The toxic sex dynamics that could be ruining your relationship.

When it comes to sex in relationships, there are invisible patterns that have the potential to kill intimacy and desire. As a couples therapist and clinical psychologist, this is something I have seen time and time again in relationships.

It's important to weed these out and address them head-on, so your sex life can be something that enhances your relationship, rather than drag it down. We call these invisible patterns toxic sex dynamics (TSDs).

Watch: Sexologist Chantelle Otten shares her sex tips for couples. Post continues after video.

TSDs are negative holding patterns in your relationship that interfere with your sexual connection. TSDs become negative feedback loops, making sex more stressful and less frequent. Here are the different types of TSDs and how to break them.

The types of toxic sex dynamics and how to break them.

The pursuer–distancer TSD

When the pursuer–distancer sex dynamic is in play, two partners are at odds. One partner feels they need sexual intimacy to feel emotional closeness and the other needs emotional closeness to want to have sex. Conflict follows this perfect storm of frustration, feeling uncared for and misunderstood, and sex avoidance within the relationship.

For partner one, sex allows them to feel connected in the relationship. They experience growing resentment and disconnection when there is a lack of sex. Partner two needs emotional closeness to unlock arousal and desire. They feel repelled by the idea of sex during emotional disconnect.

Partner one pursues partner two for sex and thereby connection. This leads to inevitable conflict because the meaning of sex for each is in opposition. When it comes to the pursuer–distancer TSD, the aim is to have a strong emotional connection and a regular sex life.

When this is achieved, you have broken the TSD and created a positive feedback loop, satisfying both partners. Just remember – you and your partner might be opposites. Just as you feel you might need sex for emotional closeness, your partner might need emotional closeness for sex. Working together and understanding this can help bring your relationship back into balance.

The parent-child TSD

In this TSD, partner one is over-functioning in the relationship and partner two is under-functioning. Partner one feels like the parent in the relationship and partner two feels they are treated like a child. Both don't find the other attractive.

Having to be the parent in a relationship is boring and frustrating, while the child in the relationship feels pursued and criticised. This TSD also leads to rebellion by the 'child' who feels controlled and a loss of respect from the 'parent' who's tired of carrying the load.

The solution here is balancing out the non-sexual power in the relationship. Partner two, who's under-functioning, needs to increase their responsibilities and reliability, and the change needs to be consistent so partner one can stop over-functioning. Partner one needs to reduce their over-functioning to allow space for the under-functioning partner to step forward and do more. The aim is to bring more equity and a sense of partnership back into the relationship.

The anxiety/stress mind versus the sexy mind TSD

Have you ever felt sexual arousal while doing your taxes? Or sexual desire when swamped with work pressure? We are guessing the answer is no (unless taxes are your thing). Why? Because humans don't naturally feel horny when under stress and pressure. We're not biologically wired to have sex when in a stressed state.

When in a stressed state, your body sees survival as more important than procreating. Couples get into trouble when they associate sex with stress, anxiety or pressure. Good sex is exciting, tactile, passionate and pleasurable. Stress, anxiety and pressure do not equal good sex.

What mind state are you and your partner in when having sex? You can be in your sexy mind or you can be in your anxiety/stress mind. But you can't be in both at the same time. When in anxiety/stress mind, it's normal for sexual arousal to cease. This means worrying about performance during sex will only lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy – the issue you are most worried about will happen. The more you worry about how aroused you are, the less likely you will become aroused.

If your relationship is suffering from this TSD, you must talk about it. To break this TSD, the person in their anxiety/stress mind needs unconditional support. The aim is to extinguish the association of anxiety, pressure and stress with sex.

Listen to Sealed Section where Chantelle answers some juicy questions from women going through their 'sexual relaunch'. Post continues after audio.

The too-busy TSD

In this world of schedules, commitments, chores, work and family, it's easy to avoid making time for sexual connection. Avoidance can be by one or both partners.

If one partner is too busy, too often in this dynamic, the other joins in by giving up on sex. When you make time for sex, you tend to have more sex because you experience positive pay-offs. If you're in a rut, remember the old saying 'use it or lose it'.

The solution is simple and practical. It's about making time for sexy time. Only couples having sex can have hot sex. Scheduled sex doesn't have to be boring and monotonous. You can flirt and talk about sex coming up in your scheduled spot. You can talk about different things you want to experience together. Make it a sacred time. It all comes down to your attitude.

The 'other' TSD

When we talk about the 'other' TSD, we're talking about another person or object getting between the sexual connection of the couple.

In the case of another person, it could be an emotional or physical affair. Or, it could be far less sinister, such as one partner always spending time with friends at the expense of the relationship, or a parent sleeping in one of the children's bedrooms. With regards to objects, it could be one person prioritising drinking over the relationship. Or one person might be using too much porn, impacting their physical sexual connection with their partner.

For this TSD, it's important that the impact of the 'other' on the relationship is understood and appropriate boundaries are agreed upon. These need to prioritise the relationship of the couple above all others.

TSDs are silent sex killers in long-term relationships. But once you become aware of them and address them with your partner as a team, your sex life can be unburdened and thrive once again.

Helen Robertson is a Clinical Psychologist and couples therapist, as well as the co-founder of the couples coaching app My Love Your Love. She is also the co-author of The 8 Love Links, a book designed to help individuals and couples develop deeper insights and strategies for stronger, more fulfilling relationships. For more information visit www.8lovelinks.com.

Feature image: Getty.