babe, it’s your turn to shine.”

When they act like a porn star.

“Overly performative sex. We aren’t in a porno babe. We’re real people with real lives and bodies and parts. 

“This happens wayyy less when you’re with women though (all icks happen less with women in my opinion, haha, sorry straight gals!”

When they want to do it first thing. 

“Controversial opinion but…morning sex. It’s overrated. There’s too much light, there’s bad breath, and I can see too much. It’s awkward and I’m like, nah, all good. Lemme brush my teeth and turn my brain on.” 

When they whimper. 

Turns out not all sounds are good sounds. 

“When the moans are less moans and more like a whimpering, mewling kitten. It’s happened once. Never again.”

Image: Getty + Mamamia.