'tWitch just showed us what the modern face of functioning depression looks like.'

Content warning: This post includes discussion of suicide that may be distressing to some readers.

Earlier this year I wrote about a depressive episode I was in. One of many I had experienced over my life. At the time of writing, it was day six and previously they had never stretched more than a couple of weeks. What I had no way of knowing then, is that for the next four months I would cry. Every single day.

It was the most crippling depression I have experienced, and it hit with no rhyme nor reason. I have a beautiful family, home, friends and do not want for much. For the first time in my long journey with mental ill health, passing thoughts of not living suddenly became full days of genuinely believing that I couldn’t continue living, along with the immense guilt that comes with feeling that way.

Fighting that newly ingrained belief was the hardest challenge I have faced. I went at it with every resource available but none of it seemed to help. Then one day, the crying stopped. I still don’t know why, or how, but it did. I will forever fear the return of that belief, but for the last month laughter has slowly moved from feeling impossible, to an effort, before one day becoming more than a sound, and instead a glisten in my eyes and a warmth in my heart.

Watch: We asked an expert to give us the lowdown. How do you tell the difference between feeling sad and being clinically depressed? Story continues after video.

Then, this morning during my mindless scroll of social media, I read a headline regarding the death of Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss by suicide, and I found myself on the bathroom floor weeping for a man I had never met but felt I knew so well.

To me tWitch represented everything that was good in this world. He appeared full of pure joy which he shared with abundance. For years I would record the Ellen show, just to watch him dance. When he smiled, the room lit up around him. Later came videos with his beautiful, and equally talented wife Allison Holker, along with their adorable children. From the outside, it appeared that tWitch was living a well-deserved perfect life, and revelling in it. 

Now I am a mere spectator to his public persona, but from the many comments flooding the internet today, it appears many of his nearest and dearest agreed. There is a collective shock and confusion as to how this could have happened. One that unfortunately we experience too often following a death by suicide because we just can’t fathom that depression might look like that.

Mental ill health may be universal, but it is also deeply unique. For some it presents as a dark, sombre mood, but for many it is kept inside, masked by a smiling face and productive behaviour which hide a deep yearning not to burden anyone with the demons deep inside.

Even in the photo used for this article I am smiling, but I know on that day, I was hurting. 

In my experience, there can be a shame in sharing too much, especially when on paper your life is good. A sense that by highlighting your pain, you are somehow diminishing that of those who endure worse. Instead comes an urge to laugh a bit louder to prove that you know you have it good. Prove it to others, but also yourself.

Circumstance, race, sexuality, gender, geography, wealth, physical health, and ability… none of this determines whether someone will face mental ill health, nor whether they will conquer it. As millions of people continue to search for an answer to why tWitch is no longer here, I don’t claim to have the answer. What I do know, is that it is not just the outwardly vulnerable we need to be looking out for, or whose struggles deserve to be heard. Because functioning depression can present in anyone.

The cheerful friend who never complains.

The mum who does it all, with a smile on her face.

The dad who always makes you laugh with his lame jokes.

The prodigy who is at the top of their game and going places. 

The teacher who gets voted the students favourite every year.

The happy-go-lucky kid who is everyone’s friend.

The shy customer who never causes a fuss.

The stoic mate who insists “she’ll be right” 

The influencer snapping pics on a gorgeous holiday.

The world renowned dancer who makes everyone smile.

The duchess who is surrounded by expensive things.

The comedian whose movies were the funniest of all time.

The musician who just rocked the biggest stadium.   

The unflappable person who is everyone’s rock. 

Anyone.

In a time when suicide is rife not just in the celebrity world but in all communities, and we are constantly reminded to speak up and seek help, professional help feels increasingly inaccessible and unaffordable. So we need to choose our words wisely. In all interactions. Remembering that any one of us could be living with or caring for someone battling a demon we do not know and that it may just be the kindness and patience of strangers that keeps today from being their last.

If you think you may be experiencing depression or another mental health problem, please contact your general practitioner. If you're based in Australia, 24-hour support is available through Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 22 4636.

Feature Image: Supplied/Getty.